The Useless Critic 2.0

People in Scandinavian/Baltic countries and Europe and immigrants and people in Fitzgerald short stories LOVE tomorrow. I don't really care. but I love that month (even though it looks rainy and dismal for the first part, at least). so this post serves as a "celebration." OPEN YOUR MIND. May is big for me, I turn 23 and get to go to a few cities and possibly have a big job interview again. I try not to get my hopes too far up, because I'm used to having my hopes' wrists slashed for whatever reason. FOR SOME REASON, I've been thinking a lot about Mexico. that makes no sense. I'd love to go to Mexico but I understand I might die. :/ for the time being, I will settle for the weekly El Canelo excursion ( HOLLA I LOVE YOU) as my Mexico interaction. here are some songs about Mexico to get you thinking about Mexico: I still need to hear their new album! and a band from Finland, Satellite Stories, has a song "Mexico" which I really like but c...

So after hours upon hours of high-thrilled dancing and gratuitous face painting all good things must come to an end. The Royal Honeymoon with Algerie Nader eventually would lead to the morning after. Then, for Kate and Wills I would play this last song. "The River of Jordan" courtesy of Peter,Paul and Mary and this rendition from "Airplane!" Oh yes, this is appropriate. I traveled the banks of the River of Jordan To find where it flows to the sea. I looked in the eyes of the cold and the hungry And I saw I was looking at me. I wanted to know if life had a purpose And what it all means in the end. In the silence I listened to voices inside me And they told me again and again. There is only one river. There is only one sea. And it flows through you, and it flows through me. There is only one people. We are one and the same. We are all one spirit. We are all one name. We are the father, mother, daughter and son. From the dawn of creation, we are one. We are one. Every ...

I swear this priest was in the Little Mermaid! CONGRATS FROM THE USELESS CRITIC this is what I got for them:

January Jones is prego. Lykke Li's new video is out: SHE'S SO PRETTY IT HURTS. also, Lykke Li is supposed to be dating Tyler the Creator. there's a bit of an age gap, there. it's like me dating a thirteen-year-old. not that I'd ever do that. >_> .............. <_< anyway, 4 AM WAKE UP CALL TOMORROW I'M LIVE TWEETING @brittnik YOU KNOW IT sleep well KATES AND WILLS

QATFYG: What would they think if Kate Middleton asked for a chocolate wedding cake? I would have wanted her to have this one. Why ? Because it is black chocolate. And Black Chocolate reminds me of intercourse. BAM!

So during my future encounters with the Royal honeymooners, we will have been listening to "Rainbow" and drinking Red Bull for nine hours during the daylight (behind opaque curtains). Next without rest, Kate, Wills, and Algerie Nader (that's me) will paint our faces like smarmy goth types and listen to this song from Rihanna, followed by another nine hours of drinking Red Bull and smacking. Na na na na Come on Na na na na Come on Na na na na na Come on Na na na na Come on, come on, come on Na na na na Come on Na na na na Come on Na na na na na Come on Na na na na Come on, come on, come on Na na na na Feels so good being bad (Oh oh oh oh oh) There's no way I'm turning back (Oh oh oh oh oh) Now the pain is my pleasure cause nothing could measure (Oh oh oh oh oh) Love is great, love is fine (Oh oh oh oh oh) Out the box, outta line (Oh oh oh oh oh) The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more (Oh oh oh oh oh) Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at i...

This is like Where's Waldo, the celebrity edition. my favorites? Elijah Wood, Chloe Sevigny, and the brief shot we get of Amy Poehler. PLUS:  it's a genuinely good track. PLUS: TED DANSON! RASHIDA JONES! A++++ also:  Beasties have a song out with Santigold. ! I actually remember where I was when I discovered them (Beastie Boys). I was 9 and in the car with my brother and "Intergalactic" came on and he explained who they were to me. when I figured out what they looked like (nerdy Jewish kids) I was like, OH MY GOD I CAN BE A RAPPER NOW TOO. intergalactic planetary closing thoughts:  Elijah Wood is adorable. can I put him in my pocket and use him as a vibrator? (it's been a long day y'all)

