Episode
1: Turn! Turn! Turn

So
here we are again. Another summer, another season of True Blood. Much
like the previous seasons, this one spares no time in picking up
where we left off. Thinking back on it, so many people died in the
season finale. But let's dive right into the bloodbath, shall we?
Goes without saying there are MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD
Cleaning
Up and Breaking Down
The
episode starts off with vampires Bill and Eric cleaning up their mess
of Nan, a Vampire Authority agent. As Bill leaves a message for his
progeny, Jessica (so much more on her later), Eric cleans up the
gooey, bloody mess that once was Nan (on True Blood, vampires
turn into exploding placentas when they're staked, by the way).
Nearby,
Sookie has problems of her own. She's survived an attack by Debbie
Pelt, a skanky werewolf. The aftermath left Debbie's brains scattered
across Sookie's kitchen floor, and Tara—Sookie's best friend and my
personal nemesis—is clutched dead in her arms.
Also, Bill
and Eric know when Sookie's in trouble, but they choose not to come
to her rescue on account of her kicking them both to the curb. If
Sookie had her own terrible reality show, it would be called Denise
Richards Sookie
Stackhouse: It's Complicated. (Also,
Bill and Eric can’t really help, since they’ve just been captured
by the Authority.)
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Are we supposed to feel sad about this? Cause I don't. |
Lafayette,
Tara’s cousin, hears Sookie’s cries from upstairs, and races down
to find the grisly scene. After some “blah blah I’m sad,”
vampire Pam shows up looking for Eric. Now, let’s talk about Pam
for a second: she’s brash, she’s bitchy, she’s fashionable, and
she has the best lines on the show. Anyhoo, she’s nonplussed at
them crying over Tara’s cooling corpse (and I’m gonna go out on a
severed limb and wager the audience feels just like Pam). Sookie
pleads with Pam to turn Tara into a vamp. She refuses until Sookie
says she’ll owe Pam one. Can’t wait for that to come back on her!
The scene ends with Pam dripping her sweet, sweet, vamp blood into
Tara’s slack mouth.
Opening
credit sequence! I seriously love the imagery, and that song! “I
wanna do bad things to you” indeed!
In
another part of Bon Temps, Jason (Sookie’s adorable, endlessly sexy
brother) is having a lovely chat with his former
crazy-right-wing-extremist boss, Steve. Only problem is, Steve is a
vampire now. His fangs are like “twin hard-ons” says Jason.
Steve easily glamours (aka hypnotizes) Jason into letting him in.
Because vamps can do that on this show. Oh, did I mention Jason is
completely nude in this scene?
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Pictured: Steve and his "twin hard-ons" |
Over
at Merlotte’s—the only restaurant/bar in town—poor Sam is beset
by a pack of werewolves. He and another werewolf, Alcide, went and
killed a werewolf pack leader last season, and the pack is out for
blood. One of the wolves with the power to have perfect makeup even
after running through the woods as a giant wolf, tells her fellow
pack members to tear Sam apart. Luckily for Sam, he’s a
shapeshifter. He turns into a hawk and flies away.
At
Sookie’s, the gang get’s ready to bury Tara. No, no, don’t get
excited. You see, in order for them to turn Tara into a vamp, she has
to spend the night in the ground. Also, Pam is wearing an insanely
hideous yellow outfit. “I’m wearing a Wal Mart sweatsuit for
y’all,” says Pam with oodles of indignation. Lafayette and Sookie
get to burying Pam and Tara.
New
Dogs, New Tricks
Wow,
it’s only the first episode, and we get to see Sam naked! Now let
me say that I think Sam is ridiculously attractive. I mean, everyone
on this show is sexy, but I enjoy Sam’s rugged looks. So yeah,
turns out he flew to his girlfriend’s place. Luna—a fellow
shifter—is concerned, but not shocked, to find a naked Sam on her
porch.
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Janina as Papi. Ugh. |
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Janina as Luna. Much Better. |
Okay, back to this show. Perfect Makeup Shewolf shows up. Her hair is also falling over her breasts like Eve in the Garden of Eden. She annoys me already. Sam winds up taking the fall for the murdered pack leader, Marcus, in order to protect Luna and her daughter, Emma.
Jason
is still naked, still under the thrall of Steve. In an odd twist,
Steve frees Jason of his influence and tells him he’s a “gay
vampire-American.” Not only that, he’s been in love with Jason
all this time. Jason lets him down in his own dumb, adorable way. But
Steve isn’t happy; he’s got his double hard-ons at Jason’s neck
when Jessica comes swooping in to save the day. Probably one of
Jessica’s more bad-ass scenes.
