OMG, I'm terribly sorry for my ridiculously late post!! This time, however, my laziness is not to be blamed. You see, my shitty CPU broke down last Tuesday (it's a miracle that it lasted this long, to be honest), so I had to have a technician transfer all the data to a new CPU, and I only got it back yesterday. I'm not sure if I got the computer lingo right, but all that matters is that my computer is working so perfectly now, I could almost cry. Anyway, despite all the setbacks, I felt morally obligated to commit myself to those who couldn't possibly do without my wonderful (and humble) recaps. Alright, enough chit-chat, let's get on with it.
Max and Caroline celebrate Chestnut's tenth birthday with a carrot cake. Max blows his candle because she already knew what he wished for: "That one day, he and I live in a world where our love is recognized and we have the same rights as gay couples." One of Chestnut's horseshoes fall off, and Caroline points out that they don't have the money to fix it. Max mentions that she hooked up with a guy at Oktoberfest who is a blacksmith. Seriously, what would we all be without Max's random hookups?
Max comes into the diner and tells Caroline she found her blacksmith, who now shares an artisan barn with a lady who makes clothing out of bees (okay...). She learned that Chestnut needs four new shoes and has a hoof fungus. To make matters worse, the cost of new shoes and vet fee is $1,400. A casting crew comes in—an Asian guy named Tom Woo tells the girls they are interested in renting the diner out to shoot a scene of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, which instantly grabs Max's interest.
Caroline notices how the rugged, handsome director is her type of guy. As DJ Kingsley introduces himself to the girls, he comments that Earl has a great face and offers him to be an extra on the show. Max volunteers for a part, too, but DJ is visibly more interested in Caroline, who he says is too pretty to just be a waitress. Caroline reveals that she portrayed Fantine in Les Misérables back in high school. DJ invites the girls to be extras on the show, and Tom adds that it pays $112 a day.
Max and Caroline take Tom to talk to Han about using the diner as a shooting location. According to Tom, the diner has the right amount of "funk and skank." "If we do real good in this and get a spin-off, that'll be the name of our show—Funk and Skank!" Max jokes to Caroline. "Okay, but I don't wanna be Skank," Caroline says. "Oh, clearly I'm Skank," Max replies. Han attempts to warm up to Tom by talking in Korean, to which Tom awkwardly replies that he's from Pasadena. "I never thought I'd be in a TV show where no one was yelling, 'You are not the father!'" Max celebrates.
Max and Caroline come out wearing '50s-style waitress uniforms. "When we're the big stars of Funk and Skank, we won't have to wear any uniforms," Max says. Caroline thought Funk and Skank were cops, but Max says they are hookers. Caroline proposes that they are "copstitutes"—cops by day and prostitutes by night. "Either way, we're New York's finest," Max jokes. The crew films the first scene, where the shooter comes in while Earl is in the background not giving a damn and counting bills like a boss. DJ tells Caroline she looks pretty. "I think the director kinda likes me," Caroline says. "I don't know about him, but his penis does," Max quips. Filming continues, but instead of the shooter, Sophie comes in and ruins the scene. When DJ asks her how she got through, she replies, "Oh, please. I once got through the Berlin Wall. You think two kids with walkie-talkies can stop me?"
In the office, Max helps herself with free sushi and dessert. Tom comes in and tells the girls the film crew is ready for them. For their scene, Max and Caroline are behind the counter as the shooter hits another girl, who is the featured waitress. Max recognizes her from a previous SVU episode where she was already killed, causing her to get casted off. DJ suggests that Caroline fills in for the part, which pays $1000 more. Caroline agrees, and demonstrates her death scene as Fantini.
The special-effects guy puts his hand down Caroline's blouse to rig the blood device, which DJ says is very sensitive. However, it slips Caroline's mind as Max hugs her and the blood device goes off. She even reenacts Fantine's death scene, but the camera wasn't rolling. After wrapping up filming for the day, DJ makes flirty comments at Caroline and invites her to dinner in his hotel room. Caroline fears he might want to get into her pants, so she asks Max to tag along with her.
"This director slips you anything that looks like a SweeTart, it's probably that date rape drug that knocks you out and distorts your memory. Or at least that's what it does to the guys I give it to," Max tells Caroline on the way to DJ's hotel room. DJ gives the girls champagne, and as he puts his arm around Caroline, she uses her own anti-date rape method: talking incessantly about herself. But instead of turning him off, he kisses her. She says she doesn't want Max to feel left out, so he kisses her too, much to her surprise. As Caroline is telling him that he has the wrong idea, he gets a phone call from his wife, and he says he wants to say "good night" to the kids. Damn, he didn't even try to hide it.