So this is not a foresight. It is more of a daydream. This is what would happen if Kate and Will brought me along on their honeymoon for postmodern reasons. Oh no, there is no third wheel. This is more like "The Three Musketeers." Once the three of us were alone, we would get really messed up on Red Bull and listen to this. Gates of Babylon -- by Rainbow Look away from the sea I can take you anywhere Spend a vision with me A chase with the wind Move closer to me I can make you anyone I think you're ready to see The gates to babylon The power of what has been before Rises to trap you within A magic carpet ride a genie maybe more A city of heavenly sin Sleep with the devil and then you must pay Sleep with the devil, the devil will take you away Oh gates of babylon You can see but you're blind Someone turned the sun around But you can see in your mind The gates of babylon You're riding the endless caravan Bonded and sold as a slave A saber dance removing all the veil...

There are RUMORS circulating about it. RUMORS. but it's been way too long:  Feist, plz. also:  the new Lollapalooza line-up? I AM ALL ABOUT THAT . Feist - One Two Three Four (Live on Letterman) by nono_the_bean

So guess what? I am going to be spitting out a few pieces of valuable product information to help the worldly economy, and I am doing this all for free. Why not start with Royal Wedding week? It is time to get your Royal Wedding merchandise and souvenirs. For the person who has everything, they can have this William and Kate cube-sculpture crafted by lasers that is fairly priced at $38.00. You can purchase this William and Kate iPhone sleeve, so the next time you sext, you can sext with an iPhone that has "William and Kate" written on it. For 57 dollars you can have Kate Middleton's sapphire engagement ring. Copied and pasted. "Kate Middleton's Sapphire Engagement Ring. Sterling silver, platinum plated lab created diamond ring. Sizes available (i-V). FREE Delivery: UK: 1-5 working days International: 5-10 working days." ****It does not say anything about this being a replica, so that means it is her actual engagement ring, and it is only 57 bucks. Lastly, i...

So, I know you're all probably heart-broken that the RHOC thing fell through; I can't even remember what day that show is on now. Oh wait! Sundays. Huh. My main MO in life thus far has been starting things and not finishing them, so GUH-BUY Gretchen. I'm moving on/up. I bring you now a secretive secret of secretion (...): the royal wedding of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. Here's what you probably know: Henry VIII needed a male heir, his first wife, Catherine (I persist in the 'C' spelling because her name would have been 'Catalina' in Spain) of Aragon was pretty much spent (something like four or five pregnancies, two miscarriages, a stillbirth, a prince - born on New Year's Day - who lived for a few weeks before dying and one child who made it to adulthood - Queen Mary I), HenHen was dicking around with Mary Boleyn and then her feisty, witty sister Anne showed up and the royal lover was smitten. Fast-forward six years, Henry has completely change...

so sometimes I write for this other entertainment blog and last night I was like I WANT MINDLESSLY GOOD NEWS DO YOU READ ME MINDLESS. (this is what I picked and I'm going with it) well this week is already a big deal because it's ROYAL WEDDING 2011 WEDDING OF THE CENTURY, but let me present to you the dark horse couple: that's right A-ROD AND C-DIAZ ARE GETTING MARRRRRRRRRRRRRRIED also I pitched the idea for a "royal wedding" week and it's gonna happen. HAPPY EASTER CONGRATS CAMERON, CONGRATS A-ROD (as much as I love Madonna, and I do, Cameron's so much hotter ftw) p.s. that's him and Kate Hudson! wtf STOP PUNKING ME INTERNETS

First of all, I cannot believe this happened. Second of all, what a genuinely nice girl! In January, for some bizarre hyped-up reason, I thought I could email Taylor Swift for an interview. Then, one night, I came home and LO AND BEHOLD SHE RESPONDED. I'd like to very much thank Taylor for taking the time to do this, and her record label, Big Machine. I'm not going to post a photo, because I have no rights to any photos of Taylor Swift whatsoever. But you can easily Google "Taylor Swift" and find a lot of photos, to fill that need you have. 1.) You just finished with a huge world tour, correct? What were your favorite spots on the tour? (I believe you went to Norway, Belgium, etc) I just finished the first part of the tour in Asia and Europe, and it was just unbelievable. I got to sightsee a lot, which is one of my favorite things to do because I’m such a tourist and I like to take 1000s of pictures and record hours of videos. I’d never been to Norway or Be...

