Pardon me for my tardiness, my shitty computer has been really driving me insane lately. I hate life, basically. So, did anyone else watch the Grammy Awards last Sunday? I know, talk about a yawn-fest, right? Let's face it—the Grammys haven't been interesting since 2010. Where is Gaga when we need her? Luckily, Kat Dennings graced an otherwise tedious event with her stunning presence:
And why exactly did bring up the Grammys? Well, stick around to find out, silly!
"Girls, I have made a big decision," Han announces. Uh oh, these "big" decisions and announcements of Han's are always a cue for Max's mockery. "You're having a sex change? I totally support you, but be careful, Han—female-to-male is very tricky," Max says. See? "Well, you would know," Han snarks back. "He must have already started on the hormones," Caroline chimes in. Han's big decision is to swap the old glass ketchup bottles for new, revolutionary squeeze bottles. "It's like being an intern at Apple during the summer of '76," Caroline says of Han's "outside-the-box thinking." "That's right. Call me Han Jobs," he says, completely unaware of how dirty it sounded. "Oh, I will only call you Han Jobs," Max replies.
The girls get stuck doing ketchup bottles on a Friday night. When Caroline notices the bottles have a really toxic plastic smell, Max takes a bottle and huffs it. "I'm hoping it kills the brain cells that'll remember I'm stuck doing ketchups on a Friday night." Caroline thinks they should blow it off and go out. Max recalls The Raveonettes are playing, and they have "a little tip money and lot of deez" ("deez" being her rack). Caroline says the last time she saw them was in Denmark. "That is crazy because I first heard of them when I was dry-humping a guy named Mark in his den, so... Twinsies!" Max says.
Unfortunately, Max and Caroline find themselves in the back alley without tickets. "The last time I was in an alley behind a club, I was in an SUV with one of the Olsen twins. I still don't know which one," Caroline reveals. Some hipster dude in a cow costume offers the girls tickets for free, in exchange of Caroline milking him. "How bad do you want those tickets, Caroline?" Max mockingly asks. "Ha, not that bad," Caroline replies.
Caroline laments that New York without money is like no magic. "There's magic all over the city with or without money. You just have to make your own. By drinking," Max says as she pulls two beer cans out of her purse. Still, Caroline complains about them standing there like a couple of Beckys, and tells Max to work her magic. Max kicks the club's door a few times, but nothing happens, so she vents her frustration by kicking a trash can. Finally, a British guy opens the door. His name is Graham (guest star Adam Campbell) and he's with the band. He flirts with Max, and invites the girls backstage to hang with the band.
The next day at the diner, Caroline is worried that she hasn't heard from Max since she left with Graham. Sophie comes in wearing some sort of glittery, '80s-esque gym outfit. She was in the park running after the high school boys' track team, and she snagged a date with one of these boys to prom. Stifler's mom, anyone? Max finally shows up, and Caroline wonders why she looks extra pretty. "Probably the new shades I didn't pay for. Or the hours of him going Downton on my Abbey," Max replies. Earl doesn't want to hear spoilers, as he expresses his unlikely fondness for the show ("I enjoy any show where the help is white").
Caroline is suprised Max spent the night, which is unusual for her. Max says she will see him again on Sunday, and invites Caroline to tag along, informing her that Graham is flying them out to the Grammys in Los Angeles on his private plane! "My self-esteem could really use being mistaken for Taylor Swift right now! Which tells you how low my self-esteem is," Caroline says. As soon as Han hears this, he gets excited about the possibility of them meeting 2 Chainz. He and Caroline argue over who's the bigger fan of him, with Caroline even "rapping" the chorus to "Birthday Song." "That actually makes you look whiter," Max mocks. Han agrees to give the girls the weekend off if they get 2 Chainz to sign his T-shirt. Max reveals she's never been on a plane before. "Max, even snakes have been on a plane," Caroline says.
Caroline is happy to be back on a private plane, and she thanks Max for having sex with Graham. The French steward, Agnes, welcomes the girls and takes their luggage. Caroline and Agnes chat in French, leaving Max confused. "Oh, thank you. I'm not Angelina Jolie, I get that a lot," Max says at one point. Caroline realizes that private jet used to belong to her—she even finds an old Chanel lip gloss she hid in the cushions for a possible emergency. "Just in case something went wrong, I wanted to look good if I was going down," Caroline says. "You know they don't care what you look like as long as you go down," Max says. No lies told. Agnes serves the girls champagne and tells them they're waiting for one more passenger before departing, who is soon revealed to be 2 Chainz. He is tired and asks the steward for some Sleepytime Tea. "That is so gangster!" Max exclaims to Caroline. The plane takes off.
Caroline wants to take a picture with 2 Chainz, but he's still sleeping. In a sassy move, Max tries to wake him up by kicking his seat, without success. They decide to take the picture anyway, and Max thinks she should go first, as she "had morning sex for it with a leg cramp." For her pose, Max pulls out a badass duckface (hey, she's allowed) while squeezing her boobs to 2 Chainz's face. Since Max did boobs, Caroline decides to put her booty in his face, "'cause all he wants for his birthday is a big booty ho." 2 Chainz ends up waking up to Caroline's booty in his face. "I never get tired of waking up like this," he says. Caroline apologizes, and says she's a huge fan and relates to "Birthday Song." They all start rapping and having a blast.