Caroline is unsure what to do, since she needs the money for Chestnut. "This is the oldest tale in the book—a woman forced to trade her body to get her child shoes. It's Shakespearian, it's Dickensian, it's Kardashian," she muses. Is it just me or did they went from hipster bashing to taking jabs at the Kardashians? Fine by me. "Look at the bright side. You already thought he was sexy, so you were probably gonna sleep with him eventually. And now that he's married, you know he won't cheat on you with somebody else because you're that somebody else. You a side bitch!" Max wisely says. Caroline recalls that she told him he read the signs wrong. DJ walks out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist (lookin' pretty fine, if you ask me). "Apparently the sign he read said 'Three-way up ahead,'" Max notes. Caroline insists that he misread the signs.
The next day, Caroline ensures that DJ has no hard feelings towards her. Yet the special-effects dude puts the blood device on Max as Tom announces that she is getting featured instead of Caroline. DJ flirts with Max and even invites her to lunch in his trailer. "By the way, your rack looks fantastic," he adds after mentioning his kid is reading a poem at school. "You seem like a great dad," Max replies sarcastically. Well, he's definitely a great fit for her, considering he's a hot dad and she has daddy issues.
Caroline asks if this is about the night before, and DJ assures that it's all good. That is, until he tells Tom that he doesn't want to see her and instructs him to "bury her deep." "Max, if you do this, you'll be getting paid for sex," Caroline warns. "Well, it's about time," Max quips. Caroline keeps interrupting the shooting to tell Max that she doesn't have to this for Chestnut and they can find money somewhere. Tom pulls Caroline aside and insists that she stay away from the shot, or neither of the girls is going to be paid.
During the shoot, Sophie, who had expressed desire to be a part of the shoot earlier, emerges from the office to demand a role on the show. Tom tries to stop her from talking to DJ but bumps into Caroline, who accidentally hits the button that triggers Max's blood device. DJ orders Tom to replace Max with another girl. "Typical! Shoot on my chest and you're done with me," Max says, making use of quite an obvious sexual innuendo.
"Last time I looked like this, I was coming out of an acid trip and my friend Daniel was missing," a fake-blood-soaked Max says as she and Caroline enter Han's office. Tom comes in and tells the girls they are getting paid for the day before, but not for today or for the featured extra. Han gives him a list of "damages" to the diner, including a $1000 charge for the damage done to Max and Caroline, as he learned of the funny business the director had attempted the night before. Tom says that he will get the girls paid in exchange of Han's silence. "And tonight, on a very special episode of Funk and Skank, the cute, tiny Asian guy turns out to be the girls' pimp, and the copstitutes are able to buy new horseshoes," Max jokingly narrates. Am I the only one who's dying to watch an episode of Funk and Skank now?
Current total: $1,205.00
Max and Caroline celebrate Chestnut's tenth birthday with a carrot cake. Max blows his candle because she already knew what he wished for: "That one day, he and I live in a world where our love is recognized and we have the same rights as gay couples." One of Chestnut's horseshoes fall off, and Caroline points out that they don't have the money to fix it. Max mentions that she hooked up with a guy at Oktoberfest who is a blacksmith. Seriously, what would we all be without Max's random hookups?
Max comes into the diner and tells Caroline she found her blacksmith, who now shares an artisan barn with a lady who makes clothing out of bees (okay...). She learned that Chestnut needs four new shoes and has a hoof fungus. To make matters worse, the cost of new shoes and vet fee is $1,400. A casting crew comes in—an Asian guy named Tom Woo tells the girls they are interested in renting the diner out to shoot a scene of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, which instantly grabs Max's interest.
Caroline notices how the rugged, handsome director is her type of guy. As DJ Kingsley introduces himself to the girls, he comments that Earl has a great face and offers him to be an extra on the show. Max volunteers for a part, too, but DJ is visibly more interested in Caroline, who he says is too pretty to just be a waitress. Caroline reveals that she portrayed Fantine in Les Misérables back in high school. DJ invites the girls to be extras on the show, and Tom adds that it pays $112 a day.
Max and Caroline take Tom to talk to Han about using the diner as a shooting location. According to Tom, the diner has the right amount of "funk and skank." "If we do real good in this and get a spin-off, that'll be the name of our show—Funk and Skank!" Max jokes to Caroline. "Okay, but I don't wanna be Skank," Caroline says. "Oh, clearly I'm Skank," Max replies. Han attempts to warm up to Tom by talking in Korean, to which Tom awkwardly replies that he's from Pasadena. "I never thought I'd be in a TV show where no one was yelling, 'You are not the father!'" Max celebrates.