First Dan Rather, now this?

Courtney Cox:  I have nothing better to do with my career. might as well make another one of these! David Arquette: Is that okay baby? I'm going to be doing blow off the production tech de whole time. We have an open marriage, right? Courtney Cox:  Um. I have to make a phone call. (speed dial #6:  Jennifer Aniston) GHOSTFACE *watching in background*:  WAHHHHHHH Sarah Michelle Gellar:  I totally died in one of these films and haven't been in much since. BRB I'M GONNA GET HACKED TO DEATH IN THE SHOWER NOW *goes to shower* *is hacked* GHOSTFACE:   Yes the shit is raw, comin at your door Start to scream out loud, Wu-Tang's back for more.` funeral scene NEVE CAMPBELL:  I was supposed to be giving an eulogy but all I feel like saying is I'm dating the guy from the Old Spice commercials. That's it. RIP Sarah, you were so good in Buffy.  Courtney:  This all feels very 1997. David:  Right? Hold on baby, I'm going to go sl...

At the hipster haven this past weekend. sigh. one day I will go to Coachella, and YOU BITCHES ARE JUST GOING TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER. I'll be like, on my smart phone:   Kirsten Dunst and I just vomited together. omg, when is Passion Pit and MGMT going to show up for the pee-stained orgy? WHY IS THERE A PBR IN MY HAND? white people problems, indeed. I have no idea about this new song, btw. NO ONE DOES (except hipsters and I'm just a fraud). Cut Copy announced a show in Pittsburgh on July 11th at Club Zoo, which sounds either gay or like an U2 tribute. here is a song I've had in my head all day: the VOICE better save her or she's a loster cause than Charlie Sheen's kids. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SANDRA

you are welcome.

Hailing from nearby New Jersey, Tru Fam is a hip hop/pop group (made of identical twins-!!!) that are actually pretty fond of the Useless Critic. and they will be featured in 2011's Vans Warped Tour. that is a HUGE deal in case you are not aware- I mean, a lot of notable bands and performers have been featured on that circuit throughout the years. They have performed in a variety of distinguished venues in their career...Six Flags, Stone Pony, Crocodile Rock, etc., all in different corners of their tristate region, even in New York City. They overcame "the negativity of streetlife" to find glory (and their calling) performing. They cite the work of Jay-Z and Notorious BIG as some of their inspirations. They seem to have a lot going for them and definitely will make it ahead in the business (from what I know- I'm not a pro at this, but you know what I mean). so go ahead and check them out: and their latest You can visit them at their website: http://www.t...

The Kanzius Foundation is one of the more exciting things to come out of Erie in a long time. And the cause it supports- I mean a groundbreaking cancer cure, come on- is something basically everyone can get behind. so if you haven't done so yet, you should fan them on facebook http://www.facebook.com/KanziusFoundation because for every fan they get they are donating $1. April is their "Repeat the Wave" month and they are trying very hard to meet a quota. so part of my job at the moment is forcing Facebook fan pages upon innocent people. I know it's annoying but it's what I have to do. however I don't think it'd be terrible or tragedy-inducing of you to take some time and simply show your support for an extremely worthwhile cause.

