I Do Not Give A Shit About the Supermoon: A Vague Essay

By Britt

Once upon a time, I cared about the Supermoon. I thought it was something significant in some respect I was called upon to give a shit about. I thought: "Well, it's a big moon." And the way the media built it up! You would have thought the moon was going to fall out of the sky and into Paula Deen's waiting mouth.

Doused in butter, naturally. RIP Paula's career

Then, last year I experienced my first "Supermoon." Even though apparently we've been having them for years. Who knew?!?! NOT ME. 

I went outside- it was Cinco de Mayo and I was with friends- and I expected to see a GIGANTIC GLOWING ORB IN THE NIGHT SKY. I waited for something like a Biblical prophecy. I looked up, over the man-made pollution, and...

It was just a moon. Just a full. Moon.

What am I looking at? Oh. That.

So maybe there are astrological meanings for this I don't fully grasp. And maybe it is a lot closer than it's ever been, but I really don't care. I'll look at it, sure. I'll look for it, yeah. But am I going to pee myself over this? NO. Urine has been shed for greater reasons.

I do realize people are off during full moons, but that happens once a month anyway. Have you ever noticed this? Paula Deen starts downing tubs of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" and crying in the shower. It's all unsettling.

In case you do care, here is some information about tonight's Supermoon activities.