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2 Broke Girls recap: And the Hidden Stash

After my two-part recap of the first season finale of 2 Broke Girls got so many views (thank you all!), I've decided to write weekly recaps of the second season, which premiered last Monday. I had so much fun writing that recap, although it did took me some time, considering it was a 40-minute episode. I'm not giving guarantees though, as I have some commitment issues. I can also be quite the perfectionist sometimes, so I'm the kind of person who either goes all the way or not at all. But we'll see how it all turns out—favorably, I hope. Also, I'll try my best to be faster with the next recaps.

For those of you who are not familar, every episode begins at the Brooklyn diner where Max and Caroline work, often with Max mercilessly mocking some poor customer. This time, the customer is a mother breastfeeding her son, who happens to be a little too old for such activity. Understandably, the situation caught the attention of the employees.

"Some mothers tend to breastfeed for a lot longer these days, it's called attachment parenting," Caroline justifies, to which Max replies, "When the kid is that big, it's called dating." I really missed Max's unique one-liners. Han, the notoriously short Korean owner of the diner, remarks that the kid is his height, before finding himself facing Max's boobs. "Don't get any ideas," she warns Han as he looks up at her.

Since Caroline is too disgusted to get the woman's order, Max volunteers to do it. "I can't afford HBO, and it's the closest I can get to seeing Game of Thrones," she adds. After taking the woman's order, Max taunts, "Anything for him? Coffee for the milk? Burger? Fries?" The kid then unexpectedly comes out of her mother's shirt to tell Max he'll have fries. Oh, boy.

Caroline gets a call from her father from prison. In case you didn't know, Caroline's father, Martin Channing, was arrested for operating a Ponzi scheme and defrauding most of New York, which is why Caroline is now one of the titular broke girls. He is calling her about the family's estate auction (their Manhattan property was seized after the scandal). She assures her father that she's not at all emotional about it, as she sets fire to a newspaper whose front cover is a news story on the estate auction. Caroline then tells Max her father wants to know if she'll go to prison with Caroline and finally meet him, which she accepts. However, right after Caroline hangs up, Max promptly says she's not going. Caroline insists, saying it's really important to her that she meets her father, but Max is firm on her decision: "You never met my father, and you don't see me dragging you to every rail road boxcar in the country trying to find him."

Sophie (the Polish woman who owns a cleaning service) walks into the diner wearing a bright yellow dress. Earl (the black cashier) makes a comment on her ass, as per usual. Oleg (the pervy Ukranian cook) tells Sophie he wants to take her out on a date, offering to take her anywhere she wants. Sophie says she wants to go to the Channing family auction. Max warns Sophie to give her the catalog from the estate auction before Caroline sees it, or else she might light Sophie on fire, but Sophie is not willing to let go of it: "When I was born, the doctors tried to pry my dead twin sister from my hands, but I never let go. She was my first doll." That's just how things roll in Eastern Europe. When Caroline shows up, Max hides the catalog behind her back, which proves useless as an unknowing Han gives her away and causes her to drop it. When Sophie asks for the catalog back, Caroline accuses her of being insensitive and slams her tacky outfit, to which Sophie's responds, "I'm insensitive? I'm the thief who stole all those people's money? And you don't think this color is happening?! Pick up a copy of Polish Vogue!" There's no such thing as Polish Vogue, though.

The following day, the girls go to the prison, which Max compares to a country club. "Max, I know your idea of a country club's an abandoned car in the woods, but look around. There's security cameras and bars on the windows," Caroline says. Caroline's father, the infamous Martin Channing, finally appears, for the very first time. And he is portrayed by Steven Weber, best known for his role in the '90s sitcom Wings. When he meets Max, he implies that she's there to "break him out," which makes her blush. Do I sense some chemistry?

He's definitely DILF material, if you ask me. Martin explains that he wants Max to take Caroline to the estate auction, because there's something there that he wants Caroline to have. "The painting of me as a baby? The sculpture of me as a 5-year-old? The tapestry of me at 14?" Caroline wonders. Actually, he wants them to get the loving cup that Caroline won jumping with her horse Chestnut, but Caroline says they need every penny they have for the cupcake business, although Max makes it clear that she'd do anything for him. Anything.

Before being taken back to his cell, Martin tells the girls that getting the cup is important for their futures, and Caroline assures him they'll get the cup. However, the minute he leaves, she says she's not getting the cup. Max is somehow convinced that there's money in the cup, as he said they needed it for their future. Max recalls that she used to hide her stash in her mother's bowling trophy. "The man's a criminal genius, and he found a way to put money for your future in the cup, and clearly, that's why he dragged me out to prison, because he knows you'll do what I say 'cause I'm the boss of you, and pretty soon I'm gonna be your stepmom." She kills me every time.

Doesn't she look particularly flawless in this scene?

Arriving at the auction, Max is given a catalog, and she says she'll need two, one for her, and one for her friend Zooey Deschanel—that's when Caroline walks in wearing a brunette wig. "What? You look like her," Max states, to which Caroline replies, "Everybody does. It's the least expensive look you can do and still get laid." God, this scene really cracked me up.

