Dear Jon, I'm sorry about all the peen drama lately.
I have no penis, nor do I like penis that much. However, if I had boobs, I could relate (I don't). I want to tell you how sorry I am about how the media just wants to gush about the bulges visible in your pants and whatnot. It's really immature and demeaning.
On the bright side, they could be saying worse things, right?
Like, "is that a toothbrush in his frontpocket?"
HANG IN THERE, BUDDY! YOU'RE A CHAMP!