"My Own Private Idaho:" A Brief, Sleepy Review

Sometimes I read about things at night when I can't sleep (I have occasional insomnia and I'm seriously scared of my own shadow, so there's that). Typically I read about celebrities, because it's the most non-threatening thing to me. Sometimes it's about other things, like historical events or cities I'd like to visit.

And lately, I just go to a snarky message board meant for gay men. I know I am not a gay man and I do not like men, so I'm a little bit of an outlier. Nonetheless I love their snark and their theories that all celebrities are gay or sex addicts. It's been QUITE eye-opening for me. Also: I'm too shy to chime in at all. Plus I know nothing so I just keep to myself.

Anyway, like two weeks ago I read this rather long thread about Keanu Reeves' sexuality. And I was like "!!!!" because I always thought of Neo being straight, but in retrospect he is pretty ambiguous isn't he? Also: DO NOT LOOK AT RECENT PICTURES OF HIM. JUST DON'T. Like the "The Lone Ranger," we will just pretend it NEVER happened.

His best role...ever.

On this thread, or in it or whatever, someone mentioned he may have had a thing with the deceased River Phoenix. And I was like what!!! Shut your dirty whore mouth! But then I was like "I don't know anything about River Phoenix." So I've been reading a lot about the elder Phoenix. I loved "Stand By Me" as a kid, and when my brother told me River was dead, I was in shock because I was like ten and thought HE'S TOO YOUNG TO DIE.

Let me just get to the point here. I decided to watch "My Own Private Idaho." And today I finished it! (I hate watching movies on my computer by myself).

I'm not a Gus Van Sant fan. I don't know why; I'm just not. I used to like him when I was in high school but I think I grew out of that. Like a turtleneck. Also: Did you know this is James Franco's favorite film? Barf barf.

It's a very weird, surreal but touching and haunting film. It's something that sticks around in your mind after watching and can affect your mood. The whole feel of it is detached and dreamy. River's performance is a sensitive tour de force. It hurts to watch him at times. He's like a wounded animal- and reminiscent of James Dean in "Rebel Without a Cause." Keanu? He does an okay job as River's best friend who is also the object of his unrequited, pre-"Brokeback" love. They would have made a super-cute couple, for the record. Probably better (and maybe more believable?) than Keanu and Sandra in "Speed," three years later.

A BUS A BUS

It's also a loose Shakespeare adaptation- which makes sense in some way. Because it's just a weird arty film. It's good and probably requires more than one viewing to digest completely. Plus, it breaks your heart in a beautiful, terrible way.

The worst part of this movie, though, is realizing we lost River way too soon. He was such a gifted actor, and it'd probably be a disservice to his legacy to add him to that cult of celebrity he so loathed, but. A lot of actors come across as cardboard and he didn't.

So, in closing: This was a good movie. It was a little weird and probably NOT for everyone. I am still not a fan of Gus Van Sant or James Franco. And my jury is still out on Keanu Reeves, but whatever man.

The End

Rating: 92/100

Give JR a Break

Recently, I've been reading some sites that have criticized James Roday, the lead actor on the USA show PSYCH for an apparent weight gain. But you know what? Who gives a flying fizzle stick if James Roday is slightly larger than he was 4 years ago. Apparently, it wasn't enough to scare away his current girlfriend/ co-star Maggie Lawson. (Who is one hell of a Catch!) And NO they are not engaged. That seems to be nothing more than a rumor, but there is a very high chance of it happening in the near future. Anyway, as long as PSYCH continues to entertain I don't mind about James Roday's waist. He, and Dule Hill, and Corbin Bernson too, can eat all the fried broccoli they want. The last episode of PSYCH wasn't so smashing, but I don't blame it on dietary issues. QATFYG: Are you keeping up with Psych? And who is hotter, James Roday or Maggie Lawson? (Trick Question but idk why) PS: If you have heard any more news on Roday and Lawson becoming Roday-Lawson, send it

No Time to Fuck: The Goldfrapp Essay

Konnichiwa! This is Irina Cummings and I'm here to discuss one of the most brilliant, innovative, and creative artists in the entire history of mankind: Goldfrapp – or as I like to call them , GODfrapp – the fantastique, highly inspirational, and sometimes criminally overlooked electronic music duo from London consisting of Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory, whose godly music has certainly influenced the vast majority of today's synthpop ladies, including Lady Gaga, Little Boots, La Roux, Annie and Florence + the Machine (not electro but still worth your while). They're primarily known for their mind-blowing music (which have spanned pretty much every style of electronic music – and some non-electronic as well), their abstract, sexually ambiguous – at times forthright – lyrics which are often not gender- specific , and their elaborate shows, not to mention the amazing visual aesthetics of their work, conjuring images that masterly complement

An Open Letter to the Actress: Milena Govich

Dear Milena Govich, Hey, how are you? What is up? Well, I assume you might get 5-7 fan letters a week, but I hope the glitter on my envelope stood out to you. In all seriousness, I have not been the most loyal fan of your filmography, but in the opening credits of the 2006 show, “Conviction,” I got to see you in your underwear. Ever since then, I have been one of your most active online stalkers (not a crime in all states I think). In the next letter, I promise to include an underwear photo for you, so we'll be even. Milena, I remember even back to the days when you worked on one of those other 200 Dick Wolf projects you did...what was the name of that show? “Law and Order.” Yes, that was it. You made history as playing the first female lead detective on the “Law and Order” original franchise for your role as Detective Cassidy. However, I will have to note your performance was strongly tainted when Chevy Chase guest-starred and gave you the nickname, “Detective Sugar-Tits.” At leas

The Useless Critic 2.0

Search This Blog