This True Blood recap ain't gmail for dead bitches!

Episode 9: Everybody Wants to Rule the World

This is my favorite episode of the season so far. It’s a shame they took so long to hit their creative stride, though. This one was all about the women of True Blood in a way: awesome women, batshit crazy women, scheming women. I’ve always been a fan of women kicking ass and taking names, and this show rarely disappoints. And I have a feeling our favorite characters are going to go to some dark places in the near future. (also potentially NSFW Sam ass)

This recap’s chapter breaks are brought to you by Tears for Fears. Well, not officially. Don’t sue me, Curt and Roland!

The Marauders

Jason questions Jessica about her captors and Hoyt. She can’t feel him the way vampires normally do (it’s like a vampire spider-sense). So, he’s either unconscious or dead. Jessica wants to help, but the sun is coming up. It’s up to the sheriff’s department now. Fuck.

Deputy Kevin investigates the website whatshisface frequented, which is just a page of vampire snuff films. Andy notices one of the Obamas mention the “Dragon” in a video, and puts together they’re modeling themselves after the KKK. Jason thinks they meant actual dragons. Adorable!

You just know Andy does image searches for his ass all the time now.

Andy and Jason talk to the Obama hillbilly in the holding cell, and just straight up beat the living shit out of him.

After talking to the idiot press (“No, Obama is not actually in Reynard parish...”), Sam and Luna stop by to offer their assistance. They re-investigated the shack where they found Jessica, and caught a whiff of pig shit. Andy appreciates the tip, but says thanks, but no thanks to them assisting, essentially (that man loves his swears).

Sam and Luna decide to be flies on the wall, literally, and eavesdrop on Andy and company.

Andy and Jason have a good pity party after their investigation seems to have dried up. Andy thinks he’s a bad cop (he’s not, really) and Jason regrets thinking with his dick (so no surprise there). But wait! Andy watches the one snuff video again, and he notices the one Obama is wearing a pair of boots that look all too familiar...

So, what has Sookie been up to this episode? Funny you should ask! After her creepy vision of Werlo (seriously, sp?), she seeks out Lafayette’s help to see if the spirit was still there. 

Seriously, enough with the Miss Cleo hat, Laff!

It wasn’t, but Lafayette did talk to Grandma Stackhouse, who gave Sookie an idea of where to look for answers: her old photo albums. Sookie comes across an old newspaper clipping of her parents’ deaths, and she comes across a familiar name: Sheriff Bud Dearborn.

She goes to visit the retired sheriff to inquire about that fateful night. He does confess it could very well have been vampires what did the deed. Sookie tries to prod further, but before she can get any answers, Bud’s fat mistress knocks Sookie over the head with a frying pan.

Sookie wakes up to find herself at a farm in an empty pig sty (is that what they’re called? Regardless), with a drugged and unconscious Hoyt nearby. She tries to use her faerie lightning to free herself. No dice.

Bud comes to see Sookie. He’s fed up with the “supes” taking over the world. And he and his fat lady friend want to put a stop to it. Remember when Luna was Sam (who could forget!) and she smelled a nasty fat lady with a poor diet? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Sweetie. She’s equal parts crazy and evil. And she’s the Dragon. Oh, and her husband left her for a shifter. Or something like that. Huh. There’s also some—we’ll go with subtle—commentary about making America pure again Blah blah blah they drug Sookie.

That night, Andy, Jason and the gang do a sweep of Bud’s house, but come up empty. Jason notices a picture of Mrs. Dearborn on the shelf, and remembers she owned a pig farm outside of town...

And here’s where our stories meet! I love when this kind of shit happens on True Blood. So, they throw Sookie in with Hoyt and open the gate so the pigs can gnaw their faces off. Not so fast, you hillbilly bigot assholes! Sam posed as one of the pigs and rescues Sookie. He then proceeds to fight sickle-weilding Obamas, and kicks their asses. Did I forget to mention Sam is completely nude the whole time?!

I couldn't find a pic of it anywhere. But here's something for your--okay, my--spankbank.

The sheriff’s department crashes the party, and Andy is forced to shoot Bud as he lunges for Sam with a shovel. Poor Bud, I think he was just confused. Oh well.

In the scuffle, Sweetie bolted when she saw Sam. And were you wondering where Luna was in all of this? She chases Sweetie down in her dog (wolf?) form, and punches Sweetie in her doughy face. Several times. And it was awesome. Oh, Luna’s totally naked, too, so there’s something for everyone! Call me crazy (but never maybe), but I really enjoy Luna.

Oh, and Hoyt is like almost dead. Jason cries about it; it was very emotional.

No, wait, it was like how you eat plain yogurt thinking it was vanilla. That feeling.

Sookie goes home, and Sam and Luna go to get dressed and pick up Emma (hoo boy).

The faerie gang shows up at Sookie’s home—invest in some doors, Sookie—and they inform her all the Tru Blood plants being destroyed is really a vampire plot to take over the world. As if Sookie couldn’t have figured that out on her own. Thanks, British faeries!

Always in the Past or Famous Last Words

After the kooky séance, Terry goes off to find Patrick. Arlene pleads with him not to go; she doesn’t want him to die fighting Patrick. He tells Arlene she’s “the only reason I’m fighting at all.” Okay, everyone altogether now: Dawwwwww

But it’s not Terry that finds Patrick, it’s Arlene. As she goes to open Merlotte’s (As if she’d be able to open the bar by herself. I worked retail. I know what’s up.), Patrick pulls a gun on her and holds her hostage in the bar.

