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The Dark Knight Rises: A Review, Two Ways

I'm sorry.

On a serious note, I would like to express my sorrow for the victims and families affected by the horrible shooting in Colorado. My deepest sympathy and thoughts are with all of them during what, I know from experience, is a heartbreaking and immensely difficult time.

So, I went to the Batman midnight premiere with two big fans of the comic book and previous movies, my comrades Bryce and Kim. Kim wore her Dark Knight cape and short-shorts. If you don't think she was every pre-teen boy's wet dream, you would be wrong. Bryce bought the tickets last week (before they sold out - all I think, twelve or thirteen theaters at Tinseltown in Erie!) and we actually made decent time, i.e. I wasn't running late for once. My friend emailed me from the Batman marathon that had been ongoing since 6 p.m. to tell me, at around 9:00 p.m., people were already lining up. D:

We went to Wegmans (HOLLA) on Peach and got snacks - sushi, gummi worms and sour patch kids for me, an enormous six-dollar bulk bag of candy for Bryce and a more modest sack of gummies for Kim - and then headed up to T-Town (that's what we call it in the hood). It was about a quarter after 10:00 and the parking lot was packed. We got our tix, got in line for MORE SNACKS and then were surprised when we were ushered right into theater 9, despite the line of surly teenagers standing along the wall near the bathroom (hai?).

Inside, I shit you not, the entire McDowell graduating class of 2015 had filled the theater. Aren't there laws that if you're under a certain age you can't drive after 11:00? Why do high schoolers like tweeting so much?

We saw some seats all the way in the back but got cock-blocked by some little turd with a bad attitude ("OH SORRY THOSE SEATS ARE TAKEN BY MY FRIENDS WHO ARE AT THE BATHROOM." really? I wanted to let Bryce snap him in half - SPOILER ALERT). So we took three seats, near the aisle, in the back of the most front seating area. Does that make sense? To me it does. They ended up being excellent seats, by the way, and more importantly, the three of us got to stay together.

It was 10:30. We still had an hour and a half before the movie started, and it was actually pretty satisfying just people watching. We had popcorn and candy and big cups of pop and my god, there are a lot of unattractive people in this city. But, that's neither here nor there. There are also a lot of wannabe stand-up comedians in this town, and they all came to the premiere with their very best material. (...)


When the previews started, everyone started geeking out and then everyone was like SHHHHH and I was surprised at how well-behaved the crowd turned for the next three hours.

1. I will not be seeing The Expendables 2
2. That new Oz film looks pretty cool even though James Franco is my mortal enemy AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT.
3. whatever, onto the movie


Oh, I forgot to mention, hours earlier I read the wiki article for The Dark Knight Rises so I knew everything that was going to happen. This is no way detracted from the film but it was fun threatening Bryce with spoilers.

We're in an airplane! Things are serious! And then this guy appears:

no wait, wrong one:

and I was all AWWWWW I bet Aiden Gillen wouldn't be in this movie if it weren't for Game of Thrones. I love you, Game of Thrones.

We get our first glimpse and uh, hearing, of Bane, who uh, hahahaha...I couldn't help myself, I laughed out loud (literally LOLed) when he talked. As the movie went on it was less of a thing, especially when you consider that it's all based a comic book, which I think gives the Nolan films the leeway to veer toward camp (BAM! POW!) in the midst of a lot of fuckin' serious shit.

Bane proves to all of us that he is EVIL and POWERFUL and we should be SCURRED. Bruce Wayne, on the other hand, isn't looking so good after eight years of retirement (I would like to interject here that it might be time for me to see American Psycho) and then Anne Hathaway/Selina Kyle near-completely owns his crotchety self which made me laugh and then I felt bad. It was like laughing at an old lady falling off her chair on America's Funniest Videos.

