Fight Like Siblings, Fuck Like Champions: The Season Premiere of True Blood

Episode 1: Turn! Turn! Turn

So here we are again. Another summer, another season of True Blood. Much like the previous seasons, this one spares no time in picking up where we left off. Thinking back on it, so many people died in the season finale. But let's dive right into the bloodbath, shall we? Goes without saying there are MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD

Cleaning Up and Breaking Down

The episode starts off with vampires Bill and Eric cleaning up their mess of Nan, a Vampire Authority agent. As Bill leaves a message for his progeny, Jessica (so much more on her later), Eric cleans up the gooey, bloody mess that once was Nan (on True Blood, vampires turn into exploding placentas when they're staked, by the way).

Nearby, Sookie has problems of her own. She's survived an attack by Debbie Pelt, a skanky werewolf. The aftermath left Debbie's brains scattered across Sookie's kitchen floor, and Tara—Sookie's best friend and my personal nemesis—is clutched dead in her arms.

Are we supposed to feel sad about this? Cause I don't.

Also, Bill and Eric know when Sookie's in trouble, but they choose not to come to her rescue on account of her kicking them both to the curb. If Sookie had her own terrible reality show, it would be called Denise Richards Sookie Stackhouse: It's Complicated. (Also, Bill and Eric can’t really help, since they’ve just been captured by the Authority.)

Lafayette, Tara’s cousin, hears Sookie’s cries from upstairs, and races down to find the grisly scene. After some “blah blah I’m sad,” vampire Pam shows up looking for Eric. Now, let’s talk about Pam for a second: she’s brash, she’s bitchy, she’s fashionable, and she has the best lines on the show. Anyhoo, she’s nonplussed at them crying over Tara’s cooling corpse (and I’m gonna go out on a severed limb and wager the audience feels just like Pam). Sookie pleads with Pam to turn Tara into a vamp. She refuses until Sookie says she’ll owe Pam one. Can’t wait for that to come back on her! The scene ends with Pam dripping her sweet, sweet, vamp blood into Tara’s slack mouth.

Opening credit sequence! I seriously love the imagery, and that song! “I wanna do bad things to you” indeed!

In another part of Bon Temps, Jason (Sookie’s adorable, endlessly sexy brother) is having a lovely chat with his former crazy-right-wing-extremist boss, Steve. Only problem is, Steve is a vampire now. His fangs are like “twin hard-ons” says Jason. Steve easily glamours (aka hypnotizes) Jason into letting him in. Because vamps can do that on this show. Oh, did I mention Jason is completely nude in this scene?

Pictured: Steve and his "twin hard-ons"

Over at Merlotte’s—the only restaurant/bar in town—poor Sam is beset by a pack of werewolves. He and another werewolf, Alcide, went and killed a werewolf pack leader last season, and the pack is out for blood. One of the wolves with the power to have perfect makeup even after running through the woods as a giant wolf, tells her fellow pack members to tear Sam apart. Luckily for Sam, he’s a shapeshifter. He turns into a hawk and flies away.

At Sookie’s, the gang get’s ready to bury Tara. No, no, don’t get excited. You see, in order for them to turn Tara into a vamp, she has to spend the night in the ground. Also, Pam is wearing an insanely hideous yellow outfit. “I’m wearing a Wal Mart sweatsuit for y’all,” says Pam with oodles of indignation. Lafayette and Sookie get to burying Pam and Tara.

New Dogs, New Tricks

Wow, it’s only the first episode, and we get to see Sam naked! Now let me say that I think Sam is ridiculously attractive. I mean, everyone on this show is sexy, but I enjoy Sam’s rugged looks. So yeah, turns out he flew to his girlfriend’s place. Luna—a fellow shifter—is concerned, but not shocked, to find a naked Sam on her porch.

Janina as Papi. Ugh.

Janina as Luna. Much Better.

Fun fact! The actress that plays Luna was totally on the L Word. Janina Gavankar played Papi, a lezzie Latino playa. Yes, they cast an actress of Indian descent to play a Latino. Her performance on the L Word notwithstanding, I enjoy her as Luna.

Okay, back to this show. Perfect Makeup Shewolf shows up. Her hair is also falling over her breasts like Eve in the Garden of Eden. She annoys me already. Sam winds up taking the fall for the murdered pack leader, Marcus, in order to protect Luna and her daughter, Emma.

