True Blood: Get Your Head On Hetero-Straight

Episode 6

Don't You Feel Me

Sookie—So Sookie’s just minding her own business, getting drowned by Lafayette who’s been possessed by the spirit of her dead father, when Bill senses she’s in danger and says “Soookehh.” Then faepire Warlow swoops in and saves her. I fucking love this show.

Warlow zaps Lala with fae light and sucks the spirit of father Stackhouse out of him. Sookie asks Lala if her dad’s spirit is still around and he says yes. And then she tells her ghost dad to fuck off. And ghost dad is all “fine, I didn’t want to save your eternal soul/drown you, anyway.”

After they fill Lafayette in on the whole fae vampire shenanigans, Bill summons Warlow on his blood puking phone—remember, he’s still technically Bill’s progeny and prisoner. But Sookie’s all “not so fast” and she teleports herself and Warlow to faerie land.

You remember the place from earlier seasons, where Claudette was trying to seduce Sookie into joining in the Frederick’s of Hollywood renaissance faire. It’s all soft lighting and flowers and twinkly lights.

Wheeee let's frolic like morons!

Sookie wants to know more about him, but Warlow wants her to tie him up first. Since it will be “dark” soon, or some nonsense. And he hasn’t fed. On blood. Cause he’s a faepire. So Sookie ties him up against an old statue and...seals the ropes with fae light? Really?

I guess at this point I shouldn’t really be surprised about the multiple uses of faerie light. What can’t it do?

Warlow laments the fact that Sookie knows the truth about how her parents were total dicks. Best to keep all that childhood trauma under wraps. Then Warlow’s fangs pop out and Sookie gives him a look that either means “ewww gross” or “good god yes.”

They chat about how old Warlow is (really really old). Sookie still thinks it’s creepy he wrote up a document claiming her as his. Then he rambles on about arranged marriages being the norm in the old days and did he mention how much he hates Lilith? Oh, and if she decides to be his, they’d need no one else. They’d be, like, a total faepire power couple. But it’s the “pire” part of that horrible mashup I’m using Sookie’s not keen on.

But, you know, she doesn’t have as much of a problem with it than you’d think. She tells Warlow that the whole town thinks she’s a “danger whore.” That she’s attracted to danger, and her feeling for him aren’t going away; it’s become a pattern. A pattern she’s keen to accept and continue. And all I’m wondering is how does Sookie know the town thinks she’s a “danger whore” if she can’t even be bothered to go to work?!

Anyway, Sookie realizes Warlow needs to feed (“I might be a whore, but I’m not stupid.”) and offers her neck. He feeds, she bites his neck, she takes his pants off. 

Yowza.

She strips down to her boots and humps the living daylights out of him. Literally, I think. It’s very bright and glowy and humpy. And say what you will, but at least they’re not sparkling.

Bill—After Warlow disappears with Sookie to faerie fuckland, he also realizes Jess is missing. And what did he do with the dead faerie teens?

But that question is silly. The real question is why Lilith isn’t answering any of Bill’s sexts? And the only way to find out is to charm the Japanese scientist guy into putting him into a coma by draining Bill’s blood. Yes, why bother with investigating or asking someone that doesn’t have three blood-soaked naked ladies as receptionists.

All Bill learns from his vision with Lilith is that they’re both disappointed in each other, and that Lilith is a huge bitch. What else does she have to do all day in that empty forest? I mean besides crochet new merkins.

When Bill wakes from his coma, it’s a good thing Dr Takahashi has the news on. In a moment of pure coincidence (I’m sure), Bill listens to a statement made by Burell about his partnership with Tru Blood. Seems as if distribution will start soon, and at a discount!

Finally Lilith’s prophecy about the tyrant and the savior makes sense—to Bill, anyway. He grabs the vial of Warlow’s blood and chugs it. After locking Takahashi up, Bill takes a stroll outside in the daylight. And unlike last time he tried (which was awesome, by the way), he doesn’t burst into flames. And he takes off for places unknown...Okay not really, he’s heading for the Vamp Camp.

But before we head there, too, let’s get this other business out of the way.

Sam & Alcide—Nicole is bitching to Sam about...you know what, I don’t really care. Rip this girl’s throat out for all I care. They realize they can’t run away with Emma in tow. She’ll only slow them down, or something.

Elsewhere, Alcide stops by his dad’s motel room. After saying hello to Werehooker Jenny, Jackson (that’s Alcide’s dad’s name, which I had to imdb) tells him that Sam and Nicole are in the same motel complex.

Alcide breaks into their room, but they’re already gone. Jackson tries to talk sense to his son, but it’s not happening. Then they both sniff Sam’s sheets. I don’t know, if I was in their position, I probably would, too...what’s that? It’s to get his scent? Well, that’s totally what I meant...

