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Guest Writer: Some Belated Holiday Observations

This guest post comes from Tom Giles, a former classmate of mine.

A Holiday Observation


where I buy breakfast at. 
I am fifty one years old and I work at a convenience store.  When someone(invariably)  asks me to list what I’m thankful for during the holiday season my first thought is I am thankful that I am afraid of prison life, because if I were not my backyard would be filled with shallow graves containing people who ask questions like that.  I used to be thankful for a feast and time with my family, until I figured out that I do not like turkey that much, or my accidents-of-birth siblings at all.

Christmas always sucked, too.  As a child it never lived up to the expectations, I was a true believer, so good I was led by television Christmas specials to believe that I deserved a veritable cornucopia of gifts.  The deluge of toys never materialized. When my own children were very small, there was a short time that they were content with the toys they were brought and time spent with their family.  Television soon taught my children the true meaning of Christmas.  They were reprogramed with bullshit images of media created Christmas icons like Santa Claus, Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman and of course Jesus.  Jesus Christ, the man, walked the earth about two thousand years ago.   Although he could (allegedly) perform miracles... he didn’t own an Xbox, IPhone or even a Furby.

To celebrate the birth of this anti-materialistic hippie freak Lord , we partake in a bacchanalian orgy of irresponsible spending.  Is your daughter becoming socially awkward because you feel it is not necessary for a child of nine to have a cell phone? 

Tough shit!   

If you love her you will buy her one. A good one will be required to make-up for making her suffer through being a social leper, you cheapskate.  Your children will need a gaming platform so they can turn all the sports of youth into nonphysical contests that even your chubby, big-breasted, rather androgynous son can excel at.  Many more toys, clothes, and expensive trinkets will be required.  Credit card debt at Christmas time is as traditional as putting that “bachelor” uncle who “doesn’t mind” playing with the kids at the children’s table.

The Roman Emperor Constantine moved Christ’s birthday from early summer to the winter to try to get the Pagans to join in.  This is the last time in history that the Pagans are seen as relevant and it is one more time than the Libertarian Party will ever be seen as relevant.  I guess I am thankful is not Christmas yet; that holiday really chaps my buttocks. 

I am thankful that we are one day closer to spring, or God willing, The Mayan Apocalypse.  Mostly I am thankful that for one day people might have listened to me opine.  Please don’t begrudge me my anti-social stance on the holidays, in a couple of days I will be back at work asking some double digit I.Q. customer “what kind of cheese do you want on that”  as they ignore me while they yap on their cell phone and bop along with Harry Connick Jr. crooning some horrible Christmas tune.  And yet my backyard holds no graves, save that of our long gone kitty cat.         
    

Comments

  1. HaHa! I have always and will always love your work, Tom!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Belated read but this was hilarious.

    I was a social leper but I read books for entertainment so if I ever breed I won't hesitate to deny a cellphone or coloured hair chalk or aeropostale tshirts to my kids. If they want a gaming system they can play my super nintendo games :P

    ReplyDelete

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