Jason is still naked, still under the thrall of Steve. In an odd twist, Steve frees Jason of his influence and tells him he’s a “gay vampire-American.” Not only that, he’s been in love with Jason all this time. Jason lets him down in his own dumb, adorable way. But Steve isn’t happy; he’s got his double hard-ons at Jason’s neck when Jessica comes swooping in to save the day. Probably one of Jessica’s more bad-ass scenes.

In his defense, I can't blame Steve. I'd do the same thing.

So, Bill and Eric are in the trunk of a car, on their way to die by the hands of the Authority, when Bill has an awesome MacGyver moment. The car explodes, Bill and Eric are bruised and bloodied but otherwise okay. The vamp driver pulls a gun on them (a gun loaded with wooden bullets, no doubt), but he’s staked by the car’s passenger, a smoldering, British vamp by the name of Nora. Eric grabs her and they proceed to make out. “She’s my sister,” Eric says to Bill. Oh, you crazy vampires and your pseudo-incestuous sexiness!

After burying Pam and Tara, Sookie and Lafayette take to the task of cleaning up Debbie’s mess. Lafayette asks why Sookie didn’t just call the cops, since it was self-defense. She says she could have let Debbie live, but chose to paint the cupboards with her grey matter. This one of the truest (no pun intended) moments of this episode. Sookie did what the audience would have done. Everyone wanted her to pull the trigger. Sookie didn’t want to live in constant fear of this trashy psychopath anymore.

Back in Vampireland, Nora explains she was going to spring Bill and Eric when they had gotten closer to New Orleans. There are factions in the Authority who are grateful to them for disposing of the necromancer last season. Nora says they have to give up the lives they’ve known. If either Bill or Eric come back to Bon Temps it will mean her death. Clever/blatant foreshadowing, maybe? They wait out the day in an empty truckbed container.

In the morning, Sookie drives Lafayette to his home so they can dispose of his boyfriend, Jesus, who went and got stabbed by a possessed Lafayette. Man, there are a lot of bodies to clean up in this episode! When they open the door, Jesus is nowhere to be found. Lafayette is understandably distraught, so Sookie leaves him for a moment so he can say goodbye. What follows is a heartbreaking scene with just Lafayette, not knowing how to live without the love of his life.

Awww, I love these two.

Oh Yeah, There are Other Characters, Too!

Oh hey, it’s time to check in on the other supporting cast! The sherrif of Bon Temps, Andy, just spent the night with Wiccan waitress, Holly. I think this is the first we’ve seen him in the buff and, I must say, Andy has a cute ass, and a surprisingly nice body. Holly’s adolescent sons show up early, and are as shocked as I’m sure we all were to find a naked Andy in their mom’s bed (it’s a studio apartment, BTW). The one son says one of my favorite lines when they find Andy’s pants “on the couch, mama? Where I sleep?”

Meanwhile, over at Arlene and Terry...zzzzzzzzz Oops! Sorry, I fell asleep at the mere thought of these two. So, Terry’s friend and fellow soldier, Patrick, stops by for a visit. He seems oddly concerned when Arlene mentions their house burnt down last season during the annoying devil-baby and ghost storyline.

Arlene and Patrick show concern over the possibility of an interesting storyline.

Oh, look, Sookie’s in the shower! Woohoo! Sorry everyone, no naked Sookie just yet. Instead we’re treated to a flashback of Sookie getting picked on and Tara coming to the rescue. So, that happened. She leaves Lafayette to his own devices in the bath, where he takes his bottle of Patron. It’s like a security blanket, since it’s with him in almost every scene. He sits in the tub, and notices a razor. I swear to god if he tries to kill himself...(don't worry, he just gives himself a haircut).

Knock-knock! Who’s there? Alcide. “Just what I fucking need,” Sookie says under her breath as she opens the door. He comes over with some shocking—and to those of us who’ve been watching, exciting—news. Russell Edgington is baaaack!

But let’s leave that to stop in on Jason and Andy, stuffing their mouths at Merlotte’s. There’s some odd scene between Andy and Judge Clemens, who I’m pretty sure we’ve never seen before. I can already feel myself rolling my eyes at whatever story they’ve cooked up for them. Also, Jason and Jessica are a thing, I suppose, and Jason’s BFF Hoyt is pissed about it because he used to date her. Yawn.

