Skip to main content

My Life With Rihanna

Guys, I've been hiding a secret from you. It's been painful and it's been hard, but I've decided to come clean. Clean as the day I was born. Just kidding, that was a messy, painful and gross day. I don't remember it for many reasons, but have been told I slipped out of my mom like a slick poop. 


Here is my confession. Bless me father, for I have sinned. And this one's pretty bad.




I've been dating Rihanna.

Yeah, I know you heard SOMETHING about Kutcher
and then SOMETHING about Chris Brown again
THOSE DUDES ARE JUST COVERS. OUR LOVE IS REAL. ETERNAL. GLORIOUS. WILL NEVER DIE.


I hired this dude to sing for her. And jump out of a cake.

So what has it been like? A whirlwind, surely. One moment we're antiquing, the next moment she's tonguing me in a Chevy in a parking lot demanding I wear a dog collar. Yeah, I wear dog collars a lot. It's cool.

Here's a sample of our conversations:

me:  so do you want to like, get take out and watch a movie? I hear Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is decent.
Rihanna:  no
me:  oh, RiRi. are you on your period again?
Rihanna:  YES WE SYNCED UP YOU LOSER. 
me:  I guess we're going to be having a lot of freaky, unchristian sex tonight.
Rihanna:  KOREAN BBQ

Sometimes I have to pee on her and stuff, but I mean like. Come on, that's life. 


In love, we make sacrifices.

Also:  I am not sitting outside listening to the Barenaked Ladies right now. This is not happening.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

3 New Lana Songs Come Out From Upcoming Album "Blue Banisters"

Not even that far off from "Chemtrails Over The Country Club" being released this past March, Lana Del Rey dropped three new singles off her upcoming project, "Blue Banisters." They include the title track, "Text Book," and "Wildflower Wildfire." All three songs seem to merge the worlds of "COCC" with "Norman Fucking Rockwell," specifically Lana's mouthful of a track "Hope is a Dangerous Thing for a Woman Like Me To Have But I Have It." They also seem uncharacteristically more confessional than most of Lana's catalog to date, specifically "Wildflower Wildfire," which alludes to a conflict with her mother. She even starts the track with "Here's the deal," readying to show more of her backstory than she ever has in her decade-plus-long career. The three songs are gorgeous - especially "Text Book," which has a haunting quality to it (she mentions "Black Lives Matter" i

"Anchors" - AM Higgins

Here's a nice breezy, almost sensual song from AM Higgins (the solo project of musician Annie Toth) to start your Tuesday off right.  Her debut album "Hymning" will be out November 5th on Victorialand Records. The album was mixed by Casey Foubert, a frequent collaborator of Sufjan Stevens. The album "captures the first years of moving from an American city to rural France." Sounds like "Hymning" will be a welcome escape from the world we live in right now, especially considering that Annie Toth counts poets Mary Oliver and Thomas Merton as influences.

You Need to Hear This: Concrete Castles

I first heard of First to Eleven a few years ago thanks to the powers of social media. They are a talented young band straight out of my hometown (Erie, PA). Since I've first heard of them, First To Eleven - which primarily were a social media-based cover band - has revealed an original music incarnation, Concrete Castles.  No matter if they're covering songs or releasing their own music, one thing is evident: Concrete Castles is MASSIVELY talented. Anchored by Audra Miller's powerhouse vocals that are vaguely reminiscent of Hayley Williams, Concrete Castles demand your attention. Although they can fall in that sort of amorphous "indie pop" umbrella, I don't think their sound would be amiss on mainstream radio - top 40 or alternative.  "Wish I Missed U" - their debut album - came out earlier this September, and it's an enjoyable, invigorating listen that would probably make those who were raised on emo or fans of CHVRCHES feel at home. Hell, Anth