The Useless Critic 2.0

way  too tired to post tonight. :(

Thanks to my recent interview with Anthony from www.TelemarketerTorture.com, I am rather new into the sport and art of scambaiting, and since I have a long history of being a jerk on the internet myself here is what happens when a woman from Ghana tried to date me. Anita from Ghana: Anita: Re: hello yes am always nice.so what u do for living Nader: why did you ask me that? why do you want to know what I do for a living? Are you trying to find out how much money I have? Because all African women ask the same stupid question. Even on my wall, you can see a woman asking me that question. Were you trying to find out how much money I have? Anita: Re: hello add me for talks florenceahonor@yahoo.com Nader: hey shithead, i asked you a question, were you trying to find out how much money I have? answer the damn question, Anita: Re: hello u dont understand english Nader: English is my mother tongue. I am not learning like you. Were you trying to find out...

Brittany made one and I got jealous.

Once in Philadelphia, I met up with the lovely girl from couchsurfing that became my angel over the next 12 hours. I'm not exaggerating. Please let me illustrate: girl:  you must be Brittany! me:  yup! thanks for meeting me here! girl:  what were you planning to do tonight? me:  sleep in the bus station, duh. girl:  let's go ask a security officer what you should do. me:  OK!  *we venture off to find a popo officer; a man of the law* officer:  YOU WILL DIE IF YOU STAY HERE OVERNIGHT. YOU WILL EITHER BE RAPED OR ROBBED AND I DON'T WANT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT. me:  *shits self* luckily, this insanely beautiful inside/outside girl took me back to her place across the city in a scary scary scary ghetto. I mean, someone on that street had a brother that was murdered, and the whole house was covered in pictures of him and like AVENGE HIS DEATH BROTHER WE WILL NEVER FORGET. this girl was really into couchsurfing, btw. the whole...

To put a long story in short form, I was in the need of something new. Therefore, I turned to interracialmatch.com To be even more direct, I simply wanted to meet some Indian and Pacific Islander women. QATFYG: Why Indians and Pacific Islanders? A: Because they are the two peoples of the world that have not yet let me down. Who does not want their coconuts cracked by a Samoan? I know going into this site that it would be a disaster, but I decided to walk through their free set up. It’s one of those places that says “Join for Free” and “Sign Up for Free.” If you are familiar with bullshit, that just means that creating your account is free, and the actual use of the account requires your money. That part was obvious, but still disappointing. Although, contacting other people is not a free service, and you have to upgrade, I was still able to search the people on the site. It wasn’t super surprising that this site has nothing to do with interracial dating at all...

Pretty sure that I can't recall half of this trip because my body doesn't know what to make of European alcohol. it's like oh, THIS IS NOT MILLER LITE? let's black out. then I wake up with some Belgian girl's bra and panties set. which isn't as spectacular or scandalous as it would sound:  I simply grabbed them in a drunken stupor. I gained a reputation at that ACCO hostel.... so let me put myself in the mindset of a year ago as Hurricane Irene embraces my adopted city. Step 1:  get to Baltimore, because Al wanted to fly out of Baltimore In Al's defense, the Baltimore airport is one of the best major airports in America to fly out from. it's very affordable. My sister flies from there all the time. The thing about the Baltimore airport is that it is BORING and all the way in Baltimore. Thus, on September 9th, I began my voyage from Erie, PA to the home of both Beach House and The Wire.  So how to get there? Greyhound was expensive as all shit...

before I tackle a 'The Help' review, I give you this: ...both of which I totally stole off of EW.com. Can Emma Stone and I have a slumber party and braid each other's hair and make prank calls?

I have published a book https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/84375 while I am still young and somewhat attractive, and before I go under water.  xoxoxoxoxoxox Britt

They are closely associated in my mind. They are like the essence of autumn to me, along with Andrew Bird and Beach House. It's like wearing sweaters and shit. But yeah. St. Vincent and Charlotte Gainsbourg are my melodic colder-weather music. I'd say Europop is definitely summer music, but on the other hand, when isn't Europop good? RIGHT.  EXHIBIT 1: Charlotte Gainsbourg - Terrible Angels   produced by Beck, this baby (EP) will be out September 6th. SWOON EXHIBIT 2: St. Vincent - Cruel Strange Mercy  in all its glorious entirety is available September 13th.  St. Vincent - "Cruel" I am jizzing in honor of both of these fine, fine girls. also, I might be MIA for a while. a hurricane is headed my way which might cut my electricity. alas, I WILL READ. :/

To be fair, I'm not sure what IDM exactly is. There was a boy I used to know who loved the stuff and when I ask'd JEEVES it (am I dating myself here?) all I found was the group "Jedi Mind Tricks." Enter Ulrich Schnauss, a German composer and maker of such music, with (what others have said) is a shoegaze-y hint. (if you like stuff like M83, etc) In the past, he's recorded under the aliases "Ethereal 77" and "A View To the Future." His first album was released in 2001, Far Away Trains Passing By. Weirdly enough, that title alone perfect encapsulates the soul of his music. Along his way, he's worked with numerous other musicians, such as Mojave 3, Engineers and A Shoreline Dream. His third album came in 2007 with Goodbye , which is my personal favorite. listen to the title track here: Now, he's working on new music, and about to set foot on a new (albeit small) tour. I asked him a few questions and he was kind enough to g...

