My Imaginary Greta Gerwig Interview.

Still no idea who she is!

Me: I have no idea who you are. Were you on "Girls?"

Greta: No, that's stupid. Who are you?

Me: I'm actually half Kardashian.

Greta (staring): No, you're not.

Me: I'm Sarah Jessica Parker.

Greta: No!

Me: Shaq.

Greta: This is so lame. Can you just ask me questions and leave, please?

Me: Okay. (now, I stare, and say NOTHING).

Greta: You're creepy.

Me: I'm sorry "After Earth" bombed.

Greta: I'm, I'm not in "After Earth." I'm in "Frances Ha."

Me: I don't care.

Greta: Why are you doing this?

Me: Because I need publicity. BIG NAMES.

Greta: Why not Carey Mulligan?

Me: She's British. (whispers) NO ONE CARES.

Greta: I'm leaving. (gets up) YOU'RE SICK.

Then I woke up.

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The Useless Critic 2.0

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