The Useless Critic 2.0

(corniness ensues) You may not have heard of Chicago-based new wave/power pop band Hey Champ yet, but that's about to change. The band of friends from Princeton University are hot on the rise and by September, when people are like "OH I LOVE DIS BAND I READ ABOUT ON DE INTERWEBS" you can be like "oh hey! I read about them on the Useless Critic some odd time ago."  MTV just declared them a buzzworthy band and MTV is still kind of relevant to some degree.  Their EP "Anything At All" was released in May and is worth a few good 100 listens. It was produced by heavyweight producer Eliot James, who has previously worked with the likes of Two Door Cinema Club and Bloc Party, who you may have heard of.  Also, it's worth to say this:  they were discovered by Lupe Fiasco.  Saam Hagshenas and I recently corresponded via email about playing LOLLAPALOOZA (!!!) and amazing beer (BUDWEISER), and what this eclectic group of boys are up to next. Yo...

I don't get it. Why was I even on Yahoo!  anyway? How embarrassing!  this should be a post about Google trying to destroy Facebook (see this ) but it's not. I am seeing Cults, Health, No Age and Ceremony later. should not be able to hear tomorrow. 

Sizzle Boom Bang, it's Wednesday (it's not yet Wednesday), and that means the throne is open for coronation. Sort of. This Spotlight/Shoutout goes to Orlando Jones. Why? Because he used to rule the world, and now he sweeps the streets he used to own. Orlando Jones was once a name that was all over the globe {Goin' Global). "Make 7 Up Yours." Yes, he tried to sell clear fizzy bubbly sodas with a slogan that was somehow related to peoples' butts. I don't know how that gets you famous, but this guy made it that'a way. I do remember the Orlando Jones Show, which for a time was in the moodswing of "Happy Hour" with what's his name? and even reminiscent of "The Arsenio Hall Show." And let's not forget "Double Take." In many ways this made Seventh-Grade Girls find him hilarious. "Double Take." Orlando Jones QATFYG: What are you going to do next?

There was one time in my life where I wouldn't have made the drastic decision to touch an energy drink. I remember when Red Bull emerged on the market and I was like "wtf is this shit.  NO OF COURSE I WON'T TRY IT; I'M A GOOD PERSON." I'm a really good person, y'all can attest to this. Well, go to last year, when I knew there was absolutely NO WAY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I was going to get through my morning American lit review (which was kind of interesting, just boring and so early!) without CAFFEINE. so I started downing sugarfree energy drinks. I started downing a lot of sugarfree energy drinks. I think I may have offset my heart rhythm. Now:  I have one a day. Especially because I've been off coffee like whoa, not willingly, but as a matter of laziness (and not knowing too many good brewers in my neck of the woods, because I'm not a Starbucks coffee fan, I just like the Americano). And God, I cannot function without caffeine. I just can...

So, on Facebook a local (to me) page called "We Are Barnsley" posted a status update that rather annoyed me. Usually they report on local news, about what schools are closed due to strikes, what traffic problems there may be. You know, stuff that might help readers. Then yesterday they posted: Dear McDonalds staff on Old Mill Lane. I know you are people too and not just there to serve us lunch...but do you REALLY have to sit outside in a huddle outside and smoke where all customers can see you?! As a nonsmoker that has just really put me off... In a following post after the group got blasted for being (in the words of the posters) snobbish and pig ignorant they tried to defend their claim by talking about hygiene and how the smoking area was mere feet away from the drive through window where the food is given to the customer. I work at this McDonald's, and I am indeed one of the offending smokers (Yeah, quitting didn't go so well for me.) This one corner, whi...

Miley Cyrus MMG 1100 Glendon Avenue Suite 1100 Los Angeles, CA 90024 USA Yes, it is true. I now live on Miley Drive. The world’s most dedicated Miley Cyrus lowlife (That’s Me) is now by chance living on Miley Drive in Anchorage Alaska. I will respond to this by saying. I used to have two fish in a bowl. One was named Tang, and I forget the name of the other one. But Tang died during the first night. It was at that time I knew that I could not be like Tang. There might not be a tattoo of a dream catcher on my ribcage, but I learned that life is about Destiny and Hope, and you have to somehow keep all the negativity associated with our solar system out of your gravitational field. Yet, you have to find a way to do this without trapping yourself in the bowl like Tang and not surviving your very first night as a stranger in a bizarre messed up land. Now that I’ve left the first footsteps on this warm and soon-to-be-cold ground, I am forced to wonder if I’m walking toward something on the “...

http://whatscaseywearing.blogspot.com/ Because you were wondering, too.

Last night, while you were in the gay boat that kept blasting rave music across the East River (a quiet and peaceful and beautiful night and BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM), an asteroid nearly nicked the dear old Erf. Actually I don't think that was the right time; I think it was somewhere within this morning, while I was falling and out of sleep .  Apparently this asteroid was a weakling that would have only caused some massive fireball. BIG WHOOP, DIDN'T THAT HAPPEN IN THE 1900S IN SIBERIA ANYWAY.  question:  if an asteroid were to hit the Erf in the near future, would you hope it would hit a Real Housewife or Michelle Bachmann? think fast!

