"Slow Clap" - Gwen Stefani

As most of you know, I've been extremely skeptical of Gwen Stefani's solo career the past several years. And the skepticism has only increased as time has gone on. I like to think Blake Shelton was the final kiss of death, but I will say her last album did have some surprisingly awesome cuts. And "Let Me Reintroduce Myself" is a grower, and the music video is truly endearing. 

HOWEVER. Gwen's second single off her yet untitled upcoming album …. woof. It's called "Slow Clap" and it's meant to be a story of resilience. Maybe? Possibly?

I don't know what to tell you about "Slow Clap." We all know that "the clap" is slang for a not-very-pleasant STI, and it seems like that's the closest thing Gwen achieves here. Even having "the clap" is infinitely more preferable than hearing this abomination of a song ever again. This isn't me trying to overexaggerate here. I have only been able to stomach listening to this song once. And I'm pretty open-minded - I LISTENED TO HER CHRISTMAS ALBUM, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME.

Honestly, this song sounds like it was rejected from a children's TV show soundtrack. Or maybe The Wiggles passed on it. I don't know. Gwen is capable of more fun songs than this, and this is ... well, something else, entirely. All last week, I had this weird mash-up of "Los Ageless" and "The Bananas in Pajamas" theme song in my head. I would listen to that ungodly mash-up before I ever decided to willingly listen to "Slow Clap" ever again.

I will say - not to be just purely negative here - that Gwen has some moments on this song where she almost reaches mediocrity. And, at the very least, I guess she really is embracing some of her weirdness, which is refreshing to see. But still. Let's hope the rest of the upcoming solo album is not like this. I will almost take another Blake Shelton duet over a song like this.

Almost.