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Open Letter to Jack White, mon ami

March 10, 2012


Dear Jack White, 
I suppose this is what I might become.


do you remember when I was in love with you? when I sent you my soiled panties and said "SEE, THIS, THIS IS LOVE?" well I never sent you my underwear, but I probably wouldn't hold it against me now. That being said:  I was mad about you as a freshman in high school. you were, the opposite of that boy on the bus, and of course no where near Gwen, but I thought there was something raw-sexual about you? I guess? You were brooding and pretentious, but not overly so. You were talented as all hell and when I saw you in the song that won my heart, "the Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground," well it was like the Devil himself signed my soul away. White Blood Cells is still one of my favorite albums- fast, to the point, punchy. Up until then, it was nothing like I had ever heard before.


Jack, I mean, if you had gone on tour back then and I had gone through my belated puberty that I apparently went through in college AT THAT POINT IN TIME, I think illicit terrible Cher "Gypsies Tramps and Thieves" things would have gone down. 


But Jack White- that was a decade ago. and I don't want to live in the past!


Since then, here is a shortlist of what has happened:


- the "garage rock" explosion, if you want to call it that, ended.
- the White Stripes broke up, while I was stuck in that miserable Detroit airport. JACK I HATE YOUR CITY.
- you formed the Dead Weather, a band that I never really liked all that much. despite having Alison from the Kills in it.
- you formed the Raconteurs. ehhhhhhhhhhhhh.
- you produced Loretta Lynn's album! LIKE
- you did some work with ICP! DISLIKE SO MUCH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU
- you dated Renee Zellweger. I am one of the 2 percent of people in the world that find her really attractive. I am the 2 percent.
- then you two split and you married Karen Elson. HOT.
- THEN YOU GUYS DIVORCED (as happens) and threw a party. ????


Jack, I worry for you. I think your mind is going. I think Alicia Keys called it.


Even worse:  you look like Bozo the Clown met up with Edward Scissorhands in a dark alley! Oh, Jack! my heart aches for you. the thrill is gone but I still care!!!


I watched you on SNL last weekend. Yeah LiLo was hosting but let's not open that CAN OF WORMS, Jack. Let's just not do it. You still played guitar commendably, you still sounded like the Jack White I remember fantasizing vaguely (emphasize vaguely) about. And your new song is not half-bad, so there's some promise!




Jack, obviously you haven't gone all Charlie Sheen or complete "sell out" (how dare I say it!) on us yet. WELL DON'T. PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. just like, go have a long discussion with Johnny Depp. seriously. because you're already kind of looking and acting like you work for Tim Burton already.


love,


Brittany


p.s. I have a lot of underwear to send you. take note! 

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