True Blood Season 5: The Prequel

So, it’s summer, and that means it’s time for another season of everyone’s favorite campy, sexy, violent show. No, not Jersey Shore, you assholes. I may be shameless, but I have standards, as low as they are.

I’ve been watching True Blood since it debuted back in 2008, and fortunately I haven’t gotten to the point where I’m just watching it to watch it (hello, Supernatural!). Last season sure did try my patience. Even though I liked the vampire politics and the crazy necromancer witch villain, a lot of the other stories fell flat. Tara became a lesbian (or bisexual? I don’t think it’s ever clarified) cage fighter in an attempt to make her character more interesting. (Spoiler! It didn’t work.) And storylines that I think could have been fruitful were cut short, such as Sam and Tommy’s combative relationship. And Lafayette getting possessed every five seconds was exhausting. While I’m also sure Sookie's trip to fairyland was necessary to a degree, I found myself rolling my eyes at a lot of it (and seeing how this is an over-the-top show all about crazy supernatural creatures, that’s saying something).

Needless to say I have high expectations going into this season. Judging from the trailers, the vampire world is the focal point once more, which has always been the show’s strength. And Christoper Meloni as the head of the Vampire Authority? YES PLEASE

Sexy cast...or the sexiest cast?

Here is a rundown of my current feelings toward the characters allegedly present in season 5:

Characters I love: Sookie, Eric, Pam, Bill, Jessica (Huh, almost exclusively vampires. Coincidence?)

Character I love but I’m not really sure why: Sam (I find him ridiculously sexy, so there’s that.)

Ladies and gentlemen into rugged men, I give you Exhibit A.

I was going to caption this, but I had to...take care of something. In my pants.

Characters I’m indifferent to: Terry + Arlene, Hoyt, Andy, Alcide (I want to like Mr. Werewolf, but as of right now, he’s just a pretty face/ass.)

Characters I liked at first but now I find annoying: Lafayette, Jason (I hope both of them have storylines this season that do them justice.)

Characters I want to go away forever: Tara, Crystal (Both of these girls are insufferable to various degrees.)

Character played by Christoper Meloni that I'll probably masturbate to: Roman

HELLO DADDY

So there you have a mini rundown of my expectations of this year's True Blood. But what about you? Is there anything you're hoping for this season? Leave us a comment or five! I'll be back Monday with my full report on the season premiere!

"Mon Soleil" - Ashley Park

If there's anything people take away from my piss-poor legacy, I hope it's what a huge, unabashed fan of "Emily in Paris" I am and will continue to be. People love "90 Day Fiancee," "The Bachelor," and other garbage - allow me "Emily," which is at least harmless, kind of goofy fluff (which does, unfortunately, lean into some stereotypes, as the country of Ukraine knows ). I have already watched Season 2 twice. And honestly my favorite part of this show (despite my crush on Camille Razart and Lily Collins channeling Audrey Hepburn hardcore ) is Ashley Park. This woman has superstar written all over her. She's a bona fide Broadway star, and "Emily in Paris" has served as her pivot into the zeitgeist. "Emily in Paris" is also showcasing her vocal prowess front and center this season, with her covering BTS, "All By Myself," "Sympathtique," and Marilyn Monroe. But the real standout performance is th

Appropriate Holiday Gift Ideas for the Single Lady

While some people may see it as a drag, there are plenty of benefits to being single during the holiday season. During this time of the year, there are tons of parties you can attend that you may not have had the opportunity to if you were in a relationship. There’s also not as much stress on you as a single gal during the holidays because you don’t have to shop for your partner and extended family members or stress over where to eat Christmas dinner. Not everyone sees the bright side of being fancy free during the holidays, and, tragically, they aren't afraid to let us single ladies know. Not only are single women subjected to even more harassment and ridicule during the holiday season, they’re also given the most obnoxious gifts by those who can’t comprehend how anyone can be both happy and single. Whether it’s a self-help book (desperately) trying to reinforce how great is to be single or the gift of a year-long subscription to Match.com , single women are presented with

"High Tide, Storm Rising" - Skinshape

A new Skinshape LP is on the way as of October 28th! "Nostalgia" promises to delve into the world of motives and motifs. Will Dorey (AKA Skinshape) has described this particular track "High Tide, Storm Rising" as "the main theme song of a movie." And if you have read any of my prior posts, you know I'm a sucker for anything cinematic. Here's a full look at the Skinshape "Nostalgia" track listing: 01. Theme For Lazarus 02. Better Chances 03. Dreams of Panama 04. Moonlight Walk 05. Albion 06. High Tide, Storm Rising 07. Turn Away 08. Bohanon's Cornucopia 09. Bad Dreams 10. Fish & Chips 11. Dawn I would try to include something about live shows, but the soulful likes of Skinahape simply prefer to record and NOT perform live, which is an interesting choice in today's world. Once again, "Nostalgia" is out everywhere as of Oct. 28th.

The Useless Critic 2.0

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