Do you like My Morning Jacket? If not, LISTEN TO THEM. They are a fantastic fucking band and I am constantly surprised at how much I love them and just want to hug Jim James' big bear body for making such great albums. I first got into them after I got into Monsters of Folk (a band Jim James was a part of along with M. Ward, Mike Mogis and Conor Oberst), and now I consider them one of my favorite bands. It just suxxx that I missed them in LA last week. How could I do this to myself???? Here they are performing on Conan last week. They are performing my favorite track from their amazing new album, Circuital . Did I spell that right? Oh well. I should care. But anyway. Here it is: It helps that Adam Levine and Nick Kroll are on the show, too. BUT WAIT. What's that? Take a look at the awesome backing singers. I spy The Watson Twins. And look at that!!! Becky Stark from Lavender Diamond and The Living Sisters!! These are also all bands/groups you should definitely check out ...

WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU LOVE US

So, we seem to be getting attacked by movies about the back stage life of bands and performers these days. Kings of Leon are set to release one, Justin Bieber released one (right there I'm against this concept, not to mention that it was in 3D, as if I want to see the 12 year old in that much detail!) and I never saw any adverts for it, but I saw on the news that AC/DC released one. I've heard people talk about how this is great, about how it gives artists a new medium to reach their audiences and that it gives the fans an unprecedented view into the lives of the artists. Fuck right off. What's creative about watching some bearded dude with jeans and a flannel shirt (I should point out now I don't like the Kings of Leon's music, and don't really know anything about the band, other than I hated what I heard on the music channels back in the days of Molly's Chamber) drinking beer, sleeping with hookers who's only charge is that they get to take the ...

For those of you that don't know, No Doubt confirmed their new album will be out before the year is over (FIONA APPLE YOU LISTENING THEY'RE BEATING YOU) and will have hints of Rock Steady  on it, as well as the influences of New Order and Depeche Mode. This IS HUGE NEWS FOR ME. Like, EPIC news. and that word is seriously overused BUT IN THIS CASE IT IS CALLED FOR. I have started a twitter campaign to get Robyn and No Doubt to tour together. I just think if Gwen and Robyn shared a stage, at some point, I could die of multiple orgasms and go to the afterlife with no regrets, like Edith Piaf sings about.  Onwards, let's dissect this song: If you bore me then I'm comfortable If you interest me I'm scared My attraction paralyzes me No courage to show my true colors that exist But I want to be the real thing But if you catch my eye can't be authentic The one's I loathe are the ones that know me the best.... conclusion:   - faking it - fak...

Strike a harp and join the caravan. On the website “KazakhAmerican.Skyrock.Com” we have been running through the foothills and Euro-kissing the coastlines of Spain. However, I am now engulfed and enclosed in a space reserved for Spanish Gypsy music. The term Gypsy is somewhat debated as politically incorrect, and the term “Roma” is often preferred. However, in the musical and historical context Gypsy is an acceptable term. Spanish Gypsy music differs from say “Hungarian” or “Romanian” Gypsy in the sense of major and minor. Hungarian Gypsy (in the musical context) pushes toward the major. The Spanish Gypsy scale/tuning is by far the minor of the group, and that means it carries some of the dark, sad, and eerie feelings of music. This piece on the bamboo flute captures eerie nature of Spanish Gypsy tuning rather fantastically. Gypsy music has been popularized on the violin in many circuits, especially if you watch the film “Liszt’s Rhapsody.” Here is a display of the precision of Spanish...

Bad Teacher (2011) 89 min., rated R. Grade: B - Move over "Bad Santa," there's a new bad apple (Bad Mrs. Santa?) in "Bad Teacher," a gleefully rude, enjoyably brazen if pretty slight comedy. Cameron Diaz may not be getting any younger, but there's still something about Mary, er, Cam that screams "Let's misbehave!" behind that wide Joker smile and smeary makeup of hers.  And misbehave she sure does, running with the role of antiheroine Elizabeth Halsey, an unapologetic, foul-mouthed, boozy, bong-hitting baddie who doesn't give an "F" unless it involves gold-digging. Once her sugar-daddy fiancee (Nat Faxon) realizes her true colors and dumps her, Elizabeth returns back to the Illinois school that she left before summer vacation to teach a 7th grade class at a bare-minimum work level. The thing is, she doesn't know much about teaching. She blatantly disregards the syllabus. She pops in movies like "Stand and Deliver,...

