Skip to main content

An open letter to Betty White, by Ursula.

once again, Ursula is guest writing for us. why? because she's an amazing writer and SOMEONE needs an intervention here....p.s. I love Hot in Cleveland (sry Ursula)....

An (open) Letter to Betty White

Dear Betty,

I would like to tell you about the moment when I first decided I was kind of tired of you. Back in August, LeBron James was trying to decide whether to stay with the Cleveland Cavaliers or go to another pro basketball team (which I didn’t care about, I just couldn’t help hearing because it was all-freaking-over the news). You and your costars from Hot in Clevelandmade a little skit where you begged LeBron to stay in Cleveland, at the end of which you said, in your seductive little warble, “I’ll make it worth your while!”

Oh, Betty. Dear, dear Betty.

We get it. We get that you are like a hundred years old and have exploded into mainstream culture by playing little old ladies who talk about their sexual adventures as frankly and as frequently as the cast of Friends. We get that your characters have dabbled in drugs, wild partying, and questionable religious practices. We get that you do this with a sweet and innocent smile on your face, which combined with (again) your oldness makes every word that comes out of your mouth provocative and hilarious.

Now would you please, please, just do something else?

I first noticed you in The Proposal, in which you were pretty outrageous, but so was the movie. I saw you in the Snickers commercial where you get pummeled with football players. I did not see you on SNL, but I heard you were…you. I saw a few episodes of Hot in Cleveland. I did not see You Again, but I did see the previews, and that was probably enough. In all of these, you were more or less the same person. (Although you can’t really be blamed for Hot in Cleveland’s lameness. Valerie Bertinelli doesn’t help anything.)

Of course, I’ve seen episodes of The Golden Girls, but that was a long time ago and the point is, WOULD YOU PLEASE PLAY A DIFFERENT ROLE? You were kind of a breakthrough character there for a while, but I’m pretty sure that phase is over and it’s time to move on. The Internet tells me that you’ve had a pretty good film career, and anyone who’s seen The Golden Girls knows that you can act. So maybe you could get back to that? As in—actual acting? Because I won’t deny that you’re funny, and yes, you’re a nice break from the anorexic-looking chicks my age on TV who will probably jump the shark by the time they’re 30. But the pseudo-sex appeal thing just isn’t working anymore.


Come on, Betty White! Don’t let me down! It’s for the good of your legacy!


- Ursula

the Useless Critic, at large

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

"Chang-E" - Emmy the Great (new album out 10/9)

Emmy the Great drops her new album tomorrow on Bella Union - the fastest album she says she's ever created.  "April /月音" was completed after a trip to to her birth city Hong Kong in 2017. In early 2018, Emmy the Great made "April /月音" in a two-week period in Brooklyn - which was delayed for release until now because of her maternity leave. After recording this album, Emmy moved (for good) back to Hong Kong.  Since her original trip to Hong Kong, things have become quite tumultuous there. Said Emmy. "I’ll never know why the city called me back, but I know what it gave me. In return, I want to give it this album. That Mid-Autumn, nobody could have predicted what was to come, neither the atomization that began with the anti-Extradition Law protests in June 2019, nor the struggle for democracy that continues now, through the Covid-19 pandemic. To witness your birth city in its greatest moment of need is a powerful, humbling event, and I know I watched Hong Kong

Give JR a Break

Recently, I've been reading some sites that have criticized James Roday, the lead actor on the USA show PSYCH for an apparent weight gain. But you know what? Who gives a flying fizzle stick if James Roday is slightly larger than he was 4 years ago. Apparently, it wasn't enough to scare away his current girlfriend/ co-star Maggie Lawson. (Who is one hell of a Catch!) And NO they are not engaged. That seems to be nothing more than a rumor, but there is a very high chance of it happening in the near future. Anyway, as long as PSYCH continues to entertain I don't mind about James Roday's waist. He, and Dule Hill, and Corbin Bernson too, can eat all the fried broccoli they want. The last episode of PSYCH wasn't so smashing, but I don't blame it on dietary issues. QATFYG: Are you keeping up with Psych? And who is hotter, James Roday or Maggie Lawson? (Trick Question but idk why) PS: If you have heard any more news on Roday and Lawson becoming Roday-Lawso

Lilith help me, I want to stake the second episode of True Blood!

Episode 2: Authority Always Wins Well here we are again, time to sink our twin hard-ons into the new episode! Before I get into the thick of things, again I must let you know HERE BE MASSIVE SPOILERS. And I’m going to recap this by the characters instead of a timeline account, because not much happens in this episode.