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In his defense, I can't blame Steve. I'd do the same thing. |
So,
Bill and Eric are in the trunk of a car, on their way to die by the
hands of the Authority, when Bill has an awesome MacGyver moment. The
car explodes, Bill and Eric are bruised and bloodied but otherwise
okay. The vamp driver pulls a gun on them (a gun loaded with wooden
bullets, no doubt), but he’s staked by the car’s passenger, a
smoldering, British vamp by the name of Nora. Eric grabs her and they
proceed to make out. “She’s my sister,” Eric says to Bill. Oh,
you crazy vampires and your pseudo-incestuous sexiness!
After
burying Pam and Tara, Sookie and Lafayette take to the task of
cleaning up Debbie’s mess. Lafayette asks why Sookie didn’t just
call the cops, since it was self-defense. She says she could have let
Debbie live, but chose to paint the cupboards with her grey matter.
This one of the truest (no pun intended) moments of this episode.
Sookie did what the audience would have done. Everyone wanted her to
pull the trigger. Sookie didn’t want to live in constant fear of
this trashy psychopath anymore.
Back
in Vampireland, Nora explains she was going to spring Bill and Eric
when they had gotten closer to New Orleans. There are factions in the
Authority who are grateful to them for disposing of the necromancer
last season. Nora says they have to give up the lives they’ve
known. If either Bill or Eric come back to Bon Temps it will mean
her death. Clever/blatant foreshadowing, maybe? They wait out the
day in an empty truckbed container.
In
the morning, Sookie drives Lafayette to his home so they can dispose
of his boyfriend, Jesus, who went and got stabbed by a possessed
Lafayette. Man, there are a lot of bodies to clean up in this
episode! When they open the door, Jesus is nowhere to be found.
Lafayette is understandably distraught, so Sookie leaves him for a
moment so he can say goodbye. What follows is a heartbreaking scene
with just Lafayette, not knowing how to live without the love of his
life.
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Awww, I love these two. |
Oh
Yeah, There are Other Characters, Too!
Oh
hey, it’s time to check in on the other supporting cast! The
sherrif of Bon Temps, Andy, just spent the night with Wiccan
waitress, Holly. I think this is the first we’ve seen him in the
buff and, I must say, Andy has a cute ass, and a surprisingly nice
body. Holly’s adolescent sons show up early, and are as shocked as
I’m sure we all were to find a naked Andy in their mom’s bed
(it’s a studio apartment, BTW). The one son says one of my favorite
lines when they find Andy’s pants “on the couch, mama? Where I
sleep?”
Meanwhile,
over at Arlene and Terry...zzzzzzzzz Oops! Sorry, I fell asleep at
the mere thought of these two. So, Terry’s friend and fellow
soldier, Patrick, stops by for a visit. He seems oddly concerned when
Arlene mentions their house burnt down last season during the
annoying devil-baby and ghost storyline.
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Arlene and Patrick show concern over the possibility of an interesting storyline. |
Oh,
look, Sookie’s in the shower! Woohoo! Sorry everyone, no naked
Sookie just yet. Instead we’re treated to a flashback of Sookie
getting picked on and Tara coming to the rescue. So, that happened.
She leaves Lafayette to his own devices in the bath, where he takes
his bottle of Patron. It’s like a security blanket, since it’s
with him in almost every scene. He sits in the tub, and notices a
razor. I swear to god if he tries to kill himself...(don't worry, he just gives himself a haircut).
Knock-knock!
Who’s there? Alcide. “Just what I fucking need,” Sookie says
under her breath as she opens the door. He comes over with some
shocking—and to those of us who’ve been watching, exciting—news.
Russell Edgington is baaaack!
But
let’s leave that to stop in on Jason and Andy, stuffing their
mouths at Merlotte’s. There’s some odd scene between Andy and
Judge Clemens, who I’m pretty sure we’ve never seen before. I can
already feel myself rolling my eyes at whatever story they’ve
cooked up for them. Also, Jason and Jessica are a thing, I suppose,
and Jason’s BFF Hoyt is pissed about it because he used to date
her. Yawn.
