The Useless Critic 2.0

Last Wednesday, Garbage finally released "Empty," the energetic lead single from their upcoming sixth studio album, Strange Little Birds , but since I've been busy AF, I haven't been able to report on it until now. "I'm so empty / You're all I'm thinking about," Shirley Manson croons in the angsty chorus over a blazing electronic drum beat and '90s-esque shoegaze guitars. Given the anxious nature of the lyrics, her emptiness appears to stem from the anguish of unrequited love/lust. Ugh, Queen Shirley never fails to speak to my soul. Now I'm curious as to whether their new album will feature other lyrics that are equally brooding and relatable . Strange Little Birds is out June 10. In other news, last weekend Mariah Carey threw a costume party in Italy where all the guests dressed as—wait for it—Mariah Carey. Who else but Mariah, right? I might actually steal this idea for my birthday party this year and have everyone dress as forme...

9 AM: Get into my favorite Urban Outfitters attire and put on a headdress. Ready to party, guys! 9:30 AM: Drink a kombucha latte in a field. 9:45 AM: Call Mom and ask to borrow her credit card again. 11 AM: After listening to the Guns and Roses set (featuring Kanye on vocals), I end up in the 26-mile-long line for the bathroom. 11:30 AM: End up in Taylor Swift's squad. How did I get here? I just walked into it! 12 PM: Am ejected from Taylor's squad. Forever shamed, forever 21. HEARTBREAK IS MY NATIONAL ANTHEM 12:30 PM: Run into hologram of Chubby Checker. Run away, screaming. 1 PM: Call Mom again. 1:50 PM: Trade my gladiator sandals for flower crown from Lana Del Ray. Later realize it was James Franco incognito. 3 PM: End up coloring adult coloring books with Justin Bieber while LCD Soundsystem (reunited!) plays. 3:45 PM:  Snapchat!!! 5 PM: Wake up w/ flower crown stolen. Sob. More shame ensues. 7 PM: Add Lena Dunham to my LinkedIn network. 9 PM: Fal...

Within the first few seconds of hearing this song, I was hooked. I've been distantly following Britta Phillips' musical career over the course of the last few years (she's been in the groups Dean and Britta, and Luna, and she was Jem's singing voice in the cartoon). She also has a close enough name to my own that I feel a ~special~ kinship to her (Britta, Britt. It's the little things sometimes). So my soul sister is releasing her debut solo album this year, "Luck or Magic" (4/29 to be exact). It sounds promising, judging off this song (which has a chilled-out, almost Charlotte Gainsbourg-meets-1980s-alt-rock feel to it) and the covers she released as well that will be included on the album (most notably her cover of "Drive," which is pretty, but there's only so much to be done with that Cars classic). "Daydream" is haunting in a way, but not in some chilling or menacing fashion. Nah. It's more like - imagine driving aroun...

This song is so catchy it's sick. And I'm not even a Tegan and Sara fan - I mean I applaud them for being very visible queer women, because that's so hard to find, esp. in mainstream music - but I just never warmed up to them, so to speak. "Back in Your Head" is a fantastic song, tho. And "Closer." God, I sound like a really basic indie fan. *curls hair around finger* "So, like, have you ever listened to Mumford and Sons?" "Boyfriend" has "SUMMER SONG" written all over it in the most fun '80s throwback way. And what's cool is it's about (I'm assuming) dating a recently "out" girl or a closeted girl and having her be like, "Noooo. My gosh, we're friends when we hang out with my family. Don't even look at me!" (been there been there been there) Like, bish. My time is precious and life is short. Anyway, it'd be refreshing to hear a song like this on Top 40 as opposed to ...

There are many things I regret spending time on in my 27 years of life: - Playing "The Sims" so much and setting up ungodly scenarios for my characters. - Writing "Frasier" fanfiction as a young girl (I married Niles btw, I guess in some other world, we have several kids by now. Happy birthday, David Hyde Pierce, love of my early childhood!) - Most of the things I posted on Livejournal as a petulant teenager. But among the things I regret is watching the "Mother's Day" trailer. Holy crap. Why did I do that to myself? I might as well have watched a candid interview with Gwyneth Paltrow about her lifestyle. It would have had the same effect. Frickin' Gwyneth Paltrow. That's another can of worms for some other Sunday.   So I listen to a lot of Ted talks and Super Soul Sundays when I work or am at home. I find them really comforting. I'm also probably 40 when I'm not busy being 15 again.   And sometimes, I get these ads o...

Last Friday, March 18, ageless queen Gwen Stefani finally released her long-awaited third solo studio album, This Is What the Truth Feels Like , her first in almost ten years. Damn, I can't believe it's been a decade since The Sweet Escape ! Last October, following her highly publicized divorce from her husband of 13 years, Gavin Rossdale, Gwen dropped the emotional lead single "Used to Love You." Given its confessional nature, I instantly expected the album to include lots of angsty, lovelorn ballads in the vein of " Early Winter " (one of the best ballads of all time ), " 4 in the Morning ," and " Don't Speak ." The following month, after weeks of speculation, Gwen confirmed she was in a relationship with her The Voice co-host Blake Shelton, which would inevitably become an additional source of inspiration for her upcoming album. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about these two being an item. Blake is actually kind of...

Checked out VIVA PHOENIX last night with some friends. It's Phoenix's version of SXSW. I've been following it since it started in 2014, and each time I've went, I've had a lot of fun. Last year, some guy hit on me at a Coolio concert and tried to get me to come to the Andrew WK show afterward. I stopped having fun around that time and went home. This year? Nothing exceptionally weird, except I did lose something (which makes me very sad). If someone out there has the thing that I lost, please please please PLEASE return it to me. Here are some highlights, musically speaking, from this up-and-coming festival in Phoenix. I kind of hate myself for using the phrase "up-and-coming" in the previous sentence TBH. Crystal Castles w/ New Frontwoman Alice Glass left Crystal Castles in 2014, and was replaced with Edith Frances. Here's a fun fact - Edith Frances has a lot of weird theories behind her existence. There's been a lot of beef between Alice an...