True Blood: Of Gods and Assholes (and Laser Hands)

Episode 3

You're No Good

What's this? A timely True Blood recap? Scary, I know.

Eric & Pam & Tara—Eric is about to ruin Burell’s daughter, Willa, when she tells him she knows things...secret things. Things like experiments. This intrigues Eric; he kidnaps her.

He takes her to Fangtasia. Pam is not pleased that he has a human in tow, no less the governor’s daughter. She wants to kill her, and Tara just wants to glamour her. In any event, neither of them think holding Willa hostage will help anything. But Eric yells at them to pack up; they’re leaving Fangtasia for good.

But first Eric wants info. Willa tells him all about the Camp, where they’ve been experimenting on vampires. She finds it disgusting. Pam and Tara are all packed up—with one sad cardboard box. “It’s just a bar,” Eric tells Pam, but no one believes him. Pam pleads with Eric to either kill Willa or glamour her to forget, either way, just don’t bring her with. Eric says that Willa is the only bargaining chip they have.

Anyone else think Eric is a little unhinged this season? He doesn’t seem to be thinking things through.

The gang heads to Ginger’s place, and after a comical “inviting” joke runs its course, they get to deciding sleeping arrangements. Eric takes Willa into Ginger’s swanky coffin, and sadly informs Ginger that, no, he will not be fucking her tonight. Or any night, really. That poor, mind-wiped woman. Oh well, she’s never not funny.

Pam protests the sleeping arrangement, but Eric yells at her that he doesn’t trust either her or Tara to not kill Willa. Fair point.

During the day, Willa wakes Eric up to have a chat. Turns out Willa’s mom had an affair with a vampire, and lives with him now in California

Cool story, Willa!

Eric is unimpressed at her attempt to convince him she’s pro-vampire. She notices he has the “bleeds” (when a vampire is up during the day, they bleed from the effort of staying awake) coming out his ears. She wipes some off on her finger and goes to put said finger in her mouth, but Eric stops her and puts it in his mouth instead. I guess they were going for “sexy” in this scene, but all I could think was that the blood was coming out of his ear. Out from the inside of his ear hole!

The next evening, Ginger answers Eric’s phone. The governor’s calling! It would seem that he wants his daughter back. Willa tells Eric that they’ll be tracing the call, but Eric assures her that his phone is “untraceable.” Sure it is.

Eric tells Burell that he intends to kill Willa after he gets what he wants out of her, which will be very soon. Tara—who was left alone with Willa—hears this and escapes with her. Say what you will about Tara, but at least she still has morals.

Pam and Eric go after her, but not before glamouring Ginger once more into stalling for them and then forgetting they were ever there. And we didn’t even get to see Ginger get traumatized this episode. I’m very disappointed in you, True Blood.

We’re also treated to a scene in the Camp, where they’ve brought in Steve Newlin, the former anti-vampire minister turned gay turned vampire turned gay vampire lover of Russel Edginton. Good times.

Steve is greeted by his ex-wife Sara, who is just full of poison and snakes. And that hair! She must follow the motto “the more gigantic and terrible the hair the closer to Jesus.” She’s there to essentially tell him off, and to let the scientists have their way with him. They ask him about Eric, and he’s more than happy to spill.

 

Sam—He and Lafayette wake up in Sam’s house, recovering from their werewolf beatdown. Turns out Nicole and her activist posse helped them inside after the attack. We’re introduced to Jess, Nicole’s boyfriend. This guy may as well be wearing a red shirt, or a sign that says “please kill me.”

Nicole apologizes for her crazy activist crap last episode, before Lafayette tells them to forget what they saw this evening and to get the fuck out.

They leave and Sam asks Lafayette to keep quiet about the whole thing. He offers Sam his help in finding Emma, but Sam is reluctant. But Lafayette wasn’t offering. Everybody needs help, and he reminds Sam about how he helped him when no one else would. “I is in,” Lafayette says.

Meanwhile, Alcide, Ricky and Martha are visited by the cops, who are investigating Emma’s disappearance. Alcide and Ricky try to stall the two officers, but they want to take a look inside. Ricky tells Emma to shift, and shift now. She comes off as quite the bitch, but we learn it’s sort of justified after the cops leave (having found nothing, just an adorable puppy). Ricky thinks it’s a terrible idea kidnapping Emma; the government is cracking down on vampires and it’s only a matter of time till they find out about them, too. But Alcide is the pack leader, and Emma is Martha’s granddaughter after all.

All the while, a stately owl watches over the scene. Methinks that might be good old Sam.

Later that night, Nicole and the activists pay a visit to Alcide and his pack. Bad idea. Real bad idea. Oh, and they’re filming it, too. They try to talk to them about joining their cause, but they aren’t having any of it. Then Alcide discovers the recording device, and all hell breaks out. Jessie and the other two activists are killed—called it!—in the chaos. While Alcide tries to reign in his pack, Nicole barely escapes, due to Alcide’s intervention. 