By Guest Writer: David Kinchen Carter Taylor Seaton's eBook "Amo, amas, amat...An Unconventional Love Story" It's also a page-turner that can and should be enjoyed by everybody: Northerners, Southerners, gays, straights, men, women. I mention the North-South divide because Seaton's novel is set in Asheville, NC and Atlanta, with side trips (by Nick Hamilton) to Charlotte, NC. There's a regional difference in the treatment by straights of gay men and lesbian women, with more tolerance north of the Mason-Dixon Line (with the exception of gay friendly Key West, a notably tolerant place which has been jokingly described as a drinking village with a fishing problem) and Seaton deals with this in her coverage of violence against gay men in 1980s Atlanta. After a prologue set in Atlanta in 1988, the novel opens in 1983 Asheville, where 33-year-old Mary Cate Randolph still believes, against all evidence to the contrary, that a Prince Charming will come her ...

Usually I go into much more detail with these kind of lists, but today not so much. I make a playlist every month! You can get burnt out doing this kind of thing!  Now it's officially summer- MIDSOMMAR or whatever to our Scandinavian/Nordic frands- so this is a little more in step with the time. As of June 21st- now the days will be getting progressively shorter and whatnot, but let's not think of that. CHILLWAVE "Summer Haze"- Manual "Good Vibrations"- The Beach Boys CLASSIC "Call of the Wild"- Florrie "How Do You Like Me Now?"- The Heavy "Rhiannon"- Fleetwood Mac CLASSIC "You Might Think"- Weezer (Cars cover) let me break my lack of words to say WHAT A SURPRISINGLY GOOD COVER. no it's not very different, but it's good, and Weezer needs to be good again. "Dancehall Queen"- Robyn "China Girl"- David Bowie "Saw Red"- Sublime featuring Gwen Stefani "Hot Mes...

Hello, my name is Ryan and I have a girlfriend now. This has been an official thing (or rather, she sent the request on Facebook, which totally makes it official) since Monday I think it was. I've been dating this girl for maybe a month or so, but it's not the same as her being your girlfriend, it turns out. I'm not sure why. We did, however, skip the "meeting" phase. I've heard people talk about how they're meeting someone, so of course I ask when and where and all the juicy gossip stuff, and it turns out meeting is a relationship status here now. From what I can understand, this thing is a little more serious than just hanging out, but not as serious as going on a date. I didn't know it was needed, but hey, the average relationship of a 15 year old has now increased to 4 days here so it must be working. But yes, Ryan has a girlfriend! She's a lovely girl. She's smart, funny, quiet and not a slut. I have not seen her naked yet, and it is...

So I encountered the novel, “Story of a Girl” by Sara Zarr at my local library because the title instantly threw that song into my recollection. I picked it up, and I saw that the cover read “Ages 14-17.” Meh, like that has ever stopped me before. So believe it or not, I got a real kick out of this book. It takes you into the life of Deanna, a girl that has her life transformed based on one thing. At the age of 13, she gets caught having relations with a teen named Tommy of 17, who happens to be the best friend of her brother, Darren. The novel really goes into how her life is slapped around, and she bears the label of Promiscuous like a scarlet letter. So with this novel, I felt it was very creative and well-written; however, there was one sort of feeling that really stood out to me. The MEN! We have Tommy – The somewhat badboy type, who robbed Deanna of her maidenhood. Darren— The older brother and father of one, who is searching for stability in his life. Jason—The...

For a band that describes themselves as "NewCountryPunkWave," Max and the Wild Things are certainly carving an interesting niche for themselves in the world of music. They've been compared to, by at least one critic, as " breezy Jonathan Richman-with-a-banjo approach to rock." They name Johnny Cash and the Misfits among their inspirations. (Where is Maurice!)  I first learned about them via the magic/wonders of last.fm. Struck by the name and then proceedingly hooked onto their catchy and charming songs, I sent a few questions over to Cole Traynor, their general manager. They were then answered by Aidan, lead singer/guitarist/banjo player. NO MONSTERS SPOTTED IN THIS BAND! W here did you get the idea for your band from?  The idea to form a band came from my brother, Cole. I was performing alone and he had recently quit his job as a traveling ale salesman. He bought bass and we found a drummer, then few more.  How have things been going for yo...

To be fair, I am not a fan of kids movies. Even when I was a kid I wasn't that much. I liked them, but I often gravitated towards the PG-slanted fare. Or, to be real with you, I made my parents rent The Royal Tenebaums . Which my dad hated more than anything I've ever showed him ("WHAT IS THIS SHIT.")  But the whole Pooh series, books and movies and TV shows, has always held a special place in my weird dank heart. probably because that's like one of my biggest memories of those very strange days before I started school and was stuck at home with my mom every afternoon. I watched a lot of Pooh. I read the books, or tried to. A.A. Milne wrote them because his son was sick, yeah? Or they were his son's bedtime stories. In Poohverse, as I recall, there is a big schism between what Disney perceived as his stories and the actual authentic stories. This happens whenever Disney touches anything, though. NOT SURPRISING. But I am not really a fan of Milne's Po...