So,
I know in my prequel post, I listed Lafayette as a character I loved
at first, but now the spark is gone. Well, that might change this
season. As Alcide tells Sookie that Bill and Eric lied about actually
killing Russell (they sealed him in cement), he pleads for her to
come stay with him, where it’s “safe.” At this point, Sookie
almost tells him that she killed his former fiance, Debbie, but
Lafayette comes downstairs and is none too happy. Lafayette fucking
stares down the seven-foot angry werewolf man. He’s had enough of
supernatural assholes jerking them around. And this is why I loved
Lafayette way back in season one. He’s not afraid of anyone. Not
even Herculean werewolves.
WOOHOO
PARTY AT JESSICA’S! AWKWARD MOMENTS FOR EVERYONE!
So,
while all this is going on, Sam’s been getting tortured by Marcus’
old pack. This older red-headed shewolf named Martha (but I will now
start calling her Bonnie Raittwolf), makes him a deal: if Sam shows
Bonnie Raittwolf where her son Marcus is buried, she won’t go after
Luna and Emma. Sam, nice guy that he is, agrees.
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I want to see Sam tied up, but not quite like this. |
Oh
hey, there's Nora and Eric, having hot, hot sex while Bill waits outside of
the truckbed. Just before either can climax, Eric gets a call from
Alcide.
So
while Bill is away, Jessica has the run of the mansion. And what else
is a young vamp to do but invite some horny college kids over? Also,
why does Jessica have green hair extensions?
Take a page from Pam,
Jess! Jason shows up and things just get awkward. He wants to go
steady with Jessica and give her a promise ring, but she’s like
nooo way Ima go over here and fuck college kids. (Okay, maybe not
word for word...)
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I know you can't see them very well, but gaaaah. |
So
here’s something interesting: Terry’s storyline might actually be
good! He’s in the back of Merlotte’s when [name] shows up.
Apparently everyone in Terry’s squad from Iraq have been troubled
by mysterious fires, and some of the squad are dead as a result.
Terry’s having no part of it, though. Color me intrigued.
But
back to the party. Now they’re playing Rock Band Guitar Singstar?
It kind of looks like one of those games, but they didn’t want to
pay any of the game makers. Anyhoo, Jessica’s warbling along to
“Cherry Bomb” and College Dude #1 totally steals Jason’s
thunder. But that’s okay, Sorority Girl #2 is more than willing to
go back to Jason’s cop car. But in a rare moment of...clarity?
Yeah, well call it that. Jason realizes he’s hung up on Jessica.
Waiting
is the Hardest Part
Grossest
moment of the episode goes to Bonnie Raittwolf and her pack. Sam
leads the pack to where Marcus is buried. As they dig him up and get
ready to kill Sam, Alcide and Luna show up. Alcide confesses it was
he that did the dirty deed. Some of the pack kneel to him (including
Perfect Makeup Shewolf), but Bonnie Raittwolf howls, turns into her
wolf form, and proceeds to eviscerate and eat Marcus’ guts. I
gagged. Thanks, True Blood!
Meanwhile,
Nora takes Bill and Eric to the docks, where a group of vamps are
ready to whisk them off to lord knows where. After a touching goodbye
kiss between Nora and Eric, vampires start exploding all around them!
Bursting blood sacks everywhere! Our trio is surrounded by Authority
agents with big guns.
Our
last scene of the episode is a doozy! Sookie and Lafayette have been
waiting for Pam and Tara to poke out of the dirt for some time. While
Lafayette goes to the house to grab them some food, Pam crawls out of
the ground to Sookie’s relief. But no Tara? Sookie starts digging,
eventually finding Tara’s motionless corpse. Lots of crying ensues.
But wait! Lafayette watches as Tara explodes out of the ground and
lunges for Sookie!
God, so many episodes end with someone/thing
lunging for a screaming Sookie, you could make a drinking game out of
it.
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Ooooh gurrrl, she look mad! |
But
What Did I Really Think?
Favorite
Moment (aside from Sam’s ass): Everything with Sookie
and Lafayette. Two characters that haven’t interacted much
recently, and it’s a shame, because they’re so good together.
Least
Favorite Moment: Andy and Jason at Merlotte’s. I don’t care
about the Judge, or pouty, whiny Hoyt.
OMG
Moment: Tara is a vampire now? I mean, I assumed that’s where
they were going, but I hope they do something surprising with it.
Tara has been so one-note ever since season three, and I feel like
it’s been a struggle ever since. The thing is, I want to like Tara,
but come on. She was raped by a vampire, so now she’s become the
thing she hates the most?
All
in all, I think it was a strong season premiere. What did you think?
Leave a comment below, and I’ll see you next week! #bonnieraittwolf
I need to watch this show!!!! EXCELLENT post Kurt.
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