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A Day Late and a Dragon (BC THAT'S A WESTEROSI COIN, GET IT?!) Short

There has been a lot of build up to the third season of Game of Thrones. The first season was absolutely stellar, the second season, ehhh, a little not as stellar, and now we have the first half of the big, fat fatty book A Storm of Swords, where all hell starts breaking loose and - in case you thought everyone you loved was safe, you little Sansa - people start dropping like flies.

The thing about all this reading and watching and spoilering business is that I hoped to take the edge off the hunger pains I was having by the first of March. It did not help. I had the bar set pretty high in terms of expectations, only to lower them slightly after reading a review of the first episode that said there was a lot of talking and exposition, to get you set up for the rest of the season. But it didn't matter, in the end. Because Game of Thrones.

So I'm also building on what Kurt already wrote -- and his review is awesome, btw -- and I'm trying not to repeat so much or at least offer a different perspective/snarky comment. We might end up changing the review mash-up, but such an important milestone - DA FIRST EPISODE OF DA TURD SEASON - probably warrants two separate posts anyway.

S03E01: Valar Dohaeris

We have poor Sam heaving as he tries to outrun the undead. It's like The Night Watch's version of required phys ed and it's mile run day. He's about to get his world ended

when Ghost appears out of nowhere - LIKE A GHOST! - and starts yanking the wight off, before Night's Watch Lord Commander Jeor Mormont puts the medieval zombie to the torch.

As Kurt's review state, Mormont has one question: DIDJA GET THE CROWS OFF? DIDJA? DIDJA MANAGE THAT, SAM?

Poor, poor Sam. He did not. Mormont looks like my six-year-old when he's doing the "calming down" techniques they learned in school: struggling valiantly to keep from having a total meltdown. He decides they must return to the Wall. Wonder if they'll stop at Craster's on the way back?

Meanwhile, Jon is introduced to Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall, played by Ciaran Hinds, which ... okay, whatever. That the man is an outstanding actor is without question, but I imagined Mance a little younger, a little hotter and a little more...charming?

We also meet Tormund Giantsbane, and wtf. He is one of my favorite characters from the books, with his HARs and his excellent bear-fucking stories and good-natured sense of humor. I don't like this sullen fellow one bit.

I also mislike the part they removed from the book, where Mance tells Jon he saw King Robert at Winterfell and Jon convinces him he's sincere about defecting from TNW because his bastardy won't matter among the free folk, though the bit about Craster and the babies was okay, too. What else is okay is thinking about Ygritte eyeballing the shit out of Jon. Let's get those two dancing under Jon's new cloak, shall we?

Hmm...King's Landing next? Sansa's still Cersei's hostage, but at least she gets to hang out with Shae, who is like the Michonne of GoT. Littlefinger comes slithering along with Ros in tow (Ros is wearing what I can only imagine is considered "business casual" in Westeros), with promises to save Sansa when the time is right.

I must say, tv show Sansa is a vast improvement on book Sansa -- actually, most of the worst female characters have been given personality overhauls via the show, giving them more intelligence, ferocity and sassiness. Sansa I like in particular, because while she still retains traces of that naive, trusting princess-wannabe from Winterfell, she's picking up the game faster and she has a biting sarcasm that she displays occasionally with Joffrey.

Enter Margaery Tyrell, Joffrey's new bride-to-be. She's hot, she's rich, she's charitable --

-- and Cersei hates her SO MUCH, BAHAHAHA. It's like the battle of who has the best long, wavy hair. Joff, meanwhile, has no idea what to make of this person...who does nice things for poor people. It doesn't make sense! They're meant to be squashed under boot heels, not hugged! Then we are treated to an intimate look at dinner with the royal family of Westeros. Latent conversation sure makes for thrilling meals.

Hey, let's check in on Robb and Catelyn! They have come to Harrenhal, the infamously cursed castle which has apparently been ... after something...happened...what the hell is going on? Tywin left during last season and Robb's men have had possession of it since...and then raiders came and killed everyone? I'm confused, but whatever. I'm so bored with this plotline right now that I don't care to say anything else about it.

In case you were worried that he was suddenly offed in the second season,The Onion Knight, Ser Davos Seaworth, gets picked up by his friend Salador Saan -- some time after the Battle of Blackwater Bay when his ship was essploded by wildfire -- and dropped off at Dragonstone, where Melisandre is sporting a fuller skirt and tons of smugness. When Davos tries to stab her, Stannis finally deigns say something -- an order to put Davos in a dungeon. wonder no one likes you.

But what about Dany?!

Dany is pulling up into Slaver's Bay to buy some Unsullied. Frankly, they left out the worst part about the Unsullied training. Sure, there's that bit with the babies. But what REALLY gets you is the fact that each boy is given a puppy. They foster that puppy for a year and when the year is up, they must kill it. Those who fail to do so are torn up and fed to the dogs. Eeesh.

We meet Missandei, the scribe who acts as translator between Dany and the slaver. I knew they aged her up from about 10 years old in the books, but hello. They sexed her up, too.


Speculation is that she takes over some of Irri's, ahem, duties later on.

Oh, A+ to the special effects team for the dragons. That's quality dragon right there.

Khaleesi, I know your womb is barren and dragon children aren't like real children, but you need to stop trusting anyone ever, no matter how small and cute. Luckily, the baddest ass (...?) from Westeros, Barristan Selmy, has come to handle pest control, join your Queensguard and protect you forever and sorry about the rest of your family...Just don't ruffle Ser Jorah's feathers, okay, B? Okay? No? Well this could get ugly.

In all, I give this first episode of the third season: 7/10 nipple slices.


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