Hello Middle of Spring, and prepare for something Asiatic. Dombra The stringed Dombra/ styles of Western Mongolia, Watch this player. He creates quite the entertaining arrangement. This song holds a touch of bitterness, but really, it has a feeling that winter is gone. Yes, winter is gone, but it still rests in memory. Ulytau – Turkish March This take on Mozart comes from a group from Kazakhstan. You can hear some occidental violin playing, but with some folkie touches. The jovial transition into Spring. This is the heart of the post. This song from Laos is the pure epicenter of springtime. It is the emotional horizon of sensual music. It is soft, passionate, and most importantly, it gives the feelings of rebirth, life, and pure bliss. Shahrizoda – My Sorrow I try to fit Shahrizoda (Uzbek origins) into all of my Asian Music Parties, and I really wanted a reason to post this song. The chorus is extremely addictive, and this song just holds the quality that reminds us that Spring will l...

A while ago, AWM posted about Frank Ocean , who is pretty good in a chill way (I've since checked him out). Check out the Weeknd from Toronto, who is basically, more or less, THE SAME THING. I was sold when I read the last.fm comments about him. apparently you should have sex to this guy. also he doesn't know how to spell the Weekend. but he samples Beach House and Chris Isack. IF YOU LIKE:  pained sex pain during sex crying during sex THEN

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kav0FEhtLug&feature=topvideos_entertainment I think it took too long! but it was cute, generally.

As of yesterday, our dear Lady Gaga released her second single from her big new album that will be out this May ("Born This Way," her eponymous kick-off, which the radio is now playing to death and back). Cher tweeted (raved) about how much SHE LOVED THE TRACK. I am on Lady Gaga's email list (yes) so I got the link to the free download. Allegedly free anyway- every time I click to download, I'm prompted to itunes to PAY FOR A DOWNLOAD. And no, no, NO. sorry Gaga but times are tough right now. Before I went ahead and did the nasty deed- like sexing a dog- I got other people's feedback. Because I, as an American and a pseudo-hipster, do not think for myself. I rather have other people do this (note: I am also a middle class white girl, go ahead and make your judgments). People said varieties of the same thing: plays on a theme. Gaga is doing what's she done before, essentially. It's not a sin. It's not a crime. (now I feel like I'm writing her lyri...

Bright Eyes, that Justin Bieber before there was a Justin Bieber, that Elliott Smith/Gram Parsons/Ryan Adams/Bob Dylan soundalike, father of emooooo, is doing a free concert in Buffalo come July 27th. I may go to this, but it depends. question: DID YOU WATCH 30 ROCK LAST NIGHT? WAS IT NOT AMAZING?

So this is a show that is hardly new to the world. "Hawaii Five-O" has been on the network for quite some time, and the Alex O'Laughlin remake of this classic is getting a lot of viewers. I happened to catch my first episode just the other day, and I was left with this one single impression. Grace Park from Hawaii Five-O is really HOT!! I know I am writing this like Captain Obvious, but this is definitely the number one reason to watch this show. QATFYG: What show do you watch only because the actors are hot? Are you going to respond with "The City?" Because they are not really.............oh, just do whatever you want. How do I make a Hawaiian Pick Up Line? "So do you want me to put a Glaze on your Spareribs?"

as of May 1st, thanks to Finnair. URSULA, YOU CAN NOW TAKE THAT TRIP YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED.

Hello World, I just encountered something from the not so distant past. "VH1" once did a series called "Top 100 Awesomely Bad Songs," or something of that nature. I forget the actual title, but I do remember they picked the number one most awesomely bad song as this one from "Starship"....seen below. But I will change their game around a little. Instead of awesomely bad songs. This is just the worst. I will publicly declare that this song from "New Kids on the Block" is the worst song of all time. VH1 mentioned it on their countdown, but it was like number 15 or something in that range. "Hangin Tough" It is arrogant. It is synthetic, and it lacks all the qualities of true songwriting. This is a mastersh*t that tries so hard to show off, and all it does is ramble on into detest and lack of heart. Every lousy pop song that was written since then is because of this song. QATFYG: Can anyone find a song or music video worse than this?

