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What My Facebook Movie Should Have Been Like (Ahem)

I got Facebook back in 2006. There are few pictures on Facebook in 2006. What they had to give me were celebrity pictures my friends and I apprehended for giggles (teeheehee.) Oh, and one memorable librarian (which got my 18-year-old self in trouble, lolz.)

My Facebook movie was cute. Most of the updates were from the past year ("Hey everyone, I'm not dead!" "YAY, YOU'RE NOT DEAD!")

I couldn't help but be a LITTLE disappointed. So, summoning my inner Peter Jackson, here is what that movie should have been like:

2006: Break up with Scarlett Johansson



Years later, in interview after stepping down as the Oxfam ambassador: "You know, sometimes I wonder about the poor decisions I've made. And I haven't made a lot because I'm nearly perfect, but like marrying Ryan Reynolds letting Britt get away was just a big mistake. I cry about it a lot."

(like)

2007: Break stuff with Britney Spears


Britney said: "Britt made me shave my head. She was like 'oh, you don't need hair! Being a gargoyle is so in right now!' BITCH I HATE HER."

(dislike)

2008: Campaigned heavily on behalf of Barack Obama


"I don't know who this girl is." Change we can believe in.

(neutral)

2009: Was adopted by the Jolie-Pitts.


Was soon given back.

(...like?)

2010: Graduated from college; mentored Meryl Streep.


"I was so lost."

(like)

2011: Lived In Brooklyn; joined Vampire Weekend briefly. I would have played the banjo.


Jealousy forced me out.

(dislike :( )


2012: Ghostwrote book as J.K. Rowling.


I admitted Hagrid and Hermione should have ended up together. She got pissed. I said "Yolo" and showed her some well-written smut fanfiction. Now, we don't speak.

(dislike)

2013: Won Nobel Prize.


For being a sedentary creature. It came down to me and an old man from Washington.

(LIKE)

Well a decade of Facebook is almost too much, but whatever. Also, Clay Aiken is running for Congress.












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