True Blood: Blue Balls and Red Exes

Episode 5

Fuck the Pain Away

This was one of those episodes that made note-taking really hard. And I mean that as a compliment. I had to pause the episode several times to jot down the influx of crazy stuff happening. This season seems to be flying by. We're at episode five already! Not that I'm complaining; the pacing this season has really taken off.

Sookie—When we last left Miss Stackhouse, she was making out hard core with Ben, aka Warlow, and had a big ball of fae destruction hanging over his head. He get off of her and she’s not having any of his “you’re my intended, I’ve crossed oceans of time to find you blah blah” bullshit. 

YOU GO GURRRL

Sookie accuses him of murdering her parents, but he informs her the only reason he did it was because they were gonna kill her. What the what? So she smacks him with her fae fireball, and he falls to his knees.

Meanwhile, at the same time over at Bill’s place, Jess is high on fae teenager blood and freaking out and kissing Bill, when he gets a strange stirring in his...we’ll go with fangs. He has a flashy vision and leaves Jess all alone in her time of need.

Sookie thinks Warlow is full of shit. He’s a faepire, she can’t trust anything he says. “You just want to fuck me and own me,” she says. And that’s when Bill comes swooping in. Not to save Sookie, mind you (he’s so over all that, remember). No, he’s here for his progeny: Warlow. Cause he’s technically Lilith...sort of. You know what I don’t really care at this point; it’s all too entertaining to care. Billith commands Warlow to come with him.

Apparently Sookie can’t be bothered to go to Bill’s and investigate. But honestly, can we blame her? Instead she stops by Merlotte’s the next morning, looking for Lafayette. After he gets in a good dig about her never showing up for work, she tells him all about the messy business with Bill and Warlow and her parents.

And seeing as how Lala is the only medium in this town at the moment, she asks him to contact her dead parents. She doesn’t know what’s true anymore. She did until vampires “came out of the coffin” (on account of her not being able to read their thoughts).

Later, they set up a séance at her house. Some of the spirits give Lala guff, but he throws them some shade. After a bit of searching through all the other souls, Sookie’s parents finally make an appearance. Lafayette has trouble conveying their message, so Sookie goes into his head. Turns out Warlow was telling the truth, at least as far as them trying to kill her is concerned. Warlow tells Sookie’s parents she’s not strange; she’s just fae. And if he gets his way, she’ll be a faepire, too. So they snatch Sookie up and drive her out to the bridge.

Well I think I’m just as stunned as Sookie. I guess in their own way they thought they were saving her by trying to kill her. While Sookie is dealing with this revelation, the spirit of her father possesses Lala, ties her up and throws her in the trunk of his car.

He takes her down to the river, and despite her pleas, he pushes her head under the water.

Andy—So while all this Sookie/Warlo/Bill business is happening, Andy pulls up to Bill’s mansion. He connected the dots to where his daughters are. Good for him. Jessica watches as he surveys the massacre. He thinks all his daughters are dead until one of them stirs. But none of them are dead, are they? Wouldn’t they dissolve into dust if they were really dead? Or is that only full fae?

Anyhoo, he takes the one almost dead daughter to the station, where he breaks out some V and gives it to her. She shows signs of recovery.

He takes her to Holly’s. “But she’s such a nice vamp,” Holly says when Andy informs her it was Jess that attacked his girls. He gets really pissed—understandably so—and grabs his gun and is about to go back to Bill’s, but Holly stops him. Bill’s a lot stronger and older; it would be suicide.

Bill—When he and Warlow get back to the mansion, Bill commands Warlow to resist the urge to kill him (HAHA), and then draws a blood sample from the faepire.

I don't care if he's evil. ME WANT

We’re also treated to a sexy flashback. A way back flashback, looks like one of the earliest fae clans. Warlow and his wife are happy and all lovey-dovey. 

Their wig and muslin company is a hit, too!

He goes to the river by himself, where he meets a naked lady-friend. I can tell by the merkin it’s Lilith. She’s intrigued by Warlow; he smells different than a human.

She rips his loin cloth off and starts humping him all crazy-like. Then she starts talking about how his kind were destined to save vampire-kind. Blah blah blah more sexing, please!

The flashback continues later, and years have passed. Warlow has been off with Lilith for a while—long enough for his wife to have met someone else, and have a toddler-aged Niall. Warlow returns to the clan, but he doesn’t like what he sees, so he drinks them all to dust. All but Niall.