So it is about time that I wrote the s/s for Steven Wright. He is monotone, and his voice is deep, but for a comedian he probably makes me laugh the most. He is been in my posts from days of way back when, but it is about time he earned a single-standing and landing the spotlight. I have been a fan of Steven Wright for a long time, and one of the things that attracted me most to his comedy was the fact that he is weird as fu*k. His jokes are strange, and the ideas behind them show the absurdities of life, and they also reveal the flaws of existence. It is like "A Wrinkle in Time" except instead of a novel, it is literally a "Wrinkle in Time." Hmmmmm....that didn't go over too well. So I will just add some of Steven's jokes. I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright Someone sent me a postcar...

caption this plz.

so I've been seeing a lot of stuff about the Royal Wedding flooding the mainstream media lately. I mean, the people in the media seem to be going apeshit about April 29 th , which isn't really that far away. which I get: it's a big deal. and I'm kind of excited about it. but I mean, like in a passive way. like I feel about the Superbowl. like I feel about most elections. I mean, I'll watch it on TV, you know? probably at a bar. probably wearing a tiara. probably holding a poodle and calling it "precious" and weeping about the fact that I will probably never ever find love. anyway! my feeling is though most Americans DO NOT care. my feeling is though most Brits (that are not me) DO NOT care. I have a few British friends so I've asked them. and the one said he didn't care and the other said that Battle of Los Angeles was a bad movie. and I was like, no shit. SO DO YOU CARE OR WHAT

so growing up, one of my friends had it bad for Sonny Moore from the band I never really listened to called From First to Last. seriously I'm not posting a video or anything...google them if you are very interested. screamo or something like that. she really had it bad for him though. like I think they traded semi-nude pictures on MySpace or something crazy and totally 2005 like that? anyway, I always thought after my experience with this girl and her adolescent obsession that he just faded into the same kind of oblivion which has claimed half a dozen other pierce-lipped heartthrobs. WRONG! HE'S STILL AROUND! AND HE'S SKRILLEX! whatttttttt I see Skrillex all the time on the Hype Machine charts. and I've listened to him a few times and found him kind of interesting. I like dubstep to an extent...I'm not sure what it is besides washing machines having a seizure that you can dance to. but my god I did not expect SONNY MOORE to be doing dubstep! craziness. so what do yo...

Hello World off of the Dark Continent. I had a mission this year to bring the Useless Critic to Africa, and I think thanks to my efforts we had 30 views from Algeria that were not me. Well, all I can say is.....try again next time. This continent has potential, but as for now....Africa is missing out on the Useless Critic like wicked hard. Maybe it is because this blog involves reading. Reading sure as hell is not popular here. QATFYG: Do you have a favorite African story?

I have a confession to make. I started watching glee. I told myself I would never watch this show. It seems (seemed) stupid and whiny and adolescent. Ok, it still seems stupid. In the past two days, I've watched nine episodes. So help me, the only show I watch with such ferocity is weeds, and no show will ever be as good as weeds. So let me break it down for you: It's a glee club... with a pregnant cheerleader, a boy with a disability, a girl with a fake stutter, the quarterback of the football team (and his cronies), a diva, another diva, some other cheerleaders, and yet another diva. The glee teacher, who is also the Spanish teacher, is expecting a child with his wife who is only pretending to be pregnant, but he's in love with the guidance counselor who is engaged to the football coach who only wears short shorts. Are you getting all this? And they sing about everything. Is this making sense? The first season is on netflix. Just go watch it. I needed something to fill th...

Sidney Lumet, who has had a directing career as old as time, died today at the age of 86. He was responsible for classics such as Network and 12 Angry Men. Most recently, he did Before the Devil Knows You're Dead in 2007. RIP Mr. Lumet! I'M MAD AS HELLLLLLLL.... question: favorite Lumet film?

