True Blood Season 5: The Prequel

So, it’s summer, and that means it’s time for another season of everyone’s favorite campy, sexy, violent show. No, not Jersey Shore, you assholes. I may be shameless, but I have standards, as low as they are.

I’ve been watching True Blood since it debuted back in 2008, and fortunately I haven’t gotten to the point where I’m just watching it to watch it (hello, Supernatural!). Last season sure did try my patience. Even though I liked the vampire politics and the crazy necromancer witch villain, a lot of the other stories fell flat. Tara became a lesbian (or bisexual? I don’t think it’s ever clarified) cage fighter in an attempt to make her character more interesting. (Spoiler! It didn’t work.) And storylines that I think could have been fruitful were cut short, such as Sam and Tommy’s combative relationship. And Lafayette getting possessed every five seconds was exhausting. While I’m also sure Sookie's trip to fairyland was necessary to a degree, I found myself rolling my eyes at a lot of it (and seeing how this is an over-the-top show all about crazy supernatural creatures, that’s saying something).

Needless to say I have high expectations going into this season. Judging from the trailers, the vampire world is the focal point once more, which has always been the show’s strength. And Christoper Meloni as the head of the Vampire Authority? YES PLEASE

Sexy cast...or the sexiest cast?

Here is a rundown of my current feelings toward the characters allegedly present in season 5:

Characters I love: Sookie, Eric, Pam, Bill, Jessica (Huh, almost exclusively vampires. Coincidence?)

Character I love but I’m not really sure why: Sam (I find him ridiculously sexy, so there’s that.)

Ladies and gentlemen into rugged men, I give you Exhibit A.

I was going to caption this, but I had to...take care of something. In my pants.

Characters I’m indifferent to: Terry + Arlene, Hoyt, Andy, Alcide (I want to like Mr. Werewolf, but as of right now, he’s just a pretty face/ass.)

Characters I liked at first but now I find annoying: Lafayette, Jason (I hope both of them have storylines this season that do them justice.)

Characters I want to go away forever: Tara, Crystal (Both of these girls are insufferable to various degrees.)

Character played by Christoper Meloni that I'll probably masturbate to: Roman

HELLO DADDY

So there you have a mini rundown of my expectations of this year's True Blood. But what about you? Is there anything you're hoping for this season? Leave us a comment or five! I'll be back Monday with my full report on the season premiere!

No Time to Fuck: The Goldfrapp Essay

Konnichiwa! This is Irina Cummings and I'm here to discuss one of the most brilliant, innovative, and creative artists in the entire history of mankind: Goldfrapp – or as I like to call them , GODfrapp – the fantastique, highly inspirational, and sometimes criminally overlooked electronic music duo from London consisting of Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory, whose godly music has certainly influenced the vast majority of today's synthpop ladies, including Lady Gaga, Little Boots, La Roux, Annie and Florence + the Machine (not electro but still worth your while). They're primarily known for their mind-blowing music (which have spanned pretty much every style of electronic music – and some non-electronic as well), their abstract, sexually ambiguous – at times forthright – lyrics which are often not gender- specific , and their elaborate shows, not to mention the amazing visual aesthetics of their work, conjuring images that masterly complement ...

Give JR a Break

Recently, I've been reading some sites that have criticized James Roday, the lead actor on the USA show PSYCH for an apparent weight gain. But you know what? Who gives a flying fizzle stick if James Roday is slightly larger than he was 4 years ago. Apparently, it wasn't enough to scare away his current girlfriend/ co-star Maggie Lawson. (Who is one hell of a Catch!) And NO they are not engaged. That seems to be nothing more than a rumor, but there is a very high chance of it happening in the near future. Anyway, as long as PSYCH continues to entertain I don't mind about James Roday's waist. He, and Dule Hill, and Corbin Bernson too, can eat all the fried broccoli they want. The last episode of PSYCH wasn't so smashing, but I don't blame it on dietary issues. QATFYG: Are you keeping up with Psych? And who is hotter, James Roday or Maggie Lawson? (Trick Question but idk why) PS: If you have heard any more news on Roday and Lawson becoming Roday-Lawson, send it...

Full Oscar Recap

For starters Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were great hosts. I really liked their chemistry and humor, but I wondered how they would get through without a musical number.....then there is Neil Patrick Harris to save the day. So like I said, Miley and Taylor were out of line....and I really did not like how when Miley was up on stage with Amanda Seyfried and she says "We're nervous, it's our first time up here." OH come on, like you've never presented an award before, and you've also been to the Oscars.....Not to mention Amanda S. presented the special last year with R Patz about Romance movies. More Recap, Monique won as predicted. Christoph Waltz won as predicted. Jeff Bridges won as predicted. Sandra Bullock won as predicted. All of which were Great and Followed with Great Speeches. I love how Sandra said in the Baps interview that if Meryl Streep won, she's gonna "kick her ass." Also Christoph Waltz was so good. He was unbelievably good in ...

The Useless Critic 2.0

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