Useless (Critic) Pleading: Go See Cloud Atlas

Reasons (in no particular order) to see Cloud Atlas:

This movie will make you think: It's all about our lives, and the people we meet, and how that affects our past, present and future selves. In a tiny, tiny nutshell. Also, you haven't lived till you've watched a truly intelligent piece of filmmaking in central PA. People walked the fuck out. Like, late into the movie. I mean, if you've invested your time (not to mention the overpriced snacks) for two hours already, you may as well stay for the last hour. Unless they're late for their...I don't know, mud bog dirt racing? Is that a thing? This is a challenging film, but it is also worth it.

You will laugh: Jim Broadbent gives a fantastic performance. His one character, Timothy Cavendish, runs afoul of some criminal types (literally a long story) and winds up in senior-living home. His story brings a welcome dose of brevity amongst all the dramatic storylines about doomed lovers and corporate plots.

Also, who doesn't love some crazy senior antics?

You will fucking cry: Trust me, there is a point towards the end of the film when you will cry. I can't pinpoint it, but when it happens, you'll know.

For me, it was right about here. I still can't even. I can't.

You will find yourself strangely attracted to Tom Hanks (or maybe that's just me): He plays close to 1,000 people in this film. Most notable is Zachry, a tough-yet-sensitive farmer in a post-apocalyptic world. He's brooding, and I couldn't tell what the fuck he was saying some times, but in those instances, I just drank in his rugged swagger. Yummy.

Hello daddy. *appropriate animal noise conveying lustful thoughts goes here*

This movie will restore your faith in the Wachowski Siblings (and reaffirm it in Tom Tykwer): How much were you disappointed in the Matrix sequels? Yeah, I know, me too. I saw Cloud Atlas as redemptive filmmaking for the siblings. Especially after the debacle that was Speed Racer. Tom Tykwer, however, has the distinction of making one of my favorite films of all-time: Run Lola Run. I can't fault the man for not being able to top RLR, because if he did, my brain would melt from the awesome. Where was I? Oh, yes. If you've written off the Wachowskis, I'd recommend seeing Cloud Atlas regardless.

The strange makeup and future-language: I know it probably seems daunting at first. But after the first hour or so, they will both become part of the narrative. Don't worry. Also, there are some actors that you will not recognize underneath all the prosthetics . It's amazing.

That's Halle Berry on the left. Speaking of which...

Halle Berry: We all know she's been in some decent stuff (Monster's Ball--hello, Oscar!), and some real pieces of absolute shit (...Catwoman). You'll be happy to know her performance is more the former than the latter. So, America, feel free to like Halle Berry again!

It is not Here Comes the Boom: I mean, seriously? Who the fuck is watching this movie? One day, I'll be in one of those pitch meetings--high on bath salts, mind you--and just start naming awful things. Sarah Jessica Parker! Vaginal Mesh Prolapse Commercials! Genital Mutilation! Michael Bay! And it's all animated! There you have it, my official pitch for Candyland.

Cloud Atlas. Go see it. Or Argo. I hear that's pretty fucking great, too. No, wait, definitely Cloud Atlas.