The pilot barges in and says he wants to join the party, after hearing "booty" and "ho." "Always some weird white guy coming to crash a party," 2 Chainz tells Caroline. Turns out Caroline knows the pilot, Bill, who used to fly her and her friends around back in college. Bill invites Max to check out the cockpit. "The cockpit? If it's anything like the gay bar on 14th Street, I'm not dressed right," she jokes. He also makes a move on Caroline, admitting he never thought he had a chance with her before because she was rich and he was 20 years older, but now she's broke and he had a facelift. Caroline agrees to go out with him, much to 2 Chainz's skepticism. "What you doing going out with a guy like that?" he asks. "You don't tell the pilot flying the plane you're on that you don't wanna go out with him," she justifies. Smart bitch.
In the cockpit, the co-pilot offers Max to put her hands on the wheel, as he discloses his past drug habits. It doesn't really help that he's been clean since Denzel Washington's movie Flight came out, which, as Max points out, is still in the theaters. Suddenly, the plane makes a strange noise, and Max assumes it's her fault. Caroline assures they'll be fine, as she was not meant to die "as the second banana in a cross-country booty call." She changes her mind when she sees Agnes running past them and speaking French frantically. In the wake of a possible tragedy, Max confesses to Caroline that she had taken $10 out of the cupcake fund for a Big Mac, while Caroline admits she had taken $100 to keep her hair blonde. After joking that Max broke the plane, Pilot Bill announces over the loudspeaker that they'll have to make an emergency landing in Kansas because of engine trouble.
The girls are now stuck in a motel in Kansas. Caroline just learned from her new "boyfriend," Captain Facelift, that Max's new "boyfriend," Graham (aka "the Brit"), is flying them home tomorrow on a commercial flight—coach. "I am pretty positive 2 Chainz would have taken us on that other plane they sent if you hadn't rapped for 30 minutes in that cornfield after we landed," Max says. She laments that she's not at the Grammys and has to content herself with a lousy vending machine sandwich. On the bright side, Caroline says that crash-landing in a cornfield with a rap star with their heads still attached was pretty magical. "Yeah, and 2 Chainz did say he enjoyed meeting us and that we're two fine, big booty hos," Max adds. The Grammys are starting on TV as the girls take off their bathrobes to reveal their dashing dresses—which they plan on returning to get their money back, hence the price tags still on. To make things even more magical, Max turns on the bed vibrator. "This kind of feels like the private plane," Caroline says. "Yeah, the one I have in my nightstand," Max says.
Current total: $4,800.00
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| If being flawless was a crime, she'd be serving a life sentence |
And why exactly did bring up the Grammys? Well, stick around to find out, silly!
"Girls, I have made a big decision," Han announces. Uh oh, these "big" decisions and announcements of Han's are always a cue for Max's mockery. "You're having a sex change? I totally support you, but be careful, Han—female-to-male is very tricky," Max says. See? "Well, you would know," Han snarks back. "He must have already started on the hormones," Caroline chimes in. Han's big decision is to swap the old glass ketchup bottles for new, revolutionary squeeze bottles. "It's like being an intern at Apple during the summer of '76," Caroline says of Han's "outside-the-box thinking." "That's right. Call me Han Jobs," he says, completely unaware of how dirty it sounded. "Oh, I will only call you Han Jobs," Max replies.
The girls get stuck doing ketchup bottles on a Friday night. When Caroline notices the bottles have a really toxic plastic smell, Max takes a bottle and huffs it. "I'm hoping it kills the brain cells that'll remember I'm stuck doing ketchups on a Friday night." Caroline thinks they should blow it off and go out. Max recalls The Raveonettes are playing, and they have "a little tip money and lot of deez" ("deez" being her rack). Caroline says the last time she saw them was in Denmark. "That is crazy because I first heard of them when I was dry-humping a guy named Mark in his den, so... Twinsies!" Max says.
Unfortunately, Max and Caroline find themselves in the back alley without tickets. "The last time I was in an alley behind a club, I was in an SUV with one of the Olsen twins. I still don't know which one," Caroline reveals. Some hipster dude in a cow costume offers the girls tickets for free, in exchange of Caroline milking him. "How bad do you want those tickets, Caroline?" Max mockingly asks. "Ha, not that bad," Caroline replies.
Caroline laments that New York without money is like no magic. "There's magic all over the city with or without money. You just have to make your own. By drinking," Max says as she pulls two beer cans out of her purse. Still, Caroline complains about them standing there like a couple of Beckys, and tells Max to work her magic. Max kicks the club's door a few times, but nothing happens, so she vents her frustration by kicking a trash can. Finally, a British guy opens the door. His name is Graham (guest star Adam Campbell) and he's with the band. He flirts with Max, and invites the girls backstage to hang with the band.