Waaah, I have a family, too! Yeah, but we care less about you than we do Terry and Arlene.

Terry comes in later (unarmed, mind you) and pleads with him to let Arlene go. Patrick makes Terry get on his knees, and is about to shoot him, when Arlene pulls a pencil out of her hair and stabs Patrick in the neck.

Terry and Patrick wrestle around on the floor. Arlene finds Patrick’s gun and pulls it on him. How’s it feel? Huh, asshole? Did anyone else notice that Arlene totally saved Terry’s ass twice in as many minutes? You go, girl!

So Patrick is on his knees now, with Terry pointing the gun at his face. Arlene is all for shooting him, but Terry hesitates. Then the vengeful spirit appears and Terry knows what he has to do. He executes Patrick. The smoke monster appears and whisks Patrick’s corpse away. So that’s convenient, anyway.

Don’t Drink the Water or Dog’s a Best Friend’s Dog

Over in werewolf land, Alcide is driving home. He has a flashback to when he and Debbie were teenagers (or maybe younger, adolescents, anyway). They’re in the woods with some other kids, and Alcide’s dad talks to them about joining the pack, as they’re now of age. Oh, and guess who Alcide’s dad is? Robert fucking Patrick, that’s who!

FuckyeahRobertPatrick

Instead of going home, Alcide decides to visit dear old dad. The wise, spiritual man from the flashback is gone; Alcide’s dad is now a drunk with a gambling addiction. Alcide tells him he’s been abjured, and all Robert Patrick does is smirk.

Over at the pack meeting, Russell and his new boy Steve pay pay them a visit. Russell open a vein so they can have the precious, precious V. Martha, holding a still-were puppy Emma, refuses to drink. Russell teaches her a lesson, and takes Emma from her and give the pup to Steve. JD tries to stop them (well, not really, since he’s a total pussy) but Russell chokes the shit out of him. The blood’s not free, you moron!

It costs exactly one werewolf pup, as luck would have it.

Swords and Knives

Pam and Tara have tragic few scenes this week, but they are kind of important. Tara wants to pull the Tru Blood from the shelves, but Pam refuses. She’s worried about the bar turning into a bloodbath. Keep selling till it’s gone. “Keep our heads down, tits up, and the Tru Blood flowing.”

Later, as their Tru Blood starts to run low, Pam notices a scraggly-looking vampire sitting in Eric’s throne, feeding on a human. Pam tells him to get the fuck out; there will be no feeding off of mortals in public. He informs her that the feeding ban has been lifted by the Authority, and that he’s the new sheriff in town. Literally. He tosses Pam across the bar. Is it just me, or is that happening to her a lot this season?

Even when thrown across Fangtasia, Pam still looks fucking classy.

Pam and Tara exchange knowing glances, and for the first time in a while, I really want to know what happens next.

Start of the Breakdown or Me and My Big Ideas

With one Tru Blood factory destroyed, the council celebrates in the only way it seems to know how: by devouring a human. Oh, hello naked man!

Later, we open our day(night) at the Authority with Molly, who is very concerned the premises is under lockdown. Eric finds her and hatches a scheme. The only way to get out is with level 1 clearance, aka Salome or Nora’s blood.

Eric confronts Bill, and tells him about his jailbreak plan (stupid mistake, if ya ask me). Eric is convinced Bill is putting on a show, acting like he’s a follower of Lilith. Bill wavers, but ultimately agrees to help Eric get Salome’s blood.

Eric: Are you with me? Bill:....oh, yes...totally!

And here’s a classic example of why Eric is so awesome. He finds Nora swooning over the vial of Lilith’s blood (because where else would she be?). Eric masterfully manipulates her. I mean, she’s gone pretty nutso, so it wasn’t that hard. But still.

Ugh, what the hell, Salome? She swishing around her chambers naked. Bill’s in her bed, with a look of “let’s get this over with” on his face. Salome talks about being famous and Bill’s all “yeah, yeah, let me stick it in you.” They have crazy sex, which is par for the course on this show. Bill imagines Salome as Sookie, and then as Lilith. It makes me wonder if it has been Salome’s blood they’ve been drinking this whole time.

Eric meets up with Molly in the Authority lobby, and he doses Nora with silver. When Bill doesn’t show up immediately, he uses Nora’s blood to unlock the elevator. But Bill shows up just in time to smirk at Eric as he and Molly are taken prisoner. “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” as covered by Care Bears on Fire plays as credits roll.

Dude! WTF

SRSLY Bill. Real dick move.

Favorite Moment: Really, this episode had so many. I didn’t get a chance to mention a short scene of Sam and Luna arguing at the beginning of the episode. It was such an adorable fight. Also, Sam naked.

OMG Moment: Did I mention Sam fighting naked? Also, hooray for my second favorite liquid-metal Terminator, Robert Patrick. Sorry Robert, but, Shirley Manson.

 

I mean, come on!

No comparison.

NONE AT ALL

Least Favorite: Not much Pam, Tara and Jessica love this episode. But that’s honestly nit-picky of me.

Let’s hope this awesome streak continues for the rest of the season! Now I should go before this turns into a Shirley Manson appreciation post (because it almost actually did).