Anne Hathaway really stole the show. I know Britt says the same thing so depending on where my review is placed in order, I sound original or like I'm copying her, but I left the theater thinking what she says: Anne and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are the much needed "breath of fresh air" in the film, maybe partially on account of their youth, but also on account of their characters providing some: humorous, stylish action (Anne) and as much bildungsroman as you're going to get from a movie that might be 2:45 hours long but is stuffed to the gills with people (JGL).

this exists. I understand if you need a few minutes alone.

and sumfin' for da ladiez

And then guess who shows up! That little ginger jail bait from Atonement!

amo amas amat


And Selina does not like men threatening her friend.

Oh, and Marion Cotillard is French and beautiful and is perfect, but I'll let Brittany really expound on that.

Bane wreaks havoc, Batman comes back even though errybody hates him for "killing Harvey Dent," and somehow Commissioner Gordon still can't figure out that Bruce Wayne is Batman...? Did he get his criminal justice degree online or something?

Toys toys toys, a fun yet realized script and the explosion sequence, both within the stadium and around the city was phenomenal. As someone who lived in the p-burgh for a little bit and used to stand around downtown waiting for the bus to the Ross Park Mall, it was pure delight seeing the city in such a prominent way. Though for some reason, I was the only one squealing over it.

I'm such a turd when it comes to movies, and I'm incredibly gullible and responsive (a filmmaker's dream), so I felt desolate when all seemed lost, laughed out loud when the jokes didn't merit it, closed my eyes when it seemed like something slashy-violent was going to happen, brimmed with love when there was intimacy (seriously, how long do you think he lasted? it had been at least eight years since he last got laid) and cried like a little bitch. It is exhausting loving movies so much, let me tell you.

The end was really something special, hopeful, I will say, without giving too much away, open-ended to some extent, though I wouldn't want to be the director who comes after Nolan.

Two complaints:

1. Where the hell was that prison supposed to be?

2. THIS spent the entire film covered up by a nasty grille that made him look like Zoidberg:

come to momma

I give The Dark Knight Rises 9.85/10 knives to the abdomen.

Part II: Brittany

When I saw the newest Batman installment, I had one thought on my mind:

Marion Cotillard.

This was my mantra as I got my ass up at 4 a.m. on a Saturday and took an awfully long busride to see the Dark Knight Rises. Yes, I had my doubts about seeing it in the aftermath of such a horrid tragedy, but I came to the conclusion that I love Marion too much not to see it. Okay, this review is going to come off as creepy. Bear with me, I’m hopelessly infatuated. I’m like, um, Marcia Brady to Davy Jones.

The movie as a whole proves to be a great conclusion to the series that Christopher Nolan has treated us to. It’s not as good as the Dark Knight, yet vastly better than Batman Begins, which I found, and this can go on my grave, “boring as fuck.”

So, I arrived at the theater late to start my Marion countdown. And honestly, as sick as I am of hearing the hype behind Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle/”Catwoman” (note to you, plebian:  they never REFER to her as Catwoman), I think Hathaway knocked it out of the park. She’s sexy, she’s witty, she’s a total badass. I fell a little in unexpected love with Anne today, I’ll admit.


Christian Bale is broody and broken and I’m forever certain that there are two things altering my view of him. I think he’s a fantastic actor for the record and I often channel him on days when I feel bad. True story:

-          His incident with that person on his set (“DON’T LOOOOOOOK AT ME”)

-          American Psycho. Even though I find it entertaining now, it still creeps me (the fuck) out.

Michael Caine is purely absorbing as Alfred, giving him dimensions I feel he has never really shown before. And besides, who can hate on Alfred? D’awwwww!

Joseph Gordan Levitt makes an appearance as the peppy Jimmy Olsen-esque cop who brings Bruce Wayne back to life, more or less. JGL is just- impossible not to like. My god. I want him to have breakfast with me every Sunday for the rest of my life. He’s just so cute and sweet-seeming and endearing. And albeit this was a much grittier role for him, again, like Anne:  HE KIND OF STOLE THE SHOW.