After Sam and Nicole dump Emma with grandma Martha—and it’s a touching goodbye, I’m not a monster—Alcide finds Sam and tells him to GTFO of the state. And Sam’s way too agreeable. He’s not going anywhere.

Here's Sam and Rutina being silly at Comic Con.

Andy & Arlene & Terry—Andy’s lone scene this episode is when he gives his only remaining daughter, #4, a name. He decides on Adelaine Braylin Charlene Danica. Easy to remember, right?

Meanwhile, Terry pays Lafayette a visit, and totally interrupts Lala’s crafting and smoking time. 

He gives Lala a key to a safety deposit box. Lala thinks Terry’s acting weird, even for Terry, so he gives Arlene a call.

Arlene wonders if Terry is contemplating suicide, since it seems like he’s tying up loose ends. She talks to Holly about Terry and his demons (figurative ones, this time around) and how she’s at a loss as to what to do about it.

Holly suggests having a vampire glamour him into forgetting. She calls up her son’s friend’s father’s husband (something like that. I can’t be bothered to watch it again) Matt, who just happens to be of the bloodsucking variety.

Matt comes over and helps Arlene reset Terry’s brain. Only, she makes him forget everything about his military, about the war. All he needs to know he’s a loving father and cook. This screams “problematic.” In that there’s a hitman out there waiting to get him.

The next day, everything is hunky-dory; Terry is loving his job at Merlotte’s, he loves Arlene, and boy doesn’t everything seem to be coming up roses? Until Terry goes to take out the trash, in one of the shows most telegraphed sequences.

I just didn’t expect them to kill Terry.

Because his war buddy is a crap shot, he shoots Terry through the neck. This does give Arlene time to sit with him as he bleeds out on the ground. But I think I was in such disbelief, his death didn’t affect me the way I thought it should.

Farewell, Terry. Out of all the secondary characters, you were one of the least annoying. Not your fault you got handed some shit storylines.

Vamp Camp—Pam and Eric were about to stake each other last episode. But not really. They instead kill some guards, and Eric finds out that it was Steve Newlin that’s been giving info on them to the Camp. It also turns out Burell has other plans for Eric.

Now that's some satisfying penetration.

Meanwhile, Jason aces his recruitment exam by being super-racist about vamps. He’s fastracked to the Camp, where he tells stories about his time murdering vamps at the Authority. Sara shows up to throw a kink into things, however. And since it’s Jason, he reveals the reason why he’s here at all: Jessica. He sort of blackmails her with her crazy sexy whatever. All I remember is Sara giving Jason serious sex-eyes.

But Sara figures if she can’t fuck or kill Jason, she can have some fun torturing him. As a “rookie test” she makes him sit and watch a vampire copulation study. We’re introduced to a cute vamp named James, and guess who his unwilling partner is? If you guessed Jessica, congrats, you win nothing.

Jess and James are both not in the mood, so Sara has them zap James with UV rays until they comply. He refuses to rape her—to which I thought, I’d like to see you try—but Jess just wants to get it over and done with. But Sara has Jess escorted out before they can do the deed.

Elsewhere, our “tall, blond, whooping crane,” Eric, is all chained up. Burell is excited to kill him, but not before he suffers. They roll Nora in on a stretcher, and she actually hisses at Burell! The governor has his creepy scientist guy inject her with a pure strain of hep-v, which hasn’t been mentioned since season one, I think. All I recall is that it’s deadly to vamps. The humans leave them to suffer together.

Burell’s a busy guy this episode. He checks in on Willa, who wants put into general population. At first he refuses, but she makes a convincing argument by calling him a “pussywhipped motherfucker.” And just like that, I sort of like Willa now.

She and Tara are chatting and playing Connect 4, when Willa feels Eric summon her. Tara gives her the sage advice of seducing that creepy guard, ripping his contacts out, and glamouring him.

Just as Nora is ready to give up, Willa and the guard show up, knock out and kill the one scientist lady, and make their escape. Sort of. Nora’s slowly dying, and they still have to find Pam—and Tara and Jess, to a lesser extent as far as Eric’s concerned.

In their attempt to escape, they come upon the Tru Blood bottling plant—conveniently located on-site. Eric notices they’re contaminating all of it with hep-v.

Around this same time—I’ve since stopped trying to keep track—Burell is outside in the daylight, reading some scripture, when who should show up but Bill. He takes a lot of bullets, but shows no sign of stopping. 

He executes Burell’s men, and questions the governor about his deadly plans. When Burell refuses and makes some weak hydra metaphor, Bill chomps down on his neck, and rips his head right off.

Well, I have to say, I think that shortening this season to ten episodes has helped keep the frantic pace going. Very excited to see what the next four episodes have in store.