In honor of my various ex-wives!

Perhaps you've heard that the best sitcom on network TV currently, Parks and Recreation, has just added the awesome awesome awesome Patricia Clarkson (FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS) to their line-up for this coming season as Ron Swanson's psychotic first wife, Tammy No 1. Tammy No 2, we all know, is played by the brilliantly psycho Megan Mullally of Will and Grace fame. And Ron Swanson's real life wife, actually!

That being said, I was inspired to write a post dedicated to my ex-wives through the years, in honor of this amazing development. Patricia Clarkson is who I want to age into, by the way. Which will prob happen because I have good genes on my mother's side.

WIFE NO 1: JANE CURTAIN

Oh, sweet Jane, as the Velvets used to say! We met in the 1970s on the NBC back lot. I was trying to desperately get high out of an old shoe. And there she was, offering me a bong and some Pink Floyd lps. She asked if I had ever gotten high to Dark Side of the Moon while watching Citizen Kane. I asked, "don't you mean Wizard of Oz?" To which she stared at me with blank eyes. The sex was good, but we had a falling out over whether or not Orson Welles resembled a taco while high.

1979 - 1983

Sometimes I see her at Whole Foods and wince.

WIFE NO 2: PHYLICIA RASHAD

To be fair, I was getting high out of a shoe when I married the Cosby actress. She was very disciplined, and very kind, but also very controlling. She explained to me I could only wear my hair up ONE day a week. I was so bewildered! Like, should it be Tuesday? Should it be Thursday? When she wanted to adopt a blind Labrador and I developed a drinking/cocaine/Muppets problem, we went our separate ways.

1985 - 1986

WIFE NO 3: JHUMPA LAHIRI

This was a mistake. I brushed her hand while reaching for Ayn Rand at the Barnes and Nobles in Boston. Three months later, after having discovered God but mostly Ayn Rand and abandoning my substance addictions, we were getting married by the justice of the peace. He asked me what gender I was and I responded burgundy. Jhumpa and I are still great friends, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure she dedicated the Namesake to me.

1990 (six months)

WIFE NO 4: RICHARD SIMMONS

NO EXCUSES

A day in 1992

WIFE NO 5: The girl from the Cranberries

This ended when I rightfully predicted, while we walked hand-in-hand in the park some enchanted Wednesday, "I don't think you are going to have a career when the 1990s end."

1996 - 1999

So there you have it! Eat your heart out, Ron Swanson!

Give JR a Break

Recently, I've been reading some sites that have criticized James Roday, the lead actor on the USA show PSYCH for an apparent weight gain. But you know what? Who gives a flying fizzle stick if James Roday is slightly larger than he was 4 years ago. Apparently, it wasn't enough to scare away his current girlfriend/ co-star Maggie Lawson. (Who is one hell of a Catch!) And NO they are not engaged. That seems to be nothing more than a rumor, but there is a very high chance of it happening in the near future. Anyway, as long as PSYCH continues to entertain I don't mind about James Roday's waist. He, and Dule Hill, and Corbin Bernson too, can eat all the fried broccoli they want. The last episode of PSYCH wasn't so smashing, but I don't blame it on dietary issues. QATFYG: Are you keeping up with Psych? And who is hotter, James Roday or Maggie Lawson? (Trick Question but idk why) PS: If you have heard any more news on Roday and Lawson becoming Roday-Lawson, send it...

No Time to Fuck: The Goldfrapp Essay

Konnichiwa! This is Irina Cummings and I'm here to discuss one of the most brilliant, innovative, and creative artists in the entire history of mankind: Goldfrapp – or as I like to call them , GODfrapp – the fantastique, highly inspirational, and sometimes criminally overlooked electronic music duo from London consisting of Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory, whose godly music has certainly influenced the vast majority of today's synthpop ladies, including Lady Gaga, Little Boots, La Roux, Annie and Florence + the Machine (not electro but still worth your while). They're primarily known for their mind-blowing music (which have spanned pretty much every style of electronic music – and some non-electronic as well), their abstract, sexually ambiguous – at times forthright – lyrics which are often not gender- specific , and their elaborate shows, not to mention the amazing visual aesthetics of their work, conjuring images that masterly complement ...

An Open Letter to the Actress: Milena Govich

Dear Milena Govich, Hey, how are you? What is up? Well, I assume you might get 5-7 fan letters a week, but I hope the glitter on my envelope stood out to you. In all seriousness, I have not been the most loyal fan of your filmography, but in the opening credits of the 2006 show, “Conviction,” I got to see you in your underwear. Ever since then, I have been one of your most active online stalkers (not a crime in all states I think). In the next letter, I promise to include an underwear photo for you, so we'll be even. Milena, I remember even back to the days when you worked on one of those other 200 Dick Wolf projects you did...what was the name of that show? “Law and Order.” Yes, that was it. You made history as playing the first female lead detective on the “Law and Order” original franchise for your role as Detective Cassidy. However, I will have to note your performance was strongly tainted when Chevy Chase guest-starred and gave you the nickname, “Detective Sugar-Tits.” At leas...

The Useless Critic 2.0

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