Back story, in case Cara lies to you:  Bruce Wayne is in hiding after wasting his money on some go-green project that went to hell in a handbasket. Also, it’s eight years after the Joker’s reign of terror and Gotham is in some kind of uneasy peace. And for the record, when are these people just going to come out and say “it’s New York City?” Seriously. This has bothered me since I was six and my brother and I used to watch the animated series together after school. Memories.

Now, though, in a mix of Anne-Hathaway-and-JGL working their charms, Wayne is re-emerging into the public, a limping mess that realizes that his creation, Da Batman, has been missed by hoards of people, although Da Batman (DB) has been unjustly accused of killing Mr. Harvey Dent. Also, am I only the person in the world that misses Aaron Eckhart appearing in films? Holy mother of god that man is perfect. Seriously. I will always carry a torch for him:  HE LOOKS LIKE HE WAS CARVED FROM MARBLE. The Greeks couldn’t make that shit up. Aaron, call me. This has been a lonely weekend in Kempville. Moving on.

Okay, so now Marion has entered the set. I have this inkling Chris Nolan has a big fat crush on Marion, just like I do. Except mine isn’t a crush, it’s true love. Well anyway:  Nolan wouldn’t even start FILMING til she was available. That says something, folks, although she’s woefully underused and underdeveloped in this film. Like- the Marion character (note how I call her the “Marion Character,” because is there any other way? Let’s be real) is embarrassing at times. Embarrassing! Come on, Chris. You could have given the future Mrs. Useless Critic more to work with. Like, you cast that dude from SNL/comedies as a doctor but you can’t take the time to stretch out Miranda Tate. And I mean that, “stretch out.” And one sex scene? JESUS CHRIST. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME.

Marion’s character is not likeable, number one. At all. It’s weird:  I feel as if when I see her in a Nolan film she’s playing out some weird Nolan Freudian fantasy. Like this evil French-sounding woman who is incredibly hot. Am I comfortable with it? Not too much, no. Anyway, she’s billed as Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend, although she’s more like this business associate he sleeps with ONE time. It’s Selina and Bruce that have the chemistry of this film. It pains me to type that, but it’s so true. In a moment of frusteration, Selina kisses Bruce. And damn it’s hot. Those two should have gotten their own sex scene, and Marion should have been sent to me in a box, the end.

Oh, and there’s Bain, who you can’t understand even if you try. And his army of unemployed doofuses. The whole set-up of that is cool, I thought, especially in relation to classism and the recent “Occupy” movement, which has now become a stale joke. “There’s a storm coming,” Selina says to Bruce while they dance at the Charity Ball. Yes, but that storm has turned into a fart. Thanks, Selina. Thanks a lot.

The film as a whole is amazing, visually spectacular, well-written and the ending, I thought, was brilliant. It’s smarmy and I won’t ruin it for you. Suffice to say, I thought it was good. Plus! There’s room for more franchising!

Now back to my whole point. Marion Cotillard looks the best in this film when she’s in the snow post-Bain-takeover-of-Gotham. She rocks this winter outfit so well. Cara, I’m going to trust you to find a photo of it. So please find a photo of it.

Towards the end, as I’m sure you may have heard, Marion turns into an even more raging bitch. And, just to be honest, I thought she got REALLY unbelievable towards the end. Which reminded me to tell myself:  Brittany, you’re watching a movie about a superhero. This isn’t Hotel Rwanda, you stupid shit.

So! I went to this movie for the wrong reasons, but I don’t curr. Marion, I’m a Taurus, I don’t know what you are, but something tells me we are, in the words of Justin Timberlake a la Bad Teacher, “simpatico.”

Rating:  A-

Cara's Note:
I'm Marion Cotillard, I can wear a pea coat just like you!



god this bitch can rock coral lipstick


  1. man, Wegmans for snacks! I did that when I saw Public Enemies and my hershey bar melted on me.

    but I ate it anyway. melted candy RULES

  2. snacks at wegmans = high-class

    my purse was so full of candy it looked like I had three babies stuffed inside of it.

  3. You ladies are hilarious. A review that's FABULOUS! MOVING! and FUN TO READ!


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