Music from Frank Ocean, when he went by the name Lonny Breaux. This is not an official release from Frank, instead a compilation mixtape (compiled by @IAMKRIS24) of 64 songs previously unheard. Follow @frank_ocean @UPCblog @djgasic

Chris Nolan, Christian Bale and Anne Hathaway will all be in the city this summer. or something like that? yes, something! I am so going to find a way be an extra in this film. I don't care what I have to do. It's going to happen. JOIN ME

okay so it's well-known by now in some circles the fondness I have for current television news anchors. I mean, I'll be frank with you, right now it's all about Diane Sawyer for me. I love her. not in a creepy "I want her" way- although she is a beautiful older woman- she just calms me. I want to hug her and have tea with her. that kind of way. but Katie was my first love. Katie was the first person that I saw on the news who made me feel like despite the world falling apart around me, it would all somehow work itself out. the knots would come undone- the sky would not cave in. I would not be killed by anthrax or a hijacked plane. get what I'm saying? Katie was very much a big part of my life in the years between being 9 and 15. When I got to high school, the morning show love affairs stopped. I couldn't watch Katie and Matt and Al and Anne anymore. God I bet other people have the same memories I do. I remember Al when he was still fat; I remember when Jo...

This is probably my favorite free mixtape so far this year, and I didn't see any on YouTube, so I figured I'd upload it and share it here, too. Only rapper I've heard namedrop Napoleon Hill and the Federal Reserve. Get the tape free here. I'm also kind of into that new Soulja Boy 1up tape, but don't tell anyone.

Start your morning with some "Wham Bam Thank you Glam." QATFYG: How do you make things go glam? How do you make things go bam? Pick up Line of the Day: You remind me of Pebbles from the Flintstones, because I would like to go BAM BAM with you all night long. I am going to try this out on one of those Nigerian bottom feeders.

I am not useless that useless, anyway. well okay I KIND OF AM. what should we post about this week? I'm as dry as my pants. ASK CARA QUESTIONS BEFORE I HAUNT YOUR TOILETS. (question: are you also scarred to lick envelopes by Seinfeld ?) and it's baseball season! awesome, finally a sport I care about! college basketball = my attention span can't handle it...

I just want to say that this is the cutest thing. Give me a Pulitzer.

Recently , the up-and-coming Norwegian band " Mylittlepony " came rollicking through the American countryside in search of shows and etc. Buffalo (oddly) was one of the cities they hit upon on this trek. My man Billy Leland opened for them, actually! Anyway, band member Ola Innset was more than nice enough to answer a few questions. He shares the band's plans, differences between American and Europe and some interesting perspectives! 1.) You guys recently toured America! Was it your first time touring here and ho w was that? It was our first time, and it was a lot of fun! It's incredible to travel to the other side of the world and play your music for people. We got a lot of good feedback, and in fact we felt the feedback we got here in America was usually very detailed and to the point. We love hearing that we're "cute", or "funny" or "create a cosy atmosphere," or other things that we usually count as great feedback, but Americans s...

did anybody hear that song S&M by Rihanna? boy I would like to have S&M with her. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

April is now upon us, And I had a lot of fun working with the page “Nader's Guitarists of the Week" posting Irish guitar videos all March. Now, that April is in action, I am also giving this month a theme, and it will be all electric bass guitar videos all April. I love promoting solo bass guitarists, and in fact, that was the whole reason I created the guitar page. So All Electric / All April. QATFYG: Speaking of things electric, would you ever have sex with a robot?

I answered her Craigslist casual encounter ad. I knew after her break with Justin Long, she wanted the taste and warmth of a real man. naturally she sought me and my vagina out. We were headed to Jamba Juice, where she would be wearing one white rose in her hair and a coconut bra. I couldn't keep myself from fantasizing at red lights, while listening to the best of Kanye West on my tape player. oddly, it was one track. "LIkE HI BRITTANY," she said when I arrived, air-kissing both cheeks. "I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU SINCE-" all of a sudden, she exploded. and not in that good way that would have made me feel imperious in my sexual abilities. no: she exploded like a pumpkin on Halloween the victim of a juvenile's baseball bat. "JENNIFER ANISTON?" The more I gazed on the bard-less wonder in front of my emotional thunder, Suddenly, I had forgotten the image of the exploded pumpkin, and I now looked upon it as the peeling of an orange. (mmmmm) I...