In Which I Reveal I Am A Liam/Miley Expert

I have times where I can't sleep, just like every  other human. 

I don't have that kind of ugly ass alarm clock.

I do my celebrity gossip reading then. This week was particularly bad for me sleep-wise. So I decided to familarize myself with the Liam and Miley schism because that seemed important.

Don't ask me how this happened. I don't have answers. I'm not even straight and this strikes me as wrong. 

This young couple- full of brains, beauty and arguably talent -has hit the skids lately. Allegedly. This isn't the first time for these two. Aren't the best relationships built on tumult? I'm looking at YOU, Michelle Obama.

Huh?

That being said, I think we all know Miley Cyrus has gone INSANE in the past few years. I judge that based off her faux-Robyn haircut (bitch ain't no Robyn!) And she recently quoted Jeff Buckley on Twitter, which I found troubling.

Now sources- I don't know who the fuck "sources" are- are saying their really weird engagement is done. The couple, who met as co-stars in the Nicholas Sparks snoozefest "The Last Song," has been traveling apart as of late. Yes, I know these things. There's also a word for irrational hatred of Anne Hathaway (Hathahate).

Liam has been cheating on Miley. Which I would be doing as well, given his case. Who has he been slobbering all over? Let's take a look:

January Jones. I'm not surprised because she's kind of an evil skank. She's also 35 and super-hot. So I said it. I think with my sex organs, bear with me.

AND PERHAPS....

Emma Watson. Personally I love Emma Watson. I feel she is an Olive Garden and Miley is a Taco Bell, so go Liam (if this is legit).

I mean did you see her Burberry campaign? "The Perks of Being a Wallflower?" The first Harry Potter film? 

And meanwhile:

Liam! Get off that Crazy Train! You do not want Billy Ray as a father-in-law! 



So here is to hoping I sleep better this week.