Game of Thrones: The Generosity of Whores

Episode 3

Walk of Punishment

Robb—They send Lord Tully down the river at Riverrun. Catelyn’s brother, Edmure, tries to light their father’s skiff with a fiery arrow, but misses a few times. His and Cat’s father grabs the bow, pushes Edmure out of the way and lights the skiff before it almost drifts out of range.

In the meeting room, Edmure and his father squabble while Robb ponders out the window. After a while, Robb turns to Edmure and reads him for military filth. Seems that there was a battle near Riverrun. The Hound had overtaken a mill, and Edmure and his men ran him off, losing 200 of his men in the process. “The Lannisters can afford to lose men, we can’t,” Robb says. Plus. Instead of running the Hound off, they could have waited for Robb and killed the Hound for good.

Edmure points out that they took some Lannister children hostage. Robb quashes that good news, though. Sansa and Arya are captive, and has Robb called for peace? No. And will the Lannisters give a shit about two distant relatives? Also no.

This scene was the first time I really felt that Robb is a leader. For a lot of this season and part of last, he seemed to just go through the motions, reactionary. It was nice to see him school his elders in the art of military strategy.

Later, Catelyn talk with her uncle, known as the Blackfish. She wishes she could have been there for her father, and hopes Blackfish was able to reconcile with Lord Tully. He did, in a way. Cat reminisces about how she’d look out the window for her father to come home, and how she’ll never see Bran and Rickon again (like I said before, she’s got a lot of baggage going on). Blackfish urges her to be strong for Robb, who believes her other sons are still alive.

This scene is great for two reasons. I know Cat is sad about not being there for her father’s death, but, man, thank god they cut all that from the show. I’m sorry, but her sitting at her dying father’s bedside for hundreds of pages does not make for good tv. Also, I think it’s just a given in the books that everyone thinks Bran and Rickon are dead. At least there is some hope in all this bleakness.

Also, Talisa (Robb’s wife), tends to the Lannister boys. They ask her if Robb can turn into a wolf and does he eat human flesh. She answers “yes” to both with a sarcastic smirk. But it’s okay, Robb doesn’t eat children, unless it’s a full moon...

Talisa just fucked with those kids’ minds. I like her now.

King’s Landing—I don’t know, I wasn’t really that into the folks at King’s Landing this episode. Maybe because we haven’t had a break from them like some of the storylines.

Anyhoo, Tywin calls a Small Council meeting, with Littlefinger, Maester Pycelle, Lord Varys, Cersei and Tyrion, who both make a point of moving their chairs. 

 Tywin is pissed no one knows what’s happened to Jamie. Even Varys has nothing to report. He does mention Lord Bolton holds Harrenhall, but Tywin does not give a single fuck.

Littlefinger announces he’s going to the Eyrie to wed Lisa Arryn (that’s Catelyn’s crazy sister, for those of you playing catch up), who always had a wet spot for him. By doing so, that would make the Eyrie an ally of King’s Landing in a way. Tyrion notes that Littlefinger will be leaving his duties as Master of Coin (aka the finance guy).

Funny you should ask, Tywin says to Tyrion. That’s why you’re the new Master of Coin. Tyrion tries to point out he’s good at spending money, not keeping it. Aren’t we all?

Later, Littlefinger gives Tyrion all his number books. Oh, and Ros shows up to flash her cleavage at Pod. Even in this tiny scene, she owns it.

She's my favorite non-book character amalgamation.

The men talk about whores and numbers for a bit. Then Tyrion meets up with Bronn and they introduce Pod to some whores.

Tyrion learns that King’s Landing owes a lot of people a lot of money. Pod returns, and gives Tyrion the money intended for the whores back. Seems Pod was so good, they whores refused it. Yawn. I’m sorry, but everything in KL this episode was boresville. It’s like they threw in some boobs to distract—oh hey, what else is going on?

Arya—A short but melancholy scene for Arya and the gang. As the Brotherhood gets ready to set off, Hot Pie makes an announcement to Arya and Gendry: he’s staying to work at the inn. He baked some bread for the innkeeper and they loved it. He even made Arya a wolf cookie/pie thing. It was a cute scene, if not a little sad. Hot Pie was never a main character, but he went through a lot with Arya.

So long, Hot Pie!

Jon Snow—Mance and the gang investigate the Fist, where Mormont and the Night’s Watch were decimated by the White Walkers. Looks like the Walkers are artistic in their slaughter; they chopped up their horses and made a pattern in the snow. Impressive, and also disgusting.

