My Life With Rihanna

Guys, I've been hiding a secret from you. It's been painful and it's been hard, but I've decided to come clean. Clean as the day I was born. Just kidding, that was a messy, painful and gross day. I don't remember it for many reasons, but have been told I slipped out of my mom like a slick poop.

Here is my confession. Bless me father, for I have sinned. And this one's pretty bad.

I've been dating Rihanna.

Yeah, I know you heard SOMETHING about Kutcher

and then SOMETHING about Chris Brown again

THOSE DUDES ARE JUST COVERS. OUR LOVE IS REAL. ETERNAL. GLORIOUS. WILL NEVER DIE.

I hired this dude to sing for her. And jump out of a cake.

So what has it been like? A whirlwind, surely. One moment we're antiquing, the next moment she's tonguing me in a Chevy in a parking lot demanding I wear a dog collar. Yeah, I wear dog collars a lot. It's cool.

Here's a sample of our conversations:

me: so do you want to like, get take out and watch a movie? I hear Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is decent.

Rihanna: no

me: oh, RiRi. are you on your period again?

Rihanna: YES WE SYNCED UP YOU LOSER.

me: I guess we're going to be having a lot of freaky, unchristian sex tonight.

Rihanna: KOREAN BBQ

Sometimes I have to pee on her and stuff, but I mean like. Come on, that's life.

In love, we make sacrifices.

Also: I am not sitting outside listening to the Barenaked Ladies right now. This is not happening.

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