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I Have Good Moments, Bad Moments and Then, No Moments.

A More Personal Reflection

(Bear with Me)

This past month has been the worse month of my life so far. I have had a nervous breakdown back in 2011. I remember sitting in the Megabus and feeling like things could not get worse. And for a while, they were okay. There were bad times scattered in between. But then they got great! And then they were good.

Things got a little shaky for me in March. Then I witnessed a string of bad events happening to my friends and family members, wondering what the hell was going on with the world. I am too sensitive; I take other people's pain like it's my own. It's a good quality in theory but it can get you down quite easily. The first person I was ever seriously in love with said "You need a filter. You can't feel things this intensely." I was like BULLSHIT but she had a point. Obviously, because here I am four years later remembering that conversation.

My Dad's health started failing in July more than before, and by August we gathered it was a matter of time before he would go. My Mom was insistent I come home, but I was nervous because of all those things regarding work and travel. It's a long trip from Phoenix to Erie. But then he got VERY ill and I had no choice...at this time though, I was informed "You stay in Phoenix until we hear something else" because he could have lingered on for weeks.

Dad didn't linger; I said my goodbyes on the gophone I have in the parking lot of work. I didn't have any clue what to say besides "I love you and I am sorry." That's what I kept saying. I walked in a circle afterward. My coworker saw me and gave me a hug. I wanted to be with my family so badly. The next morning; Dad was gone.

That day I spent in shock and feeling sick. I've been feeling sick on and off since this all happened. More so now, which I will get to later. I had promised myself after my Grandma's death I wouldn't miss another one. Albeit, I know this isn't a rational thing to beat myself up over and I know my Dad understood my situation better than anyone else, but it's something that will probably bother me for the remainder of my life. The whole day I felt numb. My girlfriend came over early and was extremely kind about everything, but I felt numb. And any rays of normalcy felt weird, like I was betraying him or making light of the situation. Things like that.

The trip home was good for what it was, but also rather surreal. The whole thing about five core people in my life was now down to four and I felt a sense of urgency to absorb every moment with my Mom and siblings that I could. The funeral and viewing were completely surreal. They did not feel like they should be happening. I cried a few times, but never like I thought I would. I broke down in my apartment with my girlfriend more than I did at home, but there were a few times where I ran up to my Dad at the viewing, grabbed his arm and said "There are a lot of people here." It was mostly because I was uncomfortable and I felt on some level he was around me, and understood I was uncomfortable. But looking at him was not looking at him. In my mind, the last image I have is from December, when he walked out of the bus station to wave goodbye at me.

I felt a lot of weird feelings when I returned home to Phoenix. I was happy to see my girlfriend and the pigs, but the weird feeling remained. And I knew that the death wouldn't hit me until I was on my own again, doing my thing in the bigger world. Which is what happened. My girlfriend picked me up from the airport and I was so happy to see her again, but I had this feeling like I was in a glass box and the noise going on in my head was louder than I could comprehend. Plus, there was this weirdness: No matter where I was, I was a stranger. Things had changed drastically in my two homes, and in no way did I feel okay.

A few days after I came back to Phoenix, I broke up with my girlfriend. She had valid reasons for doing what she did, but I was (and am) beyond vulnerable. When she left, I felt empty, gone, done. It's a cliche, but I felt desolation in every part of me. I reacted poorly. I try to walk the high road when I can, but this time I just laid out things I shouldn't have laid out. She didn't deserve that. She's an incredible girl. Neither of us deserved what happened, but the fact remains that I lost her.

So the past week, in addition to neglecting this blog, I've been falling back on old habits. I smoked about three packs (!!!) this past week. I have no appetite really, which is starting to alarm me (I have had two burritos this week I was unable to finish). I cry way too easily. I had a fantastic weekend in San Diego with one of my best old friends, but there was this girl at a bar we went to who was going on about her engagement to her girlfriend. I lost my shit. In the line waiting to get in this bar, I just began sobbing. This is embarrassing in every possible way. I think I may have brought my friend down to my sad level, which wasn't my intention but happy couples just make me angry these days.

Then, I went to this basilica this morning, the Mission San Diego. It was gorgeous and peaceful, and I felt close to God in a way I haven't in years. However, there's a place where this martyr is buried (a padre I believe who was killed by the AZ Native Americans). I thought about how that is now like my Dad- he belongs to the ages and not to me anymore, or my family - and it made me quite sad. There's this certain division before the living and the dead that permeates our time on the planet. And our culture dislikes mentioning the fact we all eventually die, so naturally a lot of people (myself included) are uncomfortable with it. But the fact remains it's inevitable. So I thought a lot about that. And one day I will too belong to that other side, but because I'm relatively young I still feel like this is a far way away (this is a dumb line of thinking and I totally acknowledge that).

So the point of this post is to let you know that I am around, but I am hurting a lot and trying to get back on my own two feet again. I hope in time I can get used to the fact I am so far gone from two people who were once near and dear to me, but I doubt it's going to be tomorrow, the next day or the day after that. I have good friends and I am dedicated to remaining close with my three other nuclear family members, but it's hard for me not to get lost in my thoughts. Believe me, I'm working on rectifying this. I prefer being a goofball to a downer, and I refuse to let this string of sadness tamper with this site too much. And yes, this year has been quite the test on my patience for this site as well. But I'm hanging in there because it makes me happy and I feel like it must matter to someone else. 

In something more positive for the time being (in some vein anyway), Seamus Heaney died, but he left a remarkable legacy behind him. I highly recommend you take "Don't be Afraid" to heart.

Love,

Britt

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