The next day at the diner, Caroline is worried that she hasn't heard from Max since she left with Graham. Sophie comes in wearing some sort of glittery, '80s-esque gym outfit. She was in the park running after the high school boys' track team, and she snagged a date with one of these boys to prom. Stifler's mom, anyone? Max finally shows up, and Caroline wonders why she looks extra pretty. "Probably the new shades I didn't pay for. Or the hours of him going Downton on my Abbey," Max replies. Earl doesn't want to hear spoilers, as he expresses his unlikely fondness for the show ("I enjoy any show where the help is white").
Caroline is suprised Max spent the night, which is unusual for her. Max says she will see him again on Sunday, and invites Caroline to tag along, informing her that Graham is flying them out to the Grammys in Los Angeles on his private plane! "My self-esteem could really use being mistaken for Taylor Swift right now! Which tells you how low my self-esteem is," Caroline says. As soon as Han hears this, he gets excited about the possibility of them meeting 2 Chainz. He and Caroline argue over who's the bigger fan of him, with Caroline even "rapping" the chorus to "Birthday Song." "That actually makes you look whiter," Max mocks. Han agrees to give the girls the weekend off if they get 2 Chainz to sign his T-shirt. Max reveals she's never been on a plane before. "Max, even snakes have been on a plane," Caroline says.
Caroline is happy to be back on a private plane, and she thanks Max for having sex with Graham. The French steward, Agnes, welcomes the girls and takes their luggage. Caroline and Agnes chat in French, leaving Max confused. "Oh, thank you. I'm not Angelina Jolie, I get that a lot," Max says at one point. Caroline realizes that private jet used to belong to her—she even finds an old Chanel lip gloss she hid in the cushions for a possible emergency. "Just in case something went wrong, I wanted to look good if I was going down," Caroline says. "You know they don't care what you look like as long as you go down," Max says. No lies told. Agnes serves the girls champagne and tells them they're waiting for one more passenger before departing, who is soon revealed to be 2 Chainz. He is tired and asks the steward for some Sleepytime Tea. "That is so gangster!" Max exclaims to Caroline. The plane takes off.
Caroline wants to take a picture with 2 Chainz, but he's still sleeping. In a sassy move, Max tries to wake him up by kicking his seat, without success. They decide to take the picture anyway, and Max thinks she should go first, as she "had morning sex for it with a leg cramp." For her pose, Max pulls out a badass duckface (hey, she's allowed) while squeezing her boobs to 2 Chainz's face. Since Max did boobs, Caroline decides to put her booty in his face, "'cause all he wants for his birthday is a big booty ho." 2 Chainz ends up waking up to Caroline's booty in his face. "I never get tired of waking up like this," he says. Caroline apologizes, and says she's a huge fan and relates to "Birthday Song." They all start rapping and having a blast.
The pilot barges in and says he wants to join the party, after hearing "booty" and "ho." "Always some weird white guy coming to crash a party," 2 Chainz tells Caroline. Turns out Caroline knows the pilot, Bill, who used to fly her and her friends around back in college. Bill invites Max to check out the cockpit. "The cockpit? If it's anything like the gay bar on 14th Street, I'm not dressed right," she jokes. He also makes a move on Caroline, admitting he never thought he had a chance with her before because she was rich and he was 20 years older, but now she's broke and he had a facelift. Caroline agrees to go out with him, much to 2 Chainz's skepticism. "What you doing going out with a guy like that?" he asks. "You don't tell the pilot flying the plane you're on that you don't wanna go out with him," she justifies. Smart bitch.
In the cockpit, the co-pilot offers Max to put her hands on the wheel, as he discloses his past drug habits. It doesn't really help that he's been clean since Denzel Washington's movie Flight came out, which, as Max points out, is still in the theaters. Suddenly, the plane makes a strange noise, and Max assumes it's her fault. Caroline assures they'll be fine, as she was not meant to die "as the second banana in a cross-country booty call." She changes her mind when she sees Agnes running past them and speaking French frantically. In the wake of a possible tragedy, Max confesses to Caroline that she had taken $10 out of the cupcake fund for a Big Mac, while Caroline admits she had taken $100 to keep her hair blonde. After joking that Max broke the plane, Pilot Bill announces over the loudspeaker that they'll have to make an emergency landing in Kansas because of engine trouble.
The girls are now stuck in a motel in Kansas. Caroline just learned from her new "boyfriend," Captain Facelift, that Max's new "boyfriend," Graham (aka "the Brit"), is flying them home tomorrow on a commercial flight—coach. "I am pretty positive 2 Chainz would have taken us on that other plane they sent if you hadn't rapped for 30 minutes in that cornfield after we landed," Max says. She laments that she's not at the Grammys and has to content herself with a lousy vending machine sandwich. On the bright side, Caroline says that crash-landing in a cornfield with a rap star with their heads still attached was pretty magical. "Yeah, and 2 Chainz did say he enjoyed meeting us and that we're two fine, big booty hos," Max adds. The Grammys are starting on TV as the girls take off their bathrobes to reveal their dashing dresses—which they plan on returning to get their money back, hence the price tags still on. To make things even more magical, Max turns on the bed vibrator. "This kind of feels like the private plane," Caroline says. "Yeah, the one I have in my nightstand," Max says.
Current total: $4,800.00
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