Skip to main content

In honor of my various ex-wives!

Perhaps you've heard that the best sitcom on network TV currently, Parks and Recreation, has just added the awesome awesome awesome Patricia Clarkson (FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS) to their line-up for this coming season as Ron Swanson's psychotic first wife, Tammy No 1. Tammy No 2, we all know, is played by the brilliantly psycho Megan Mullally of Will and Grace fame. And Ron Swanson's real life wife, actually!

That being said, I was inspired to write a post dedicated to my ex-wives through the years, in honor of this amazing development. Patricia Clarkson is who I want to age into, by the way. Which will prob happen because I have good genes on my mother's side.

WIFE NO 1:  JANE CURTAIN


Oh, sweet Jane, as the Velvets used to say! We met in the 1970s on the NBC back lot. I was trying to desperately get high out of an old shoe. And there she was, offering me a bong and some Pink Floyd lps. She asked if I had ever gotten high to Dark Side of the Moon while watching Citizen Kane. I asked, "don't you mean Wizard of Oz?" To which she stared at me with blank eyes. The sex was good, but we had a falling out over whether or not Orson Welles resembled a taco while high.

1979 - 1983
Sometimes I see her at Whole Foods and wince.

WIFE NO 2:  PHYLICIA RASHAD

To be fair, I was getting high out of a shoe when I married the Cosby actress. She was very disciplined, and very kind, but also very controlling. She explained to me I could only wear my hair up ONE day a week. I was so bewildered! Like, should it be Tuesday? Should it be Thursday? When she wanted to adopt a blind Labrador and I developed a drinking/cocaine/Muppets problem, we went our separate ways. 

1985 - 1986

WIFE NO 3: JHUMPA LAHIRI


This was a mistake. I brushed her hand while reaching for Ayn Rand at the Barnes and Nobles in Boston. Three months later, after having discovered God but mostly Ayn Rand and abandoning my substance addictions, we were getting married by the justice of the peace. He asked me what gender I was and I responded burgundy. Jhumpa and I are still great friends, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure she dedicated the Namesake to me.

1990 (six months)


WIFE NO 4:  RICHARD SIMMONS


NO EXCUSES

A day in 1992

WIFE NO 5:  The girl from the Cranberries


This ended when I rightfully predicted, while we walked hand-in-hand in the park some enchanted Wednesday, "I don't think you are going to have a career when the 1990s end."

1996 - 1999


So there you have it! Eat your heart out, Ron Swanson! 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Chang-E" - Emmy the Great (new album out 10/9)

Emmy the Great drops her new album tomorrow on Bella Union - the fastest album she says she's ever created.  "April /月音" was completed after a trip to to her birth city Hong Kong in 2017. In early 2018, Emmy the Great made "April /月音" in a two-week period in Brooklyn - which was delayed for release until now because of her maternity leave. After recording this album, Emmy moved (for good) back to Hong Kong.  Since her original trip to Hong Kong, things have become quite tumultuous there. Said Emmy. "I’ll never know why the city called me back, but I know what it gave me. In return, I want to give it this album. That Mid-Autumn, nobody could have predicted what was to come, neither the atomization that began with the anti-Extradition Law protests in June 2019, nor the struggle for democracy that continues now, through the Covid-19 pandemic. To witness your birth city in its greatest moment of need is a powerful, humbling event, and I know I watched Hong Kong

Give JR a Break

Recently, I've been reading some sites that have criticized James Roday, the lead actor on the USA show PSYCH for an apparent weight gain. But you know what? Who gives a flying fizzle stick if James Roday is slightly larger than he was 4 years ago. Apparently, it wasn't enough to scare away his current girlfriend/ co-star Maggie Lawson. (Who is one hell of a Catch!) And NO they are not engaged. That seems to be nothing more than a rumor, but there is a very high chance of it happening in the near future. Anyway, as long as PSYCH continues to entertain I don't mind about James Roday's waist. He, and Dule Hill, and Corbin Bernson too, can eat all the fried broccoli they want. The last episode of PSYCH wasn't so smashing, but I don't blame it on dietary issues. QATFYG: Are you keeping up with Psych? And who is hotter, James Roday or Maggie Lawson? (Trick Question but idk why) PS: If you have heard any more news on Roday and Lawson becoming Roday-Lawso

Lilith help me, I want to stake the second episode of True Blood!

Episode 2: Authority Always Wins Well here we are again, time to sink our twin hard-ons into the new episode! Before I get into the thick of things, again I must let you know HERE BE MASSIVE SPOILERS. And I’m going to recap this by the characters instead of a timeline account, because not much happens in this episode.