The Useless Critic 2.0

Buddy Holly! Who could have been bigger than Elvis if he hadn't died WHEN THE MUSIC DIED. THOSE ARE SOME BIG GLASSES (happy halloooween)

A few days ago, I caught wind that one of my childhood heroes was reaching the 40 mark in her life. NO ZOOEY IS STILL SAFE, and I secretly anticipate the day I turn 40 with much eagerness.  I'm talking about Winona Ryder obviously if that picture didn't tip you off. Yes, Noni, the symbol of Generation X, the star of Reality Bites  and Girl Interrupted , the sometimes klepto, the OLD SWAN in Black Swan , is middle-aged. To me, and countless others, I'm sure she'll always hover somewhere between 16 and 28. I would just like to take the opportunity now to say WHAT happened to Alec Baldwin. damn! age, you cruel mistress! My personal favorite Winona moment is basically everything about Girl Interrupted  which I see as a prelude to the craziness that is Black Swan . I would really love for this girl to make a proper comeback. It seemed like it was about to happen with Black Swan  but then came the shitstorm of The Dilemma. Yup. Not happening anyti...

mine, ahem: "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah"- Tracy Jordan/30Rock  (question:  HOW MUCH DOES IT SUCK WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR THIS SHOW TO RETURN? damn you Tina Fey!) "Thriller"- Michael Jackson (advice:  you should listen to as MANY DEAD CELEBRITIES AS YOU CAN on Halloween. Let's brainstorm: Elliott Smith, John Lennon, Mama Cass, Michael Jackson...actually, just have an Elliott Smith/Michael Jackson dance-off). "Vampire Girl"- Johnathan Richman (so much fun!) "Psycho Killer"- Talking Heads (BA BA BA BA) "Witchy Woman"- The Eagles "I Put A Spell On You"- She & Him cover (because we love Zooey DAT much. I wonder what she will be for Halloween? God, probably a pumpkin!) "Great Pumpkin Waltz"- Vince Guaraldi trio anything by the Smashing Pumpkins (but not when they began to suck) "Halloweenhead"- Ryan Adams Boys For Pele era Tori because BITCH CRAZYYYYYY "Party"- Beyonce, because let's as...

In honor of her birthday that was yesterday and her not being alive to celebrate and all, I present to you Sylvia Plath, the official poetess of the Useless Critic! The Beekeeper's Daughter A garden of mouthings. Purple, scarlet-speckled, black The great corollas dilate, peeling back their silks. Their musk encroaches, circle after circle, A well of scents almost too dense to breathe in. Hieratical in your frock coat, maestro of the bees, You move among the many-breasted hives, My heart under your foot, sister of a stone. Trumpet-throats open to the beaks of birds. The Golden Rain Tree drips its powders down. In these little boudoirs streaked with orange and red The anthers nod their heads, potent as kings To father dynasties. The air is rich. Here is a queenship no mother can contest --- A fruit that's death to taste: dark flesh, dark parings. In burrows narrow as a finger, solitary bees Keep house among the grasses. Kneeling down I set my eyes to a hole-mouth and mee...

 They've up and done Lewis Carroll proud. All In the Golden Afternoon are the husband-and-wife duo of Carlos and Rachael. They've been touted by the AV Club and have performed for SXSW, among numerous other feats that are sure to increase over time. And they're in a band with their significant other. That in itself is cray-cray! They're based out of hipster central Austin, Texas and are bound to only get bigger than that. Yeah SXSW! INTERVIEW ITSELF So explain your musical philosophy! Carlos: Philosophy! I come from a very songwriter-oriented background, and it has been increasingly important to ensure cliches concerning the nature of songs are completely avoided. When rachel and i compose songs, we rarely bring a completed song to the table. Many tracks are improvised from inception to the point of completion, each of us adding whatever the song needs. I was drawn to this idea through the music of nature and cities, where each of the independent sounds can be tak...

YES

I encounter this band a lot on the subway. Now platform musicians run the gamut from "annoying" to "want to kill" to "intriguing" and I can safely say that Sistine Criminals are in the latter category. They have kind of a ska/jazz/classical sound which is fairly unique anymore!  I began seeing these guys enough time that my old idea of interviewing subway musicians (something that's been interesting to me since I got here) finally gave way and I hit these guys up for an interview about where they came from, what drives them and their hopes for the impending future (yet the future is always impending). What's your backstory? GREGORY:   In 2004, Me and Aaron met in Boston on Newbury St while he was busking. I was just a Berklee student passing by but I was drawn to his sound so I waited til he had a second to exchange contact info. At the time I was studying to become a jazz drummer while at Berklee College of Music and my favorite musician was J...