The Night’s Watch have lost some of their best men, but Mance is certain the Mormont is still alive. So Mance orders Giantsbane to take a group of men to climb the Wall and take it. And take Jon with him; if he betrays them, “see if crows can fly.” All I know is I’ve been waiting for Jon and Ygritte to get it on, and it hasn’t happened yet and I am frustrated. Is the “game” in Game of Thrones toying with my emotions...and also my groin area?

Soon, this will be happening.

Meanwhile, Sam, Mormont and the rest find refuge at Craster’s. You remember Craster, right? Creepy old man, has sex with his daughters, who give him more daughters so the cycle continues. Oh, and if a son is born, he leaves them in the woods for the White Walkers. Real nice guy.

Craster isn’t happy to have what’s left of the Night’s Watch at his home, eating his food, but he’s a “godly man” so he won’t refuse them. One of his daughters is having birth elsewhere, but they can hear her screams. Craster says the sow in her pen doesn’t make as much noise. Oh, and did you know Samwell is fat? Like a pig? Craster makes sure everyone else knows that, too. Like I said, great guy.

Sam leaves, and finds Gilly giving birth in a nearby shack. Congratulations! It’s a boy! Oh...right...well, uhm, I’m sure you’ll have a girl next time? God this is all very depressing.

Daenerys—Dany, Jorah and Selmy debate the benefits of having an army of Unsullied. Jorah makes a convincing argument for it; no innocents need die at their hands if Dany orders it so. Selmy counter that Dany’s father didn’t need to buy an army, he had the people with him. And then he got murdered. So that worked out well.

They walk along a street called the Walk of Punishment. Slaves are crucified along it. When Dany tries to give a dying slave water, he refuses.

They meet with the slave-trader, and Dany wants to buy all of the Unsullied, even the ones still in training. The trader scoffs at her boldness. He breaks it down for her; she has barely enough money for 200 let alone the 8000 she’s asking for. How do you plan to pay for the rest?

Dragons, Dany says. She will give them a dragon in exchange for the Unsullied. Jorah and Selmy object loudly. But Dany is steadfast. After a quick debate, the trader agrees. Oh, and she wants Missandei, the slave girl (who has been doing a good job of translating out the trader’s offensive comments).

After, Dany bitches out Jorah and Selmy. Do not question her in front of strangers. She appreciates their advice, but she knows what she’s doing. For her sake, let’s hope so...

Theon—Oh hey, Theon. The mysterious stranger helps him onto a horse, and Theon rides away.

Seriously, wtf am I doing in this season? I'm not in this book!

Eventually, his captors catch up to him. And here’s where things get rapey. Some men hold Theon down and pull his pants down. Just before Sir Rapes-a-lot can rape him “into the dirt,” arrows fly. The mysterious man from before takes all the men out with ease.

Stannis—Melisandre is going somewhere, and Stannis is that creepy kind of horny. He wants to “make a son” with her, aka “let’s birth a shadow demon to kill Joffrey and Robb.” But she puts the kibosh on that. His “fires burn low.” But, if Stannis should find another person from his bloodline, that should do the trick.

Jamie and Brienne—These two kids bicker like a married couple about getting captured. Brienne makes sure to jibe Jamie about his swordfighting prowess. Jamie claims it’s because he’s been out of practice, but Brienne thinks it’s because he’s constantly “overpraised.”

Jamie turns the conversation to rape. In that, once their captors make camp, they’ll all take a turn with her. He advises her not to resist, that it will be much easier that way. Brienne has no intention of letting it happen, and that if Jamie were a woman he’d do the same. But if Jamie were a woman in her position, he’d just kill himself. Nice.

But that night, they make camp, and sure enough, some men come to rape Brienne. She puts up a good fight (she’s taller than all of them), but she gets hauled off.

Jamie, chained to a tree, tries to reason with Lord Bolton’s man, Locke. He spins a tale about Brienne, claiming that Tarth is called the Sapphire Isle because of its riches. If she were returned to her family with purity intact, they’d pay a hefty ransom.

This intrigues Locke, who orders the men to stop trying to rape Brienne and tie her up. Jamie then talk of his own family. His father will pay a great ransom as well, and Locke would do well to side with the winning team. He can tell he’s got Locke duped; he even unchains Jamie from the tree and offers him some dinner.

Only, they kick Jamie down, and throw him onto a wide tree stump. Lock brandishes a large knife and tells Jamie throwing his father’s name about won’t help him all the time, nor will his presumptuous attitude. And to make sure Jamie doesn’t forget it, Locke takes Jamie’s hand. His sword hand. CHOP

That was just one of many OMG moment this season has in store. You know nothing. Oh, and remember...