Dear Betty,
I would like to tell you about the moment when I first decided I was kind of tired of you. Back in August, LeBron James was trying to decide whether to stay with the Cleveland Cavaliers or go to another pro basketball team (which I didn’t care about, I just couldn’t help hearing because it was all-freaking-over the news). You and your costars from Hot in Clevelandmade a little skit where you begged LeBron to stay in Cleveland, at the end of which you said, in your seductive little warble, “I’ll make it worth your while!”
Oh, Betty. Dear, dear Betty.
We get it. We get that you are like a hundred years old and have exploded into mainstream culture by playing little old ladies who talk about their sexual adventures as frankly and as frequently as the cast of Friends. We get that your characters have dabbled in drugs, wild partying, and questionable religious practices. We get that you do this with a sweet and innocent smile on your face, which combined with (again) your oldness makes every word that comes out of your mouth provocative and hilarious.
Now would you please, please, just do something else?
I first noticed you in The Proposal, in which you were pretty outrageous, but so was the movie. I saw you in the Snickers commercial where you get pummeled with football players. I did not see you on SNL, but I heard you were…you. I saw a few episodes of Hot in Cleveland. I did not see You Again, but I did see the previews, and that was probably enough. In all of these, you were more or less the same person. (Although you can’t really be blamed for Hot in Cleveland’s lameness. Valerie Bertinelli doesn’t help anything.)
Of course, I’ve seen episodes of The Golden Girls, but that was a long time ago and the point is, WOULD YOU PLEASE PLAY A DIFFERENT ROLE? You were kind of a breakthrough character there for a while, but I’m pretty sure that phase is over and it’s time to move on. The Internet tells me that you’ve had a pretty good film career, and anyone who’s seen The Golden Girls knows that you can act. So maybe you could get back to that? As in—actual acting? Because I won’t deny that you’re funny, and yes, you’re a nice break from the anorexic-looking chicks my age on TV who will probably jump the shark by the time they’re 30. But the pseudo-sex appeal thing just isn’t working anymore.
Come on, Betty White! Don’t let me down! It’s for the good of your legacy!
- Ursula
the Useless Critic, at large
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