Bill spills some hoohah about “salvation, greater things, save vampires from extinction,” while Warlow has another flashback to him defying Lilith and burning her alive with sunlight. Oh, and the Japanese scientist may or may not be dead.

Jason—He comes home to find none other than Sara Newlin waiting at his doorstep. See, she’s just come from Burell’s house. After he shipped Willa off to the Camp, Sara tried to make him see how Willa’s the devil and that they should make a new kid right away. But he wasn’t hearing it.

So, horny and pissed off, she finds herself telling Jason that “god wants me to fuck you.” And, boy! Do they ever!

After, when Jason and Sara are basking in holy, Jesus-loving afterglow, there comes a knock at the door. Surprise, it’s Jessica! Still high, and still freaking out. She tells him all about what she did, and that she thinks Bill’s the devil, and that she’s given in to temptation. Jason is genuinely concerned for her, and he confesses he loved her at times.

I love these two together. I really do.

Of course before they can get any further, Sara struts in, spewing her religious dogma. Jess is about to kill her—or fuck her, I can’t really tell which—when Sara rescinds Jess’ invitation.

And the LAVTF are outside waiting for her.

When we last see Jason this episode, he’s leaving Sookie a voicemail and seems to be joining up with the LAVTF. Methinks he’ll be staging a breakout?

Terry & Arlene—So Terry wants one of his old war buddies to kill him. But Arlene knows something’s up.

So that happened.

Werewolves and Shifters—Alcide is on the hunt for Sam. He stops by a cruddy werewolf bar, “The Unfriendly Possum,” looking for leads. All he finds is Jenny the werehooker, a bunch of country wolves, and his drunk dad, who wonders why he’s so hellbent on finding Sam. Is it for you, or for your girl? That being punching talk, Alcide punches his dad and throws some money at him. I wonder who he meant, though. Ricky or Danielle?

Elsewhere, Sam and Nicole have an awkward morning after. She tries to call her family on a bizarre invention known as a “phone booth” but Sam stops her. The last thing they need is to worry about her family getting killed by weres.

And from his motel room across the way, Alcide’s dad sees all. Until he’s called back inside by Jenny the werehooker.

Couldn't find any decent pics of these scenes. Here's shirtless Sam.

Vamp Camp—All the other vamps (Eric, Tara, Pam, and now Jess) have since been rounded up by the LAVTF.

Pam get walked through some experiment room (fang removal, copulation research, etc) before getting sent to therapy. No, really. At first, Pam is, well, Pam. But the incentive of fresh lady-blood helps.

She and the shrink talk about the insignificance of life, nesting habits, the lack of remorse when killing, the pain of being released by her maker, and pain. How humans “love your pain as a virtue” because human life is “pathetically brief” and that “pain is worthless.” It’s a fantastic monologue.

Jess and Tara meet up in general population. Jess thinks they’re in hell, and of course she’s still high. If you drained four fae girls, you would be, too. Tara tries to calm her down.

When food time comes, Jess refuses her blood. This causes the nearby vamp ladies to bear their fangs. Some kind of vamp posturing, maybe? Taking Jess’ refusal of blood as weakness? In any event, one of the other vamps helps them out. Now they “owe” her, apparently. Bitch, you do not know who you are messing with.

Tara sees Willa for a second as she’s put in her “VIP” cell. Complete with a, bed, a sink and a requisite douchey prison guard. “Scratch my back, lick my balls,” is a thing that he says. To her. Oh, I can’t wait for his comeuppance.

But what about Eric? Patience, I’m getting there. Seems like Sara has a surprise for Burell. She ushers him into an observation room with her and her ex, the gay vampire Steve. Turns out Steve has been singing like a canary. About vampires in general and Eric in particular.

Eric is put into a white room, with Burell, Sara, and Steve watching. Burell chats with him briefly, and Eric actually seems surprised when the governor informs him that he had no qualms about imprisoning his own daughter in the Camp.

But wait! There’s more! Another door opens into the white room, revealing a wooden stake. And yet another door opens, and there’s Pam, with her own stake in hand.

“Fucking fight!” Sara screams into the intercom.

As much as I'd love to see a Pam vs Eric throwdown, I doubt it will happen. Can't wait for next week, though. And I never thought I'd say that after last season, where every episode felt like a chore. See you next week!