I don't know why I wrote that as the title, but I recently watched my first episode of Halloween Wars on Food Network. Allow me to put up some of my junk (food). 1. You can't touch this. I love Pumpkin Carving and Halloween Decorations, so I was pretty giddy. It wasn't a bad show. However, it had about as much excitement as "Cupcake Wars," and there was not an overwhelming sense of personality in the contestants. Once I saw the low bar they set. I was determined to dominate anything they could possibly create with a homemade cookie kit from Wal-Mart. 2. Beat This! 3. Giggles By the way, please watch a repeat of "Iron Chef: Halloween Candy." Now that is more exciting than a barrel full of sweets. QATFYG: Do you ever show people your goodies?

I really hate to post too much about LiLo, but she keeps taking over my news. Now, after her days at the morgue are numbered, she is turning to PlayBoy and has agreed to pose totally nude. It is one tough Job Market. QATFYG: Are you excited? I'm not, but I might google it. Furthermore, look below, and you can see an official Lindsey Lohan Halloween Costume for sale on Amazon.Com. Are you surprised that it is only $14.99? Is there something I'm missing here? WHERE ARE THE LEG WARMERS BITCH? Just think though, in about 13 months, we'll get to see Michele Bachmann in PlayBoy. Someone is gonna be desperate for cash.....real soon.

Today the title belongs to HELEN OF TROY, who may have started a big war. question:  REALLY PARIS? REALLY?

Snip, snip. The silver shears sliced through the long ropes of brown hair. Snip snip snip. The dark current unraveled from across his eyes. Charles Switch watched the people on the street as they passed by the large window of Franken Brothers Barbershop. He looked down and saw the noon sun trace the tufts of hair as they fell to the pale speckled floor. An old radio in the corner wept out “Midnight Love in the Summer” by Richard Blair. Marty Franken, as he introduced himself, stood and nodded. Diving back into his work, he started making small talk. “I'm really glad you're ditching this gawd awful lanky ‘do.” A thick accent gelled over his words. “It just isn't right, my hair was never like this.” His voice rippled with concern. Marty Franken replied with a grunt and continued cutting at his long drab hair. The low whir of the barber pole could be heard outside. Inside, the shop was empty, just the two men casually chatting. Never would I let my hair get this long...

Obviously, as the advertisements have stated, it is NOT FOR WOMEN . But lo and behold. such is my weakness. I tried it. I had to. It is who I am. And how is this new macho diet soft drink? .... I don't see much of a difference. Really, I don't. I could tell you more. But then I'd have to kill you. And your friends. We don't want that.

Celeb Stuff page is now updated, and on a similar note, check out Lohan's Halloween costume. QATFYG: What the hell is this supposed to be? Michelle Rodriguez's Girlfriend? Or just an ordinary whore?

Lightning People is by far one of the more unique and interesting reads I’ve stumbled across in recent memory. The book represents the first tentative footing for novelist Christopher Bollen, the editor of Interview magazine as well as a respected freelance writer.  He’s off to a good start, it seems! Maybe Lightning People resounded with me a lot more than it might for some others because of the back-story Bollen has put into his fictional work, one taken from his own life, as many writers do. Being:  Bollen is not a New York native, despite becoming a fixture on the scene, he’s actually a Midwesterner. Like the protagonist of the novel, a struggling actor named Joseph trying to outlive a family curse. They both claim Ohio as their homes (I claim Pennsylvania, so that struck a chord with me). New York, in the days post 9/11, has become both their adopted homes. Speaking via email, I told him the book reads like an “odd love letter” to the city. Apparently, I was not al...

?-2011 So it looks like Momo Gaddafi is no more. Now US President Barack Obama is receiving praise for participating in the events leading to the death of the former Libyan leader. The Right Wing and the critics of the president place Obama under fire for almost every single thing he does...such as low numbers in job creation, limiting resource development, poor handling of the US economy, and the situations in Afghanistan...but some of them are now even raising glasses in his honor. No joke: it was on Fox News. He even received praise when he assassinated Al Awlaki, the Arab American in Yemen. And most notoriously when he took out Osama Bin LazyBones. Gaddafi Anwar al Awlaki Bin Laden Obama apparently is only good at killing Arabs. QATFYG: Are you surprised ?

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BOTH FITZGERALDS, who are both dead and from different ends of the 1940s! There's something beautiful yet scary by this damned literary match. Lots of drinking, lots of partying, lots of writing that deteriorated with time. Then a heart attack and a fire at the insane asylum claimed their lives. Don't ask me if Zelda was talented. DIDN'T KNOW HER. Basically, they were the substantial LiLos of their time, almost. oh my god LiLo does your brain even work? UGH WHATEVER F. Scott, one of the best writers of the old century. Here's one of his best-known short stories, Bernice Bobs Her Hair. “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”  - F. Scott

dis my book http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/brittnik WHY YOU SHOULD BUY IT: because all proceeds go to P.O.W.E.R.S INC IT IS 99 CENTS

Pesky looters of my mid day sun. Looks like rain shouting high on the horizon. Empty the prayer box for the secret grocery list space endeavor. Super sonic black matter clogging the cosmic drain. Soul saving special payment denied. Expired coupon clippings bury the landfill of children's hopes. Shrink wrapped potatoes sprouting third eyes in silence. 100% recycled parchment rolls. Spoils of war listed and taxed for the hungry. And I still have to drive home.

