how i imagine

SARAH PALIN'S ALASKA

by Henrik Ibsen

Sarah: Hi y'all! Welcome to the 50th state! Alaaaaaaska, which I have called home since I crawled up here from somewhere in the American Northwest and which has been the property of the United States since we bought it from the Ruskies for a Big Mac.

*Powerpoint presentation of Alaska ensues*

Sarah: I'm Sarah Palin and I should be vice president! Look at my fleece coat! I bought this at LL Bean with some of your tax money! Then I bought a Big Mac, but it was made of wolves.

ho ho ho

Sarah: Let's take a look at my house! Come on!

*leads around her mansion, which apparently overlooks Moscow*

Sarah: *pointing at a water bed* And that's where the magic happens. Or Trig, in my case. ho ho ho!

*Todd drives up on a snowmobile*

Todd: Hey baby, I just got back from seal hunting and reading the constitution.

Sarah: I love that LL Bean fleece you're wearing.

Todd: Thanks.

*they make out (imagine THIS)*

Sarah: Well, see here folks. That's how we got Lego, Trig, Tractor, Harp, Ferris Wheel, Macadamian Nut and Willow Smith! Just good old family loving, Republican style.

I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

Todd: I'm gonna go chop a Redwood down.

I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

*Sarah composes herself*

Sarah: Wow, let's keep going!

Bristol: MOM WHY AM I DANCING WITH THE STARS I DON'T WANT TO BE ON DANCING WITH THE STARS I HATE THIS I HATE YOU I HATE LEVI I HATE-

*gets eaten by a GRIZZLY BEAR*

Brandy: that is what you get bitch.

Grizzly Bear: rhrjrjrjrrjrjr

*stalks off*

Sarah: Oh I didn't see that coming, but in defense of bears everywhere, she does kind of look like a cream puff, no?

Member of the Tea Party: I WILL KILL THAT FUCKING COMMIE BEAR *grabs gun*

*door*

Alice: I heard there was a tea party?

....

it will just not be this good.

WATCH IT ON TLC (the channel not the band)