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a review of a movie i have not seen.




I remember when I worked for the Spectator and Alice and I got a review from Al based off the trailer for that movie Love Happens. Alice, if you ever read this, you might remember. it caused some confusion. how can he review a movie if he hasn't seen the damn thing? Al, I still love you bb. this conversation just happened.

I am about to do the same thing. see here:

HEY YALL I'M GWYNETH PALTROW
I'm playing this washed-up country singer
with addictionz
like this hasn't happened before! see: WALK THE LINE

I SING MY OWN SONGS; THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE. isn't that a feat? like, has anyone did that before? God, Bette Midler. look away! look away!

Gwyneth Paltrow isn't by any means a bad actress. she really isn't. as a person, though, she happens to be an idiot. do I know her personally? yes, yes I do. she calls me up and she's like "Brittany should I get my colon cleaned?" as to which I am all like "bitch yeah go for it it's your digestive system!"

but Oscar buzz? all right, I will say this has ...................X..... on chances. yes I could see it, but if she wasn't nominated for playing Sylvia Plath, then I doubt she's going to be nominated for playing some second-rate Shania Twain/Britney Spears hybrid. by the way- Shania Twain has never had any problems except her cheaty ex-husband. lucky bitch. congratulations on the second marriage!

anyway, I think we all know that the real point of this movie is to show that fame is bad and strong women are never happy women and that Gwyneth can sometimes sing. ("I love it when we're cruising together!" okay, remember that song with Huey Lewis? they used to play it on my high school bus all the time? my dad sat next to Huey Lewis on a plane. HE IS SMALL.) I think Tim McGraw's performance will be commendable but Gwyneth is NO Sandra
(privatelydatingRyanReynoldsyougogirl) and this is no Blind Side. or Erin Brockovich. Or Eat Pray Love. Or Rudy. Or Coal Miner's Daughter.

the ending will be happy and involve a song of some kind. your life will be better if you bypass this in theaters and see Tron instead. I am telling you.



right, right.

Comments

  1. I read a New Yorker review of this movie by someone who HAD seen the movie, and it was pretty much what you just said. So kudos!

    ReplyDelete
  2. !!!!!!!!!!!! I COULD BE WRITING FOR THE NEW YORKER? swoon

    ReplyDelete

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