Skip to main content

how i imagine




SARAH PALIN'S ALASKA

by Henrik Ibsen

Sarah: Hi y'all! Welcome to the 50th state! Alaaaaaaska, which I have called home since I crawled up here from somewhere in the American Northwest and which has been the property of the United States since we bought it from the Ruskies for a Big Mac.








*Powerpoint presentation of Alaska ensues*

Sarah: I'm Sarah Palin and I should be vice president! Look at my fleece coat! I bought this at LL Bean with some of your tax money! Then I bought a Big Mac, but it was made of wolves.

ho ho ho

Sarah: Let's take a look at my house! Come on!

*leads around her mansion, which apparently overlooks Moscow*

Sarah: *pointing at a water bed* And that's where the magic happens. Or Trig, in my case. ho ho ho!

*Todd drives up on a snowmobile*

Todd: Hey baby, I just got back from seal hunting and reading the constitution.

Sarah: I love that LL Bean fleece you're wearing.

Todd: Thanks.


*they make out (imagine THIS)*


Sarah: Well, see here folks. That's how we got Lego, Trig, Tractor, Harp, Ferris Wheel, Macadamian Nut and Willow Smith! Just good old family loving, Republican style.


I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

Todd: I'm gonna go chop a Redwood down.


I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

*Sarah composes herself*

Sarah: Wow, let's keep going!

Bristol: MOM WHY AM I DANCING WITH THE STARS I DON'T WANT TO BE ON DANCING WITH THE STARS I HATE THIS I HATE YOU I HATE LEVI I HATE-



*gets eaten by a GRIZZLY BEAR*



Brandy: that is what you get bitch.


Grizzly Bear: rhrjrjrjrrjrjr
*stalks off*

Sarah: Oh I didn't see that coming, but in defense of bears everywhere, she does kind of look like a cream puff, no?

Member of the Tea Party: I WILL KILL THAT FUCKING COMMIE BEAR *grabs gun*
*door*

Alice: I heard there was a tea party?



....






it will just not be this good.
WATCH IT ON TLC (the channel not the band)

Comments

  1. This is your best post yet but I don't get why there are midgets on top.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I Adore this post.

    I was sold with the Henrik Ibsen ref.

    But I loved the whole thing. Hilary-ious.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Little people in a big world! Metaphorrrrr

    ReplyDelete
  4. good god

    I just peed my pants a little

    ReplyDelete
  5. "*Powerpoint presentation of Alaska ensues*

    Sarah: I'm Sarah Palin and I should be vice president! Look at my fleece coat! I bought this at LL Bean with some of your tax money! Then I bought a Big Mac, but it was made of wolves."

    You are such a 'maverick' for writing this, Brittany!

    "Excellent." – Charles Montgomery Burns

    ReplyDelete
  6. names of Sarah's kids = best thing i have read all week!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Chang-E" - Emmy the Great (new album out 10/9)

Emmy the Great drops her new album tomorrow on Bella Union - the fastest album she says she's ever created.  "April /月音" was completed after a trip to to her birth city Hong Kong in 2017. In early 2018, Emmy the Great made "April /月音" in a two-week period in Brooklyn - which was delayed for release until now because of her maternity leave. After recording this album, Emmy moved (for good) back to Hong Kong.  Since her original trip to Hong Kong, things have become quite tumultuous there. Said Emmy. "I’ll never know why the city called me back, but I know what it gave me. In return, I want to give it this album. That Mid-Autumn, nobody could have predicted what was to come, neither the atomization that began with the anti-Extradition Law protests in June 2019, nor the struggle for democracy that continues now, through the Covid-19 pandemic. To witness your birth city in its greatest moment of need is a powerful, humbling event, and I know I watched Hong Kong

3 New Lana Songs Come Out From Upcoming Album "Blue Banisters"

Not even that far off from "Chemtrails Over The Country Club" being released this past March, Lana Del Rey dropped three new singles off her upcoming project, "Blue Banisters." They include the title track, "Text Book," and "Wildflower Wildfire." All three songs seem to merge the worlds of "COCC" with "Norman Fucking Rockwell," specifically Lana's mouthful of a track "Hope is a Dangerous Thing for a Woman Like Me To Have But I Have It." They also seem uncharacteristically more confessional than most of Lana's catalog to date, specifically "Wildflower Wildfire," which alludes to a conflict with her mother. She even starts the track with "Here's the deal," readying to show more of her backstory than she ever has in her decade-plus-long career. The three songs are gorgeous - especially "Text Book," which has a haunting quality to it (she mentions "Black Lives Matter" i

RIP Andy Warpigs

If you're even vaguely familiar with the Phoenix music scene to any extent, you probably knew Andy Warpigs. I saw them a few times at Yucca/Time Out Lounge when I was frequenting both spots a few years ago. Andy Warpigs was one of the most ubiquitous names you could come across, and with good reason - they were an incredibly prolific and talented artist, basically a Phoenix legend.  Unfortunately, over the weekend Andy Warpigs passed away - an extremely tragic loss. If you can possibly donate to the GoFundMe to help Andy's mom with funeral expenses , please do so.  Take care, Britt