Who's that girl? It's Jess!

When Caroline shows Max a silver spoon from her family's collection, a security guard shows up and tells her to put it down immediately. Max quickly comes to Caroline's defense: "You really think my friend Jennifer Love Hewitt, international movie and Lifetime channel superstar, is gonna steal a used spoon?" "Lifetime channel superstar," I'm dying! The security guard apologizes saying he didn't recognize her, then walks away. "I thought I was Zooey Deschanel," Caroline quips to Max, who replies, "Eh, six of one. All you Hollywood brunettes look alike." They kinda do, yeah.

Lifetime channel superstar J. Love

The girls run into Oleg and Sophie, who are on a date. Caroline apologizes to Sophie for her comment the other day, before commending her for doing so much with so little fabric. "And I see you took my advice and got Polish Vogue," Sophie says of Caroline's blue floral dress. Well, it does look like it could've come out of Polish Vogue, if that existed. Sophie then says that Oleg's going to buy her something golden: "I want to be covered in gold. I want a golden shower!" Girl, I don't think it means what you think it means.

At the auction room, the girls meet a rather peculiar elderly man called Hamish McDonough, along with his tiny Chihuahua named Miss Pickle. "I'm Max, and this is my friend Katie Holmes." (I'm crying right now. Man, I must do this someday in real life—anyone willing to join me?) "We won't speak of it... But I just have to say: Well done!" Hamish says to "Katie Holmes."

The loving cup is finally up for bid. Despite saying it has no real value, Hamish bids anyway, because he wants to use it as a bathtub for Miss Pickle. Caroline, however, is not willing to ler her cup become a "puppy bath," so she starts bidding, but Hamish bids higher. "Back out now, ladies, I'm a paddle bitch," he says. "Well, I'm a bitch bitch," Max warns. You go, girl! When shit gets real, Max tells Caroline that Hamish came to play. "So did we, I broke my hymen getting that thing." Thanks for letting us now, Caroline. "Is that why it's called a loving cup?" Max wittily asks. That's pretty much what I've been asking myself: what in the fresh hell is a loving cup?

Sometimes, desperate times call for desperate measures. "I know you have no interest in what I would normally offer you to get what I want," Max tells Hamish. "Don't be so sure, I was bisexual till I was 62," he replies. This keeps getting better and better. Max says that Katie Holmes really wants the cup, and she's been through a lot, which is enough for Hamish to let them have the cup, prompting Max to yell, "Yes, I'm rich!!!" Now that they have the cup in their hands, they start looking for the stash that is presumably inside the wood base, but it turns out to be empty. "Son of a bitch!" Caroline exclaims.

Back at the prison, the girls question Martin about the money they thought was stashed in the loving cup. "Which, for anyone who might be watching my lips, we were going to give all to charity," Max declares. She just kills me. Now pay attention to this very moving dialogue:

Martin: Sweetheart, why do you think I would hide money, besides the fact I'm here for hiding money?
Max: Well, that might have been my fault.
Caroline: No, it's not her fault, Daddy. It's yours. You were supposed to take care of me, and you didn't. You didn't think about me at all, and it's not just me. You hurt a lot of people. Do you ever even think about them?
Martin: Yes, I do. Now, every day, but I also think about what I did to you every day, all day. I mean, back then, when I figured out a way to get free money, all I could think about was the money.
Max: I hear that.
Martin: But I really did wanna give you something for your future, sweetheart, which is why I asked Max to make sure that you got that cup. And I know it's only tin, but it's the most valuable thing I could give you, because it'll remind you that no matter how hard the circumstances, you could get over any hurdle, even the ones I put in front of you.
Caroline: [pause] Okay, well, we should go. Our time's up.
Martin: Yeah, but— What? You just got here.
Caroline: Well, I think I'm done for today.
Martin: Boy, I've dreaded the day you looked at me like this. Now that it's here, it's even worse. I only hope that one day you could look at me again the way you did the day you won that cup.

Aw. :(

Now it's back to hilarious, thanks no less to Max:

Martin: [to Caroline, obviously] I love you, honey.
Max: I love you too, Daddy. Oh. [chuckles] Sorry. You meant her.

"Despite what everyone else may think, he's not just a thief. He's my father, and I love him," Caroline says. "Look, if it's any consolation, I now see how that could've happened to him. I'm not condoning it, but I see how people can get caught up, 'cause I am pissed as hell that next week I won't be riding a horse who's riding a jet ski." Yup, that's how Max planned on spending the money before using it on the cupcake business.

Current total: $727.00 (each episode ends with the amount of money the girls have saved for the cupcake business, whether it increases or decreases)

To wrap things up, let's all take a moment to fap to respectfully admire this insanely gorgeous photo of Kat Dennings during last Sunday's Primetime Emmy Awards.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lip augmentation appointment to go to (yes, on a Saturday night). Sayonara, putas.


  1. dude!!!! you may have convinced me to watch this, at long last!

    hahaha Katie Holmes


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