Skip to main content

Just how awful was tonight's America's Next Top Model premiere?

So, here we are, for this 19th cycle (aka season) of America's Next Top Model. In case you didn't know, Tyra in her infinite wisdom has fired Jay Manuel, Miss Jay Alexander and the steamy, dreamy Nigel Barker

This season, Tyra, last season's lone survivor Kelly Cutrone and some other people who I haven't found the wherewithal to Google will serve as the judges. But wait! The audience has a say in the voting this time...or something. Apparently a few months ago, one could go onto the Top Model website and vote or upload videos know what, I don't really know. 
Here they are in a goddamn bed. Kelly is looking at her massive pile of money.
In any case, this season is the "College Edition." Which, gauging from the main photo, will involve slutty co-eds wearing tiny tartan skirts and being photoshopped to death. So, same shit, different judges. There is really only one thing I can say about this new season, and I'll let a certain someone who has an amazing show on Logo do the honors.

So, I guess Top Model's ratings haven't been as great lately. I guess I understand the need to switch things up a bit. After the debacle that was the All Stars season.

Whaaaat? I know, right! Allison was ROBBED.
And the British Invasion season made me long for the actual Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model, which is hosted by the not-crazy Elle Macpherson and is really enjoyable to watch.

At least Sophie won that season.
So, let's get started, shall we?

What is this? WHAT IS THIS? Tyra poolside, with some...thing in a blond wig. She's talking about how ANTM needs a change blah blah blah I went to Harvard and thought of the idea for this season blah blah blah.

What am I looking at? And why is it happening?
And thus ANTM College Edition was born.

So there's the requisite "girls show up at the model partay," we meet the girls, who all shout out their colleges like a slutty mating call.
Tyra shows up, looking skinnier than ever with some busted up hair.

She introduces the judges, Kelly Cutrone, Rob Evans (the male supermodel, kinda dull, nice accent though), Johnny Wujek (the replacement for Mr. Jay), and dot dot dot YOU as she points at the camera, effectively breaking the fourth wall and my MIND.
You all saw that...right?
So, the girls have a "walk off," and I'm just waiting for someone to take off their tops. It already makes me nostalgic for Miss Jay and his catty comments.
And facial expressions. Can't forget those.
This season Top Model is all about the social media!Tweeting and twittering and facebooking oh my. This show is so ultra-modern! The people at the walk off are on their smart phones and ipad knock-offs, pretending to text OMG GURL ROFL THIS SHIT IS LAME

First impressions of the girls: they are all skinny, some of them can walk, some can't. The judges cackle on the sidelines, and before you can say "mad grab for attention," the girls are off to their first photo shoot!

At one point Wujek actually says to one of the girls "show me some side prof." Next thing you know he'll be saying "booty too" and "sm."

We move to the interview portion, where Tyra molests a girl (no shock there), the girls talk about their sad lives and Tyra laps it up like it's mother's milk.
Always hungry for model tears.
Oh, and I should add that they are taking a page from Britain's Next Top Model. The new set, new judges, and the college setting are all a bit too familiar.

Oh, and the one girl has a false tooth and can stick her hand in her mouth. Pretty sure she didn't get picked. Another girl has what I can best describe as a meow-versation with Tyra.
The look on her face is how I felt watching all of this.
One of the contestants that stood out was Victoria, a homeschooled girl who goes to online college. She sounds dreadful, I know. But trust me. I think she's one to watch.

More sob stories, more catty bitches. I go to Harvard, but I'm pretty! I'm an aspiring bad girl! I can pose! I have daddy issues!

Every once in a while Tyra will say to one of the girls "You have so many likes on facebook!" Because, again, they're trying to be all hip and modern with the kids. Wow! This show is relevant in so many ways!

And then she whittles down the contestants to the final 13. This is pretty by the numbers. I always love and hate Top Model premiers. One the one hand, we get introduced to all the girls we'll love/loathe during the season. On the other, I just want to see some ridiculous challenges and photo shoots. Oh, and makeovers!

So to answer my question: How awful was it? Not as awful as I had imagined, yet somehow worse than I had expected. It's still the same show, but this online crap is just...lame. I don't know if I'll have the energy to recap this show week after week, but I'll probably keep watching. And hate-loving every minute of it.
And I will reminisce of seasons past.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Chang-E" - Emmy the Great (new album out 10/9)

Emmy the Great drops her new album tomorrow on Bella Union - the fastest album she says she's ever created.  "April /月音" was completed after a trip to to her birth city Hong Kong in 2017. In early 2018, Emmy the Great made "April /月音" in a two-week period in Brooklyn - which was delayed for release until now because of her maternity leave. After recording this album, Emmy moved (for good) back to Hong Kong.  Since her original trip to Hong Kong, things have become quite tumultuous there. Said Emmy. "I’ll never know why the city called me back, but I know what it gave me. In return, I want to give it this album. That Mid-Autumn, nobody could have predicted what was to come, neither the atomization that began with the anti-Extradition Law protests in June 2019, nor the struggle for democracy that continues now, through the Covid-19 pandemic. To witness your birth city in its greatest moment of need is a powerful, humbling event, and I know I watched Hong Kong

"Round the Bend" - Zoon (Beck cover)

My favorite album of Beck's has long been "Sea Change," for approximately the 20 or so years it's been out. I would probably regard it as one of my personal favorite records, for its wistfulness and its beauty. When I heard about Zoon (aka Zoongide’ewin) - the musical project of Daniel Monkman - covering the "Sea Change" track "Round the Bend," I was somewhat skeptical simply because the album holds such a place in my heart. Now, prior to hearing about this cover, I wasn't so familiar with the work of Zoon. And now, I've got to say, in my best Owen Wilson - Wow.  Apparently we both hold the 2003 Beck album in high esteem. Said Daniel about "Sea Change," "After my first listen I was so moved and at the time I was going through a pretty bad break up and this album helped me process my depression. Throughout my time away from music I’d always have a copy beside me; it kept inspiring me that I could try any kind of music style. I

3 New Lana Songs Come Out From Upcoming Album "Blue Banisters"

Not even that far off from "Chemtrails Over The Country Club" being released this past March, Lana Del Rey dropped three new singles off her upcoming project, "Blue Banisters." They include the title track, "Text Book," and "Wildflower Wildfire." All three songs seem to merge the worlds of "COCC" with "Norman Fucking Rockwell," specifically Lana's mouthful of a track "Hope is a Dangerous Thing for a Woman Like Me To Have But I Have It." They also seem uncharacteristically more confessional than most of Lana's catalog to date, specifically "Wildflower Wildfire," which alludes to a conflict with her mother. She even starts the track with "Here's the deal," readying to show more of her backstory than she ever has in her decade-plus-long career. The three songs are gorgeous - especially "Text Book," which has a haunting quality to it (she mentions "Black Lives Matter" i