Game of Thrones: My One True God is Death

Episode 7

The Bear and the Maiden Fair

I thought this episode was a bit slower than the rest this season. I still liked it, plus George RR Martin himself wrote this ep, and you can't go wrong with that. It was more introspective, and it set up a lot of plot points for the next three installments which, if the novel is any indication, will be so fucking insane. So enjoy this down time while you can!

Jon Snow—The group of Wildlings venture out on the other side of the Wall. Ygritte pokes fun at how Jon’s people carry banners and march to a drum. It’s funny, but they have those things for a reason, Ygritte. You wouldn’t understand.

Orell notices how lovey-dovey the two of them are, and does his best to drive a wedge between them. Telling Jon Ygritte only loves him because it suits her, and he later tell Ygritte that sure Jon is pretty, but he’ll drop her as soon as he can. Oh, and Giantsbane gives Jon some sex advice. The phrase “wet as a seal” was used. Gotta love the Martin episodes of this series. He has a flair for dirty sex talk.

Later, Jon and Ygritte go hunting, and along the way, she takes note of a “castle.”

“Uhm, that’s just a windmill,” Jon says. He says she’d practically swoon at the sight of Winterfell. And then they have some adorable banter.

But Jon also mentions that there’s no way the Wildlings will win. Ygritte scoffs. But the last six times they’ve tried, they’ve lost. They have no order, no strategy. She doesn’t believe him; mentions that Mance has a plan. But she really should take Jon’s word. He has a point.

Robb—The convoy to the Frey’s gets delayed by the weather, which gives Robb and Talisa time to get it on. 

He bit her lip and I just about lost my mind from the sexy.

Talk about a ridiculously attractive couple. They lounge in post coital bliss, Talisa writes a letter to her mother, and let’s it slip that she’s pregnant with Robb’s heir. He’s beyond happy. Aren’t they the cutest?

King’s Landing—I guess some things happen here, but it’s not very exciting. Sorry, George! Sansa cries a lot about how horrible her life is to Margaery, who shrugs and tells her she could be worse off. Sansa’s child will be heir to Casterly Rock and the North. And then Sansa gets this wide-eyed look on her face, as if she’d never thought about sex before.

Tyrion talks with Bronn about Sansa and Shae (Tyrion’s whore). His advice? Marry one and bed the other. He’s such a wise man.

Tyrion tries to tell Shae that his marriage is “duty, not desire” and that she’ll be well taken care of. And he hopes to have children with her one day. Shae is not having any of it. To be honest, Tyrion is thinking a bit too optimistically.

Tywin pays Joffrey a visit. His grandson wonders why he hasn’t been consulted on any of the Small Council meetings. And what’s this about Daenerys and dragons? Tywin is such an imposing figure, and perhaps the only person Joffrey won’t speak up to. It’s fabulous.

Tywin pats him on the head and says “there, there, you dumb son of a bitch, let the grown-ups handle everything. You just run along and skewer some more whores with arrows, you sick fuck.”

What? That’s not what happened? Well, that’s how I choose to remember it.

While not exactly part of King’s Landing, Melisandre and Gendry take a ship through the Blackwater. And she tells him what he’s been wondering for a long time: he is in fact the bastard of Robert Baratheon. Knock him over with a feather.

Arya—That evening, Arya broods over the loss of Gendry. Then Beric gets word of a group of Lannister soldiers nearby. Arya is beyond pissed that he’s not keeping his promise to bring her to Riverrun.

She flees the camp and hides. But the Hound is there waiting for her. He steals her off into the night.

Bran—Osha is pissed that Jojen is filling Bran’s head with black magic nonsense. They intend to go beyond the Wall now, not Castle Black. She refuses, and tells them a story about what lies beyond the Wall, about how her love became a White Walker and she had to kill him. And that’s why she won’t take them any further than Castle Black.

Theon—It was almost as if George had to write a scene for Theon and thought “let’s have more torture, but let’s make it sexy.” So, two nubile ladies lay Theon down and have their way with him in true George RR Martin fashion. But just when Theon is really getting into it, torturer man breaks it up and cuts Theon’s dick off. Or not. Do we care, I ask you?

We do not care, I answer.

Daenerys—Across the sea, Dany and her ever-growing convoy stop outside Yunkai, “The Yellow City.” A sprawling city with high walls and plenty of provisions. They could withstand an army, Jorah warns. But there are slaves in the city, and Dany can’t have that.

They meet with one of Yunkai’s lords, a swarthy dark-haired fellow. He offers her plenty of gold and a ship, if only she would carry on and not attack the city. Dany sits resplendent, with her dragons menacing the lord nearby. 

She tells him the gifts are lovely, but she’s coming to free the slaves, so you’d better just surrender. The lord threatens her, and the dragons do not take kindly to it. He retreats without his gold, mentioning he has “powerful friends.” This intrigues Dany. (Side note: how awesome is Emilia Clarke in this scene?!)

Jamie and Brienne—The duo say an awkward goodbye, as Jamie gets ready to make for King’s Landing. She mentions she’ll be left alone with Locke, which cannot turn out well. He says he owes her a debt (and the Lannisters always repay their debts, dontcha know).

Bolton tells Jamie to send his regards to his family, as he’ll be at the Frey-Tully wedding. And Jamie wasn’t invited? Imagine that. Maybe he didn't RSVP.

Outside Harrenhall, Jamie chats with the disgraced Maester as he tends to his wound. Turns out he was disgraced by performing experiments on sick and dying poor people. Talk turns to Brienne, and that her father offered 300 dragons for her safe return. Locke refused, because someone told him Tarth was full of sapphires (that would be Jamie, fyi). Now she’ll be used as “entertainment.”

Jamie convinces—aka threatens—his escort to take him back to Harrenhall. They arrive later that evening, and Jamie finds Locke’s men surrounding a combat pit, with Brienne and a very large bear in the center. 

And she’s not doing too well, what with her wooden sword and all. Jamie jumps in the pit and helps her fend off the bear. His escort assists him (but only because he’s under Lord Bolton’s orders to see Jamie safely to King’s Landing). Jamie and Brienne pull off a harrowing escape and leave together. King’s Landing or bust!