DISSECTING YOUR HOLIDAZE: Halloween Style

I did a Christmas one a long time ago, so here is my follow-up. I am older and more jaded now, so excuse me if my youthful exuberance has vanished. And I know that I said I didn't want to post more right now, but I'm attempting to do it because it makes me feel better. 2013 has been hard. I am hoping 2014 holds something more promising for me. God knows what that is, really.

I know, I KNOW: they are speaking IKEA.

Chapter 1: The Background

I live in Collegetown USA now, so no one really decorates. They are all too busy being drunk and having sex.

BRA? BRA?!!?!?!

I only have the first thing in common with them.

What I am writing about will be things from memory andddd what the Internet tells me is popular. The Internet has never lied to me.

Chapter 2: The Costumes

When I was very little I went as the Cookie Monster for several years in a row. Then I went as a fairy, then Casper the Ghost, then Robin from Batman & Robin, then I went as Darth Vader. My sister took me trick-or-treating. Some dude was like, and I think in retrospect he was hitting on her, but he was all like "HOW CUTE! Taking your little brother trick-or-treating." ...

As I got older, I realized Halloween was less of a holiday to be SPOOKED by and more of a holiday for girls to embrace their inner whore. Even if all other 364 days a year, they are a whore.

Every costume can be made into a slutty costume, with just the right amount of effort and elbow grease. But don't ask me! Crowdsource Pinterest under the hashtag "#regretful Halloween blowjob."

See, for instance, TEACHER:

I feel like I would have gone to Harvard if all my teachers were like this.

SHEEP:

...Anonymous Dead Woman in Body Bag?:

You could also just make your cat a slut:

MEOW

Chapter 3: Decorations

I always have loved Halloween garbage bags. Do you realize Halloween the only holiday with its only official garbage bag? Why don't we get any Thanksgiving turkeys?!?!?!

You are now trying too hard.

You could also use some pillowcases and cotton balls to set up a weird display of ghosts:

If all else fails, there's always that GOOD OLD fallback, the INFLATABLE. This one is of a ghost giving birth to a cat:

Chapter Four: Getting Scurrd! BOO

Are you throwing a Halloween party? Congratulations! I hope no one secretly hates you.

Here are some ideas for a SPOOKTACULAR good time!

Tell scary stories!

This can be anything from vampires to demons, to the existence of Kristen Stewart, to the government shutdown, to predictions about the economy, to various chapters of "Raptured by the Raptor."

Have drinking games!

Have each guest at your party discuss their BIGGEST fears. Then, drink tequila afterward. Or rubbing alcohol. Only conclude when someone gets alcohol poisoning. (Note: This can be easily substituted for a game of Apples to Apples).

Watch scary movies!

Happy Halloween! Don't eat too many gobstoppers!

"Mon Soleil" - Ashley Park

If there's anything people take away from my piss-poor legacy, I hope it's what a huge, unabashed fan of "Emily in Paris" I am and will continue to be. People love "90 Day Fiancee," "The Bachelor," and other garbage - allow me "Emily," which is at least harmless, kind of goofy fluff (which does, unfortunately, lean into some stereotypes, as the country of Ukraine knows ). I have already watched Season 2 twice. And honestly my favorite part of this show (despite my crush on Camille Razart and Lily Collins channeling Audrey Hepburn hardcore ) is Ashley Park. This woman has superstar written all over her. She's a bona fide Broadway star, and "Emily in Paris" has served as her pivot into the zeitgeist. "Emily in Paris" is also showcasing her vocal prowess front and center this season, with her covering BTS, "All By Myself," "Sympathtique," and Marilyn Monroe. But the real standout performance is th

Appropriate Holiday Gift Ideas for the Single Lady

While some people may see it as a drag, there are plenty of benefits to being single during the holiday season. During this time of the year, there are tons of parties you can attend that you may not have had the opportunity to if you were in a relationship. There’s also not as much stress on you as a single gal during the holidays because you don’t have to shop for your partner and extended family members or stress over where to eat Christmas dinner. Not everyone sees the bright side of being fancy free during the holidays, and, tragically, they aren't afraid to let us single ladies know. Not only are single women subjected to even more harassment and ridicule during the holiday season, they’re also given the most obnoxious gifts by those who can’t comprehend how anyone can be both happy and single. Whether it’s a self-help book (desperately) trying to reinforce how great is to be single or the gift of a year-long subscription to Match.com , single women are presented with

Give JR a Break

Recently, I've been reading some sites that have criticized James Roday, the lead actor on the USA show PSYCH for an apparent weight gain. But you know what? Who gives a flying fizzle stick if James Roday is slightly larger than he was 4 years ago. Apparently, it wasn't enough to scare away his current girlfriend/ co-star Maggie Lawson. (Who is one hell of a Catch!) And NO they are not engaged. That seems to be nothing more than a rumor, but there is a very high chance of it happening in the near future. Anyway, as long as PSYCH continues to entertain I don't mind about James Roday's waist. He, and Dule Hill, and Corbin Bernson too, can eat all the fried broccoli they want. The last episode of PSYCH wasn't so smashing, but I don't blame it on dietary issues. QATFYG: Are you keeping up with Psych? And who is hotter, James Roday or Maggie Lawson? (Trick Question but idk why) PS: If you have heard any more news on Roday and Lawson becoming Roday-Lawson, send it

The Useless Critic 2.0

Search This Blog