Max and Caroline come out wearing '50s-style waitress uniforms. "When we're the big stars of Funk and Skank, we won't have to wear any uniforms," Max says. Caroline thought Funk and Skank were cops, but Max says they are hookers. Caroline proposes that they are "copstitutes"—cops by day and prostitutes by night. "Either way, we're New York's finest," Max jokes. The crew films the first scene, where the shooter comes in while Earl is in the background not giving a damn and counting bills like a boss. DJ tells Caroline she looks pretty. "I think the director kinda likes me," Caroline says. "I don't know about him, but his penis does," Max quips. Filming continues, but instead of the shooter, Sophie comes in and ruins the scene. When DJ asks her how she got through, she replies, "Oh, please. I once got through the Berlin Wall. You think two kids with walkie-talkies can stop me?"
In the office, Max helps herself with free sushi and dessert. Tom comes in and tells the girls the film crew is ready for them. For their scene, Max and Caroline are behind the counter as the shooter hits another girl, who is the featured waitress. Max recognizes her from a previous SVU episode where she was already killed, causing her to get casted off. DJ suggests that Caroline fills in for the part, which pays $1000 more. Caroline agrees, and demonstrates her death scene as Fantini.
The special-effects guy puts his hand down Caroline's blouse to rig the blood device, which DJ says is very sensitive. However, it slips Caroline's mind as Max hugs her and the blood device goes off. She even reenacts Fantine's death scene, but the camera wasn't rolling. After wrapping up filming for the day, DJ makes flirty comments at Caroline and invites her to dinner in his hotel room. Caroline fears he might want to get into her pants, so she asks Max to tag along with her.
"This director slips you anything that looks like a SweeTart, it's probably that date rape drug that knocks you out and distorts your memory. Or at least that's what it does to the guys I give it to," Max tells Caroline on the way to DJ's hotel room. DJ gives the girls champagne, and as he puts his arm around Caroline, she uses her own anti-date rape method: talking incessantly about herself. But instead of turning him off, he kisses her. She says she doesn't want Max to feel left out, so he kisses her too, much to her surprise. As Caroline is telling him that he has the wrong idea, he gets a phone call from his wife, and he says he wants to say "good night" to the kids. Damn, he didn't even try to hide it.
Caroline is unsure what to do, since she needs the money for Chestnut. "This is the oldest tale in the book—a woman forced to trade her body to get her child shoes. It's Shakespearian, it's Dickensian, it's Kardashian," she muses. Is it just me or did they went from hipster bashing to taking jabs at the Kardashians? Fine by me. "Look at the bright side. You already thought he was sexy, so you were probably gonna sleep with him eventually. And now that he's married, you know he won't cheat on you with somebody else because you're that somebody else. You a side bitch!" Max wisely says. Caroline recalls that she told him he read the signs wrong. DJ walks out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist (lookin' pretty fine, if you ask me). "Apparently the sign he read said 'Three-way up ahead,'" Max notes. Caroline insists that he misread the signs.
The next day, Caroline ensures that DJ has no hard feelings towards her. Yet the special-effects dude puts the blood device on Max as Tom announces that she is getting featured instead of Caroline. DJ flirts with Max and even invites her to lunch in his trailer. "By the way, your rack looks fantastic," he adds after mentioning his kid is reading a poem at school. "You seem like a great dad," Max replies sarcastically. Well, he's definitely a great fit for her, considering he's a hot dad and she has daddy issues.
Caroline asks if this is about the night before, and DJ assures that it's all good. That is, until he tells Tom that he doesn't want to see her and instructs him to "bury her deep." "Max, if you do this, you'll be getting paid for sex," Caroline warns. "Well, it's about time," Max quips. Caroline keeps interrupting the shooting to tell Max that she doesn't have to this for Chestnut and they can find money somewhere. Tom pulls Caroline aside and insists that she stay away from the shot, or neither of the girls is going to be paid.
During the shoot, Sophie, who had expressed desire to be a part of the shoot earlier, emerges from the office to demand a role on the show. Tom tries to stop her from talking to DJ but bumps into Caroline, who accidentally hits the button that triggers Max's blood device. DJ orders Tom to replace Max with another girl. "Typical! Shoot on my chest and you're done with me," Max says, making use of quite an obvious sexual innuendo.
"Last time I looked like this, I was coming out of an acid trip and my friend Daniel was missing," a fake-blood-soaked Max says as she and Caroline enter Han's office. Tom comes in and tells the girls they are getting paid for the day before, but not for today or for the featured extra. Han gives him a list of "damages" to the diner, including a $1000 charge for the damage done to Max and Caroline, as he learned of the funny business the director had attempted the night before. Tom says that he will get the girls paid in exchange of Han's silence. "And tonight, on a very special episode of Funk and Skank, the cute, tiny Asian guy turns out to be the girls' pimp, and the copstitutes are able to buy new horseshoes," Max jokingly narrates. Am I the only one who's dying to watch an episode of Funk and Skank now?
Current total: $1,205.00
Comments
Post a Comment