And Sam swoops in during the confusion and rescues Emma. He, Emma and an injured Nicole escape into the woods.

 

Andy—At the sherrif department, Andy looks at all the cool new weapons the governor’s office sent over. And Holly stops by, wondering if he’s going to enforce the curfew, since she’s been having some vampire problems at home. He offers to help Holly out . We also get to see Andy’s kids, now a pack of tweens. Oh, and he hasn’t given them names yet, but refers to them by numbers.

He takes Holly out to practice shooting, while his daughters hang out around “Fort Bellfleur” zapping toads with their “laser hands.” And Holly is still in love with Andy, but she won’t admit it.

The Stackhouses—Sookie continues to practice her magic faerie ball power, while Jason and “faerie grandfather”Niall talk Warlow. Jason gets a migrane and goes to get some painkillers (and shoves his gun down the front of his pants. Even I know that’s a great way to shoot your dick off.)

Niall senses Warlow outside and chases him around the woods, while Jason runs out and collapses. Sookie—who has been told to stay inside—goes to help her brother, and Niall teleports them all inside.

Grandfather is a little concerned about Sookie’s lack of fear in the face of danger. But danger is pretty much Sookie’s middle name at this point, and she tells him as much. But she wants to know why their family has been targeted. It’s because the Stackhouses are fae royalty, Niall says. I thought we covered this last episode?

Niall goes looking for Warlow, leaving the grandkids at home. He finds the faerie burlesque house, and it’s never looked better! It’s been trashed, fae blood is splattered everywhere, as well as some of Warlow’s sparkly, glowing blood. Niall finds a lone survivor, who tells him that a vampire broke through and slaughtered everyone. Duh.

In the morning, Sookie tends to Jason while he tells her about his hallucinations of their dead parents. And how they are total racists. So this explains why he was so raging mad in the season premiere, I guess. Jason is conflicted about his memory of their parents. Sookie says not to worry. Even though their parents had faults, don’t let that taint their memories. Or something.

Ben runs into Niall outside the faerie club, and takes a knee when he finds out he’s talking to the king of the faeries. Niall asks him back to Sookie’s place. Sookie has just had a little run in with Bill (see Bill’s section for that) and is thrown off by seeing Ben again.

They fill in Sookie and Jason about the massacre, and Sookie gets pissed when she feels Ben snooping in her head. She goes into the kitchen to clean up the broken dishes left over by her chat with Bill. Ben goes to help her, and I think they start flirting? They both realize they can feel each other when they read each others thoughts. I am hoping they will do a different kind of “feeling each other” soon. If ya know what I mean.

Niall senses a vampiric presence outside, and he and Ben go to investigate. Turns out it’s just Nora, who’s also looking for Warlow. But she runs away before they can question her.

Jason gets another migraine and collapses. What is up with this guy?

 

Bill—Now that he’s seen everyone dying the true death, Bill feels compelled to stop it. He is the newly appointed savior of vampire kind, after all.

As his first act as Vampire Pope, he decides to test his immortality by standing out in the morning sun. Jessica pleads with him not to, but he’s already gone outside. Bill stands, smiling, as dawn breaks—and then he promptly bursts into flames.

Jessica pulls him inside, douses the flames and holds him while he sizzles. Good job, sound effects team, for making that sound as horrible as possible. Good thing I wasn’t eating.

I...smell...delicious!

That evening, Bill is about to leave on a secret mission when Jess stops him. She wants to help, and after a convincing argument, he lets her. Seems he was going to find Prof Takahashi, the man that was instrumental in creating Tru Blood. Bill tells Jessica to wear something “inappropriate.”

And does she! Looking like a slutty, goth Catholic school girl, Jess easily seduces Takahashi. I am living for those stalkings, by the way.

Yowza. That is all.

No wait, this is all.

Meanwhile, Bill pays Sookie a visit. She refuses to let him in, but he doesn’t need to be invited. That is cause for concern if anything is. 

Jason tries to stop him, but Bill uses his vampire telekinesis on him.

Turns out he’s stopped by to get some of Sookie’s blood—surprise—but she refuses for some reason. Sookie throws some dishes at him, and pleads with him to leave. 

“You’re dead to me Sookeh,” Bill says as he leaves. Jason falls down the stairs when Bill releases his hold, and Sookie rushes to his side.

Later, Bill is walking through the cemetery at night, when sherrif Andy pulls up in his squad car. There’s a curfew in town, but Andy doesn’t feel like enforcing it since it’s Bill. 

They have some small talk—or so it seems. Andy mentions he has kids now. This makes Bill smile for some reason...wherever will he get his faerie blood now?

I have to admit, I am liking this season so far. Then again this is only episode 3, so there's plenty of time for them to ruin it. For the time being they seem to be focusing on fewer storylines, which I think is a good thing. Last season was a plethora of stories I didn't care about.