"My Own Private Idaho:" A Brief, Sleepy Review

Sometimes I read about things at night when I can't sleep (I have occasional insomnia and I'm seriously scared of my own shadow, so there's that). Typically I read about celebrities, because it's the most non-threatening thing to me. Sometimes it's about other things, like historical events or cities I'd like to visit.

And lately, I just go to a snarky message board meant for gay men. I know I am not a gay man and I do not like men, so I'm a little bit of an outlier. Nonetheless I love their snark and their theories that all celebrities are gay or sex addicts. It's been QUITE eye-opening for me. Also: I'm too shy to chime in at all. Plus I know nothing so I just keep to myself.

Anyway, like two weeks ago I read this rather long thread about Keanu Reeves' sexuality. And I was like "!!!!" because I always thought of Neo being straight, but in retrospect he is pretty ambiguous isn't he? Also: DO NOT LOOK AT RECENT PICTURES OF HIM. JUST DON'T. Like the "The Lone Ranger," we will just pretend it NEVER happened.

His best role...ever.

On this thread, or in it or whatever, someone mentioned he may have had a thing with the deceased River Phoenix. And I was like what!!! Shut your dirty whore mouth! But then I was like "I don't know anything about River Phoenix." So I've been reading a lot about the elder Phoenix. I loved "Stand By Me" as a kid, and when my brother told me River was dead, I was in shock because I was like ten and thought HE'S TOO YOUNG TO DIE.

Let me just get to the point here. I decided to watch "My Own Private Idaho." And today I finished it! (I hate watching movies on my computer by myself).

I'm not a Gus Van Sant fan. I don't know why; I'm just not. I used to like him when I was in high school but I think I grew out of that. Like a turtleneck. Also: Did you know this is James Franco's favorite film? Barf barf.

It's a very weird, surreal but touching and haunting film. It's something that sticks around in your mind after watching and can affect your mood. The whole feel of it is detached and dreamy. River's performance is a sensitive tour de force. It hurts to watch him at times. He's like a wounded animal- and reminiscent of James Dean in "Rebel Without a Cause." Keanu? He does an okay job as River's best friend who is also the object of his unrequited, pre-"Brokeback" love. They would have made a super-cute couple, for the record. Probably better (and maybe more believable?) than Keanu and Sandra in "Speed," three years later.

A BUS A BUS

It's also a loose Shakespeare adaptation- which makes sense in some way. Because it's just a weird arty film. It's good and probably requires more than one viewing to digest completely. Plus, it breaks your heart in a beautiful, terrible way.

The worst part of this movie, though, is realizing we lost River way too soon. He was such a gifted actor, and it'd probably be a disservice to his legacy to add him to that cult of celebrity he so loathed, but. A lot of actors come across as cardboard and he didn't.

So, in closing: This was a good movie. It was a little weird and probably NOT for everyone. I am still not a fan of Gus Van Sant or James Franco. And my jury is still out on Keanu Reeves, but whatever man.

The End

Rating: 92/100

"Mon Soleil" - Ashley Park

If there's anything people take away from my piss-poor legacy, I hope it's what a huge, unabashed fan of "Emily in Paris" I am and will continue to be. People love "90 Day Fiancee," "The Bachelor," and other garbage - allow me "Emily," which is at least harmless, kind of goofy fluff (which does, unfortunately, lean into some stereotypes, as the country of Ukraine knows ). I have already watched Season 2 twice. And honestly my favorite part of this show (despite my crush on Camille Razart and Lily Collins channeling Audrey Hepburn hardcore ) is Ashley Park. This woman has superstar written all over her. She's a bona fide Broadway star, and "Emily in Paris" has served as her pivot into the zeitgeist. "Emily in Paris" is also showcasing her vocal prowess front and center this season, with her covering BTS, "All By Myself," "Sympathtique," and Marilyn Monroe. But the real standout performance is th

Appropriate Holiday Gift Ideas for the Single Lady

While some people may see it as a drag, there are plenty of benefits to being single during the holiday season. During this time of the year, there are tons of parties you can attend that you may not have had the opportunity to if you were in a relationship. There’s also not as much stress on you as a single gal during the holidays because you don’t have to shop for your partner and extended family members or stress over where to eat Christmas dinner. Not everyone sees the bright side of being fancy free during the holidays, and, tragically, they aren't afraid to let us single ladies know. Not only are single women subjected to even more harassment and ridicule during the holiday season, they’re also given the most obnoxious gifts by those who can’t comprehend how anyone can be both happy and single. Whether it’s a self-help book (desperately) trying to reinforce how great is to be single or the gift of a year-long subscription to Match.com , single women are presented with

Give JR a Break

Recently, I've been reading some sites that have criticized James Roday, the lead actor on the USA show PSYCH for an apparent weight gain. But you know what? Who gives a flying fizzle stick if James Roday is slightly larger than he was 4 years ago. Apparently, it wasn't enough to scare away his current girlfriend/ co-star Maggie Lawson. (Who is one hell of a Catch!) And NO they are not engaged. That seems to be nothing more than a rumor, but there is a very high chance of it happening in the near future. Anyway, as long as PSYCH continues to entertain I don't mind about James Roday's waist. He, and Dule Hill, and Corbin Bernson too, can eat all the fried broccoli they want. The last episode of PSYCH wasn't so smashing, but I don't blame it on dietary issues. QATFYG: Are you keeping up with Psych? And who is hotter, James Roday or Maggie Lawson? (Trick Question but idk why) PS: If you have heard any more news on Roday and Lawson becoming Roday-Lawson, send it

The Useless Critic 2.0

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