Girls
Episode 9
On All Fours
This episode continues the
trend of everyone making the best decisions possible. Okay, not
really at all. Everyone makes the bad decisions at the worst possible
time. It was brilliant to watch, and made me feel a bit better about
my own life. Hannah counts and swabs, Marnie sings, Shosh continues
to be Shosh, and Adam...well, you’ll see.
Adam and his new girlfriend
Nat seem to be getting along well. She’s decided that they can go
ahead with the sex now. And she’s very matter-of-fact about it all,
which is refreshing to Adam. “What other way is there?” she
responds.
Hannah, meanwhile, visits
David (John Cameron Mitchell) and gets her counting and butt-picking
out of the way in the elevator. Surprise, surprise, he doesn’t like
the pages she sent. “Did your hymen grow back?” he asks. He wants
sexy pages, real or not. Maybe turn it into a novel?
Shosh and Ray are having
breakfast. Or is it a tea ceremony? What with all the “geisha
shit,” according to Ray. And is he wearing a robe with a bunch of
awful peace signs on it? I cannot wait for these two to break up.
Marnie is walking around the apartment caterwauling. And she pleads
with Ray to help her “lay down a track” (ugh) on Garageband.
Don’t worry, I’m sure whatever she’s planning doesn’t involve
Charlie and won’t involve me hiding my face. Oh wait...
Hannah works on her novel
in her undies on her apartment floor, eating olives. She repositions
her ass and screams. Splinter in the butt! And it looks pretty nasty.
Commence me cringing at the thought/sight of it. I notice this is a
running motif this episode: make Kurt cringe in discomfort.
The real title to this
episode could very well be “Marnie, what the fuck are you doing?”
She goes to visit Charlie at his office. Apparently they had lunch
plans that he forgot. He’s just excited his app got a
record-breaking amount of MAUs (Monthly Average User, I think). And
to make up for lunch, he invites Marnie to the party they’re having
to celebrate the occasion. I mean, sure, why not invite your psycho
ex to every event? I don’t have any psycho exes, but if I was
having an event, I’d certainly ask them to attend. For flavor.
But back to the continual
downward spiral Hannah is in. She tweezes the splinter out and
decides it would be a good time to swab the shit out of her ear. And
she stabs her ear drum. Because Hannah. Can’t say I’ve ever had
issues with my ears, but I can imagine that would really fucking
hurt.
Naturally, she calls her
parents. “Nothing bigger than your elbow!” her mom yells into the
phone. Sage advice after the fact. They tell her to get to the ER.
And she does. Is it just me, or does this whole ordeal seem like a
cry for attention? Or a way for her to avoid writing?
The ER doctor is hilarious.
Maybe even the funniest part of this episode. He patches her up and
sends her on her way.
So of course Charlie
invited Shosh and Ray to the party. Because clearly Marnie wasn’t
enough awkward crazy for him. Ray is his usual asshole self, and
Shosh is, well, Shosh. I don’t think there’s an accurate
descriptor for her. Let’s call her “moody and guilty over the
whole making out with a doorman thing.” I just want them to break
up already.
Marnie, crazy as all get
out, accosts Ray about her voice again. Then, when she gets
validation from him, switches out the music and sings a goddamn
mashup for Charlie.
 |
| MARNIE WHAT ARE YOU DOING SO MUCH CRINGE |
That’s right. She turned a Daft Punk song (and others)
into something unholy. I guess in a certain light this is funny. But
all I was doing while watching it was burying my head in my hoodie,
waiting for the crazy shit-storm to pass. The show skirts the line
between awkwardly funny and downright uncomfortable so well, but this
scene has to fall into the latter. I was beyond uncomfortable
watching it.
After the song, Charlie and
Marnie have a talk in his office. He wants her to get her shit
together. To which I commend him. And then he fucks her on his desk.
Does anyone on this show have even a shred of common sense?! Both of
you: stop.
But wait! More—but
decidedly less—awkwardness comes to us when Ray calls Shosh out on
acting “like an alien.” She tells him about the doorman. And Ray
doesn’t seem to care. He hugs Shosh and tells her he loves her. The
look on Shosh’s face is the same fear an animal gets when they’re
caught in a bear trap. I think she’ll be gnawing her leg off soon
enough.
Elsewhere, Adam and Nat go
to her friend’s engagement party. Adam meets Amy Schumer and feels
awkward around all the normal people. I know what that feels like.
Nat is worried about drinking in front of him, but Adam doesn’t
care.
Hannah happens to walk past
the bar when Adam is hanging out front. They have some small talk,
Hannah relates her q-tip story, and Adam breaks the news that he has
a girlfriend.
He says goodbye to Hannah and then joins Nat for a few
drinks. Then they go crazy at the bar as Fiona Apple plays in the
background.
They go back to Adam’s
place, which Nat finds super-depressing. She talk about cleaning and
organizing when Adam tells her to “get on all fours.”
Reluctantly, she does. “Crawl to my bed.” Asking her to do so is
like asking her to walk a tetanus minefield. She also does this,
mumbling complaints under her breath. Everyone is cringing at this,
right? It’s not just me?
Adam throws her onto the
bed, pulls down her panties and eats out her ass (at least I’m
assuming based on her complaints). He then fucks her for like a
minute then cums all over her chest. And Nat is over it. “I
don’t think I like that,” she says after she’s cleaned up. If
that isn’t one of the worst things to say to someone. Such a punch
in the gut.
He asks her if their
relationship is over, but she doesn’t answer. Clearly he did that
on purpose. Also because no one on this show can be happy.
Hannah gets home and
finishes what she started on the other ear.
So no one got what they
wanted this episode. One could argue that Marnie did, but come on,
that is such a toxic relationship. Adam is still not over Hannah,
Hannah is still an OCD mess, Ray and Shosh are just tragic. I hope
Jessa is having a good time in France or wherever she’s wound up.
Maybe her and Elijah are off having fun somewhere.
GROSS
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