Skip to main content

My Life With Rihanna

Guys, I've been hiding a secret from you. It's been painful and it's been hard, but I've decided to come clean. Clean as the day I was born. Just kidding, that was a messy, painful and gross day. I don't remember it for many reasons, but have been told I slipped out of my mom like a slick poop. 


Here is my confession. Bless me father, for I have sinned. And this one's pretty bad.




I've been dating Rihanna.

Yeah, I know you heard SOMETHING about Kutcher
and then SOMETHING about Chris Brown again
THOSE DUDES ARE JUST COVERS. OUR LOVE IS REAL. ETERNAL. GLORIOUS. WILL NEVER DIE.


I hired this dude to sing for her. And jump out of a cake.

So what has it been like? A whirlwind, surely. One moment we're antiquing, the next moment she's tonguing me in a Chevy in a parking lot demanding I wear a dog collar. Yeah, I wear dog collars a lot. It's cool.

Here's a sample of our conversations:

me:  so do you want to like, get take out and watch a movie? I hear Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is decent.
Rihanna:  no
me:  oh, RiRi. are you on your period again?
Rihanna:  YES WE SYNCED UP YOU LOSER. 
me:  I guess we're going to be having a lot of freaky, unchristian sex tonight.
Rihanna:  KOREAN BBQ

Sometimes I have to pee on her and stuff, but I mean like. Come on, that's life. 


In love, we make sacrifices.

Also:  I am not sitting outside listening to the Barenaked Ladies right now. This is not happening.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Give JR a Break

Recently, I've been reading some sites that have criticized James Roday, the lead actor on the USA show PSYCH for an apparent weight gain. But you know what? Who gives a flying fizzle stick if James Roday is slightly larger than he was 4 years ago. Apparently, it wasn't enough to scare away his current girlfriend/ co-star Maggie Lawson. (Who is one hell of a Catch!) And NO they are not engaged. That seems to be nothing more than a rumor, but there is a very high chance of it happening in the near future. Anyway, as long as PSYCH continues to entertain I don't mind about James Roday's waist. He, and Dule Hill, and Corbin Bernson too, can eat all the fried broccoli they want. The last episode of PSYCH wasn't so smashing, but I don't blame it on dietary issues. QATFYG: Are you keeping up with Psych? And who is hotter, James Roday or Maggie Lawson? (Trick Question but idk why) PS: If you have heard any more news on Roday and Lawson becoming Roday-Lawson, send it...

No Time to Fuck: The Goldfrapp Essay

Konnichiwa! This is Irina Cummings and I'm here to discuss one of the most brilliant, innovative, and creative artists in the entire history of mankind: Goldfrapp – or as I like to call them , GODfrapp – the fantastique, highly inspirational, and sometimes criminally overlooked electronic music duo from London consisting of Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory, whose godly music has certainly influenced the vast majority of today's synthpop ladies, including Lady Gaga, Little Boots, La Roux, Annie and Florence + the Machine (not electro but still worth your while). They're primarily known for their mind-blowing music (which have spanned pretty much every style of electronic music – and some non-electronic as well), their abstract, sexually ambiguous – at times forthright – lyrics which are often not gender- specific , and their elaborate shows, not to mention the amazing visual aesthetics of their work, conjuring images that masterly complement ...

Flashback Friday: Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

Since I was unable to post this week's TBT yesterday, I decided to make up for it with a Flashback Friday today. But instead of posting about music, I'll be paying tribute to an awesome TV show that was gone too soon: Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 . Exactly two weeks ago (yes, I'm often late due to my eminent laziness), on April 11, the pilot episode turned two years old. In the opening scene, June (Dreama Walker) comes home to find her new roommate, Chloe (the amazing Krysten Ritter), having sex with her fiancé on her birthday cake as " Infinity Guitars " by Sleigh Bells plays in the background. Classy And that was just one of many crazy, unexpected things that happened throughout the show. For instance, Chloe tried to set June up with her father (a fact initially unbeknownst to June) just so he would cheat on her mother, who happens to be in a wheelchair. The list goes on, but I don't want to spoil the fun for those who haven't...