So, I know in my prequel post, I listed Lafayette as a character I loved at first, but now the spark is gone. Well, that might change this season. As Alcide tells Sookie that Bill and Eric lied about actually killing Russell (they sealed him in cement), he pleads for her to come stay with him, where it’s “safe.” At this point, Sookie almost tells him that she killed his former fiance, Debbie, but Lafayette comes downstairs and is none too happy. Lafayette fucking stares down the seven-foot angry werewolf man. He’s had enough of supernatural assholes jerking them around. And this is why I loved Lafayette way back in season one. He’s not afraid of anyone. Not even Herculean werewolves.

WOOHOO PARTY AT JESSICA’S! AWKWARD MOMENTS FOR EVERYONE!

So, while all this is going on, Sam’s been getting tortured by Marcus’ old pack. This older red-headed shewolf named Martha (but I will now start calling her Bonnie Raittwolf), makes him a deal: if Sam shows Bonnie Raittwolf where her son Marcus is buried, she won’t go after Luna and Emma. Sam, nice guy that he is, agrees.

I want to see Sam tied up, but not quite like this.

Oh hey, there's Nora and Eric, having hot, hot sex while Bill waits outside of the truckbed. Just before either can climax, Eric gets a call from Alcide.

So while Bill is away, Jessica has the run of the mansion. And what else is a young vamp to do but invite some horny college kids over? Also, why does Jessica have green hair extensions? 

I know you can't see them very well, but gaaaah.

Take a page from Pam, Jess! Jason shows up and things just get awkward. He wants to go steady with Jessica and give her a promise ring, but she’s like nooo way Ima go over here and fuck college kids. (Okay, maybe not word for word...)

So here’s something interesting: Terry’s storyline might actually be good! He’s in the back of Merlotte’s when [name] shows up. Apparently everyone in Terry’s squad from Iraq have been troubled by mysterious fires, and some of the squad are dead as a result. Terry’s having no part of it, though. Color me intrigued.

But back to the party. Now they’re playing Rock Band Guitar Singstar? It kind of looks like one of those games, but they didn’t want to pay any of the game makers. Anyhoo, Jessica’s warbling along to “Cherry Bomb” and College Dude #1 totally steals Jason’s thunder. But that’s okay, Sorority Girl #2 is more than willing to go back to Jason’s cop car. But in a rare moment of...clarity? Yeah, well call it that. Jason realizes he’s hung up on Jessica.

Waiting is the Hardest Part

Grossest moment of the episode goes to Bonnie Raittwolf and her pack. Sam leads the pack to where Marcus is buried. As they dig him up and get ready to kill Sam, Alcide and Luna show up. Alcide confesses it was he that did the dirty deed. Some of the pack kneel to him (including Perfect Makeup Shewolf), but Bonnie Raittwolf howls, turns into her wolf form, and proceeds to eviscerate and eat Marcus’ guts. I gagged. Thanks, True Blood!

Meanwhile, Nora takes Bill and Eric to the docks, where a group of vamps are ready to whisk them off to lord knows where. After a touching goodbye kiss between Nora and Eric, vampires start exploding all around them! Bursting blood sacks everywhere! Our trio is surrounded by Authority agents with big guns.

Our last scene of the episode is a doozy! Sookie and Lafayette have been waiting for Pam and Tara to poke out of the dirt for some time. While Lafayette goes to the house to grab them some food, Pam crawls out of the ground to Sookie’s relief. But no Tara? Sookie starts digging, eventually finding Tara’s motionless corpse. Lots of crying ensues. But wait! Lafayette watches as Tara explodes out of the ground and lunges for Sookie!

Ooooh gurrrl, she look mad!

God, so many episodes end with someone/thing lunging for a screaming Sookie, you could make a drinking game out of it.

But What Did I Really Think?

Favorite Moment (aside from Sam’s ass): Everything with Sookie and Lafayette. Two characters that haven’t interacted much recently, and it’s a shame, because they’re so good together.

Least Favorite Moment: Andy and Jason at Merlotte’s. I don’t care about the Judge, or pouty, whiny Hoyt.

OMG Moment: Tara is a vampire now? I mean, I assumed that’s where they were going, but I hope they do something surprising with it. Tara has been so one-note ever since season three, and I feel like it’s been a struggle ever since. The thing is, I want to like Tara, but come on. She was raped by a vampire, so now she’s become the thing she hates the most?

All in all, I think it was a strong season premiere. What did you think? Leave a comment below, and I’ll see you next week! #bonnieraittwolf