SARAH PALIN'S ALASKA
by Henrik Ibsen
Sarah: Hi y'all! Welcome to the 50th state! Alaaaaaaska, which I have called home since I crawled up here from somewhere in the American Northwest and which has been the property of the United States since we bought it from the Ruskies for a Big Mac.
*Powerpoint presentation of Alaska ensues*
Sarah: I'm Sarah Palin and I should be vice president! Look at my fleece coat! I bought this at LL Bean with some of your tax money! Then I bought a Big Mac, but it was made of wolves.
ho ho ho
Sarah: Let's take a look at my house! Come on!
*leads around her mansion, which apparently overlooks Moscow*
Sarah: *pointing at a water bed* And that's where the magic happens. Or Trig, in my case. ho ho ho!
*Todd drives up on a snowmobile*
Todd: Hey baby, I just got back from seal hunting and reading the constitution.
Sarah: I love that LL Bean fleece you're wearing.
Todd: Thanks.
*they make out (imagine THIS)*
Sarah: Well, see here folks. That's how we got Lego, Trig, Tractor, Harp, Ferris Wheel, Macadamian Nut and Willow Smith! Just good old family loving, Republican style.
I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH
Todd: I'm gonna go chop a Redwood down.
I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH
*Sarah composes herself*
Sarah: Wow, let's keep going!
Bristol: MOM WHY AM I DANCING WITH THE STARS I DON'T WANT TO BE ON DANCING WITH THE STARS I HATE THIS I HATE YOU I HATE LEVI I HATE-
*gets eaten by a GRIZZLY BEAR*
Brandy: that is what you get bitch.
Grizzly Bear: rhrjrjrjrrjrjr
*stalks off*
Sarah: Oh I didn't see that coming, but in defense of bears everywhere, she does kind of look like a cream puff, no?
Member of the Tea Party: I WILL KILL THAT FUCKING COMMIE BEAR *grabs gun*
*door*
Alice: I heard there was a tea party?
....
it will just not be this good.
WATCH IT ON TLC (the channel not the band)
This is your best post yet but I don't get why there are midgets on top.
ReplyDeleteI Adore this post.
ReplyDeleteI was sold with the Henrik Ibsen ref.
But I loved the whole thing. Hilary-ious.
Little people in a big world! Metaphorrrrr
ReplyDeletegood god
ReplyDeleteI just peed my pants a little
"*Powerpoint presentation of Alaska ensues*
ReplyDeleteSarah: I'm Sarah Palin and I should be vice president! Look at my fleece coat! I bought this at LL Bean with some of your tax money! Then I bought a Big Mac, but it was made of wolves."
You are such a 'maverick' for writing this, Brittany!
"Excellent." – Charles Montgomery Burns
names of Sarah's kids = best thing i have read all week!
ReplyDeletepeople read! thank you!!!
ReplyDelete