I know this has been in absentia lately, but forgive me, life's been a mess! Anyway, Phil Hartman was GREAT. did you know he was into art prior to his comedy career? aw shucks, me neither. Newsradio  was such a good show. The 90s were the golden age of the sitcom. RIP.  statement more than a question:  I don't really like Andy Dick! 

This Post is Dedicated to Those on the Internet that just will not Let Things Go. After mentioning the phrase “like a boss” last week, I was inspired. I confess, the original idea came from someone on youtube….someone who pointed out just how absurdly boss the life of OJ Simpson really is. Allow me to elaborate: NFL Superstar – Like a Boss Break 2000 Yards – Like a Boss Eric Dickerson – Like a Boss Fail on SNL – Like a Boss Bitchslap Leslie Nielson – Like a Boss Three Straight Movies – Like a Boss Loads of Cocaine – Like a Boss Kill my Ex Wife – Like a Boss Fight a Jewish Man – Like a Boss Like Mortal Kombat – Like a Boss With only one Glove – Like a Boss Slit my Dead Wife’s Throat – Like a Boss Cruisin’ in my Bronco – Like a Boss Gun to my Head – FUCK IT I CAN’T DO IT A Year in Prison – Like a Boss Pay for Cochran – Like a Boss Robert Kardashian – Like a Boss Glove don’t fit – Like a Boss You Must Acquit – Like a Boss Moonwalk out of Prison – Like a Boss Lot’s of White Women – Like a ...

  I sent Satellite Stories an interview request last March. that's a lifetime ago! but according to some logic, March and October are KIND OF the same. so then I was drinking and thinking to myself, when I saw them on my Facebook newsfeed, that I should be like HEY YOU NEVER RESPONDED and see what happened! other bands that have ignored such requests: - Lykke Li (not a band) - Mila Kunis (not a band) - Passion Pit (a band)  well, they were nice enough to send me back answers, so thanks, you sweet Finnish boys!  CHECK OUT SATELLITE STORIES IF YOU HAVEN'T YET I MENTIONED THEM BEFORE and here is what these Finns on the rise- think fast, Two Door Cinema Club like indie rock- had to say to me. please note some of these questions are outdated! OOPS!  you have on your myspace that you were the most blogged about Finnish band in 2010. so I'm taking it 2010 was a very big year for you? Satellite Stories:   2010 seemed like a big year, but 2011 was way huger tha...

Mitt Romney How are you? This is Mitt Lisa Jame: am fine and you too Mitt Romney: Yep I was just squeezin my helmet, turning it purple. So what's going on in Nigeria? Lisa Jame: everything is fine over here where are you from Mitt Romney: USA you dumbass. I grew up in michigan, but I lived in massachusetts for some time.Now i want to live in washington DC Lisa Jame: what is your full name Mitt Romney: Mitt Romney Lisa Jame: ok what do you do for al iving how old are you where do your parent live Mitt Romney: well, I was a business man, but i wasn't so hot at that...so i am looking to enter a new field...maybe politics...rofl My dad was a politician in Michigan, he helped get most of my jobs. Ok, so do you have a husband? Lisa Jame: not yet Mitt Romney: Do you know what mormons are? Lisa Jame: what Mitt Romney: Ok you'll fit right in So what are your wildest dreams? Lisa Jame: to become some one good in life and you Mitt Romney: lmao to be honest, I want...

Notice the white sheets ;)

There is a brand new "Be Useful" up on the pages, so I'll just send this one out into the open. As the end of October approaches, on All Hallow's Eve we will also encounter "Sight Night." This is a function that is conducted by the "One Sight" program, an affiliate of Luxottica. QATFYG: What is Sight Night? From the One Sight webpage: Each year on Halloween, we encourage ghosts and goblins of all ages to trick-or-treat for gently used prescription glasses and non-prescription sunglasses. Glasses collected during Sight Night are recycled and hand-delivered to adults and children in need in developing countries during OneSight Global Clinics. The website also provides information on spreading the word with promotional materials, and there are also decorations for creating a "Sight Night" Donation Box to collect gently used prescription glasses or nonprescription sunglasses. Source: http://www.onesight.org/na/get_involved/onesight_events/sig...