Skip to main content

how i imagine




SARAH PALIN'S ALASKA

by Henrik Ibsen

Sarah: Hi y'all! Welcome to the 50th state! Alaaaaaaska, which I have called home since I crawled up here from somewhere in the American Northwest and which has been the property of the United States since we bought it from the Ruskies for a Big Mac.








*Powerpoint presentation of Alaska ensues*

Sarah: I'm Sarah Palin and I should be vice president! Look at my fleece coat! I bought this at LL Bean with some of your tax money! Then I bought a Big Mac, but it was made of wolves.

ho ho ho

Sarah: Let's take a look at my house! Come on!

*leads around her mansion, which apparently overlooks Moscow*

Sarah: *pointing at a water bed* And that's where the magic happens. Or Trig, in my case. ho ho ho!

*Todd drives up on a snowmobile*

Todd: Hey baby, I just got back from seal hunting and reading the constitution.

Sarah: I love that LL Bean fleece you're wearing.

Todd: Thanks.


*they make out (imagine THIS)*


Sarah: Well, see here folks. That's how we got Lego, Trig, Tractor, Harp, Ferris Wheel, Macadamian Nut and Willow Smith! Just good old family loving, Republican style.


I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

Todd: I'm gonna go chop a Redwood down.


I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

*Sarah composes herself*

Sarah: Wow, let's keep going!

Bristol: MOM WHY AM I DANCING WITH THE STARS I DON'T WANT TO BE ON DANCING WITH THE STARS I HATE THIS I HATE YOU I HATE LEVI I HATE-



*gets eaten by a GRIZZLY BEAR*



Brandy: that is what you get bitch.


Grizzly Bear: rhrjrjrjrrjrjr
*stalks off*

Sarah: Oh I didn't see that coming, but in defense of bears everywhere, she does kind of look like a cream puff, no?

Member of the Tea Party: I WILL KILL THAT FUCKING COMMIE BEAR *grabs gun*
*door*

Alice: I heard there was a tea party?



....






it will just not be this good.
WATCH IT ON TLC (the channel not the band)

Comments

  1. This is your best post yet but I don't get why there are midgets on top.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I Adore this post.

    I was sold with the Henrik Ibsen ref.

    But I loved the whole thing. Hilary-ious.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Little people in a big world! Metaphorrrrr

    ReplyDelete
  4. good god

    I just peed my pants a little

    ReplyDelete
  5. "*Powerpoint presentation of Alaska ensues*

    Sarah: I'm Sarah Palin and I should be vice president! Look at my fleece coat! I bought this at LL Bean with some of your tax money! Then I bought a Big Mac, but it was made of wolves."

    You are such a 'maverick' for writing this, Brittany!

    "Excellent." – Charles Montgomery Burns

    ReplyDelete
  6. names of Sarah's kids = best thing i have read all week!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Anchors" - AM Higgins

Here's a nice breezy, almost sensual song from AM Higgins (the solo project of musician Annie Toth) to start your Tuesday off right.  Her debut album "Hymning" will be out November 5th on Victorialand Records. The album was mixed by Casey Foubert, a frequent collaborator of Sufjan Stevens. The album "captures the first years of moving from an American city to rural France." Sounds like "Hymning" will be a welcome escape from the world we live in right now, especially considering that Annie Toth counts poets Mary Oliver and Thomas Merton as influences.

"Mon Soleil" - Ashley Park

If there's anything people take away from my piss-poor legacy, I hope it's what a huge, unabashed fan of "Emily in Paris" I am and will continue to be. People love "90 Day Fiancee," "The Bachelor," and other garbage - allow me "Emily," which is at least harmless, kind of goofy fluff (which does, unfortunately, lean into some stereotypes, as the country of Ukraine knows ). I have already watched Season 2 twice. And honestly my favorite part of this show (despite my crush on Camille Razart and Lily Collins channeling Audrey Hepburn hardcore ) is Ashley Park. This woman has superstar written all over her. She's a bona fide Broadway star, and "Emily in Paris" has served as her pivot into the zeitgeist.  "Emily in Paris" is also showcasing her vocal prowess front and center this season, with her covering BTS, "All By Myself," "Sympathtique," and Marilyn Monroe. But the real standout performance is th

"Happy New Year"- Let's Eat Grandma

There's no way to start the New Year like some extremely upbeat music about the New Year! That's where this new synthpop-heavy single from the British duo Let's Eat Grandma comes into play. It's a delightful song, and it helps increase any excitement about their third album, "Two Ribbons," which will be out this April. I personally am looking forward to hearing more from Let's Eat Grandma, who deserve way more attention than they currently get. Hopefully, 2022 will be a big year for them. Here's one of their older tracks I quite like: