Skip to main content

My Life With Rihanna

Guys, I've been hiding a secret from you. It's been painful and it's been hard, but I've decided to come clean. Clean as the day I was born. Just kidding, that was a messy, painful and gross day. I don't remember it for many reasons, but have been told I slipped out of my mom like a slick poop. 


Here is my confession. Bless me father, for I have sinned. And this one's pretty bad.




I've been dating Rihanna.

Yeah, I know you heard SOMETHING about Kutcher
and then SOMETHING about Chris Brown again
THOSE DUDES ARE JUST COVERS. OUR LOVE IS REAL. ETERNAL. GLORIOUS. WILL NEVER DIE.


I hired this dude to sing for her. And jump out of a cake.

So what has it been like? A whirlwind, surely. One moment we're antiquing, the next moment she's tonguing me in a Chevy in a parking lot demanding I wear a dog collar. Yeah, I wear dog collars a lot. It's cool.

Here's a sample of our conversations:

me:  so do you want to like, get take out and watch a movie? I hear Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is decent.
Rihanna:  no
me:  oh, RiRi. are you on your period again?
Rihanna:  YES WE SYNCED UP YOU LOSER. 
me:  I guess we're going to be having a lot of freaky, unchristian sex tonight.
Rihanna:  KOREAN BBQ

Sometimes I have to pee on her and stuff, but I mean like. Come on, that's life. 


In love, we make sacrifices.

Also:  I am not sitting outside listening to the Barenaked Ladies right now. This is not happening.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Give JR a Break

Recently, I've been reading some sites that have criticized James Roday, the lead actor on the USA show PSYCH for an apparent weight gain. But you know what? Who gives a flying fizzle stick if James Roday is slightly larger than he was 4 years ago. Apparently, it wasn't enough to scare away his current girlfriend/ co-star Maggie Lawson. (Who is one hell of a Catch!) And NO they are not engaged. That seems to be nothing more than a rumor, but there is a very high chance of it happening in the near future. Anyway, as long as PSYCH continues to entertain I don't mind about James Roday's waist. He, and Dule Hill, and Corbin Bernson too, can eat all the fried broccoli they want. The last episode of PSYCH wasn't so smashing, but I don't blame it on dietary issues. QATFYG: Are you keeping up with Psych? And who is hotter, James Roday or Maggie Lawson? (Trick Question but idk why) PS: If you have heard any more news on Roday and Lawson becoming Roday-Lawson, send it...

No Time to Fuck: The Goldfrapp Essay

Konnichiwa! This is Irina Cummings and I'm here to discuss one of the most brilliant, innovative, and creative artists in the entire history of mankind: Goldfrapp – or as I like to call them , GODfrapp – the fantastique, highly inspirational, and sometimes criminally overlooked electronic music duo from London consisting of Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory, whose godly music has certainly influenced the vast majority of today's synthpop ladies, including Lady Gaga, Little Boots, La Roux, Annie and Florence + the Machine (not electro but still worth your while). They're primarily known for their mind-blowing music (which have spanned pretty much every style of electronic music – and some non-electronic as well), their abstract, sexually ambiguous – at times forthright – lyrics which are often not gender- specific , and their elaborate shows, not to mention the amazing visual aesthetics of their work, conjuring images that masterly complement ...

Spotlight/Shoutout: OG Mudbone (One Year of S/S)

!!!ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!! Can you believe it's been a year already since Spotlight/Shoutout started off on the third Thursday of August? The first ever s/s went to Kyle MacLachlan, and then the spotlight was stolen by OG Mudbone...........the funniest man on earth according to some Youtube videos. For those of you who do not know, OG is an FOC "Freak of Co*k" adult film actor. And yes, I censored the C word, just in case the word cock offends anyone. OG Mudbone takes the 1 year prize because he's enormous (and he shoots and scores), and it doesn't matter if his adult entertainment masterworks are real or fake. His foul mouth is more exciting than many. Seriously, get some google images. height="385"> In other news, Spotlight/Shoutout has had some great ups this year. I hope there are many more to come, and indeed there will be. QATFYG: If anyone has seen his films, can you still drink soymilk? I can't! Happy 1 year!! s/s