I don't care the kind of shit I get from Mike for enjoying Aaliyah. SHE WAS SO GOOD. early 2000s R&B was so...well-produced. now, it's just kind of. mmm, shit? yup.

Breaking News! So I'm not sure why, but it seems that Libyan (kind of sort of former) leader Mummar Gaddafi (sp) was rather the big Condoleezza Rice fan. It turns out that after raiding his shack (or palace), a stash of photos featuring Condi Rice was discovered in a scrapbook. By stash, I mean shit like this........... QATFYG: Out of all the people in the world, why Condi Rice? Gadaffi(sp) spoke some really poor English, but perhaps it was all a big joke so he could make winning lines such as...... I like my MEAT with some Condi*ments... particularly mayonnaise. BAM! Crude People Will Inherit the Earth! Moreover, someone made a comment earlier this week about photoshopping a picture of Anna Paquin's face on my body. I am now cool with that, but can we please do a bathtub pic? I'm inspiried.

Sweden is that golden cross across the blue sky that you always see at IKEA. For me, Ikea was about the most Swedish I had ever experienced, other than those constant pokes sitcoms take at stereotypes such as “tall lanky blondes,” “opera singers with braids,” and of course “ Alexander Skarsgard .” It’s approaching nearly a full solar revolution since I got to experience the Sverige with my good friend, Brittany Kemp. For me, other than conducting an interview and embarrassing myself in front of the ambassador of Somaliland, this was an eye-opening experience of personal discovery. Lesson Learned: You should know a woman before you try and feel her! But believe it or not, one night while Brittany Kemp was off pretending to Belarusian for some reason, I asked a strange Thai woman. “Can I kiss you?” And for some reason nodded yes, so as soon as I tried to force feed her my face she freaked. It turned out that Spring Roll didn’t speak a word of English. However, that is a...

Hello and BonFuckingJour Wednesday! So my system has been destroyed last night because there was a sale on donuts, so there is more sugar in my blood than blood itself. That’s kind of weird come to think. The surprise s/s champion of sensationalistic stardom is none other than Sarah Brightman. She’s conquered many dimensions of the acting world, but for me the number one role that surpasses the others is her performance as “Christine Daae” in “The Phantom of the Opera.” She performed alongside the great Michael Crawford and even with one of my personal heroes, Davis Gaines. But I have selected this clip, and now youtube sensation, of her singing alongside Mr. Antonio Banderas. Sarah has conquered many more elements of the performing arts. Watch in this video as she takes a folky song and uses it to make “Simon and Garfunkel” look like raw pussies by comparison. Now watch her just shine in this… You know for years I rejected Sarah Brightman’s work because she had t...

The VA Earthquake: Two Ways I. Girard, PA My boss had just left the gallery in Girard a bit before 2 p.m., and I was drumming my fingers on the desk, staring at the computer screen and trying not to nod off. I felt this strange shaking - a tremble, really, and my hand shook on the desk. I looked to the glass display case to the side of me and it, too, was trembling. I looked up then, and saw that the walls and windows were vibrating. It only lasted about ten seconds, and since I'm kind of crazy, I thought it might be just me. Then it occurred to me it might actually be something news-worthy. I mean, in Erie, when someone throws up outside of the Cellblock it's on the news. I went to the yourerie.com website and LOOK AT THIS: http://yourerie.com/fulltext/?nxd_id=188997 RED EARTHQUAKE GRAPHIC INDICATES FIERY SERIOUSNESS OF INCIDENT --- Also, whoever does the online web editing for yourerie sucks major donkey balls at their job. They initially misspelled 're...

READ ON: http://www.okmagazine.com/2011/08/kate-winslet-rescued-richard-bransons-mom-in-fire/ I love Kate Winslet more than life itself.

If you are anywhere near Philly in early September, on Friday, Sept 2nd, you should go to this: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/560771142/a-series-of-tests-a-new-play-by-aggrocrag looks like it'd be interesting! it's too bad my one experience there was so bad. but if you like offbeat humor! 

Guess what? This is an idea that seems like it was just waiting to happen. Everyone made comments comparing Homer Simpson to OJ Simpson back in the day. This series is not new, but what's new here is that FOX has tried and failed once again to get this spoof of “The Simpsons” taken off of Youtube and the internet. But as you can see below in the video, they are still here. The guys with “The OJ Simpsons” even pay a special tribute to Rupert Murdoch and his constant attacks on the show in the fourth episode. QATFYG: Is this web show actually funny? If you visit the youtube page for the comments section, you will see that it is about half the people like the show and the other half does not. I will say that my first impression was underwhelming. I say that because when I discovered this web show, I thought it would be a comedic goldmine. It just looked like it had so much dark and black humor potential ( that is not a racist comment in the slightest ). However, the j...

I read this book because the previews for the upcoming film- YES I SAID PREVIEWS - made it seem kind of decent. I stress "kind of." Maybe I just meant the posters: well at the same time I don't like how her tongue is out. Well, this is the book, and the book is rather good. David Nicholls is a very talented, subdued writer. He attacks things in both this human and sentimental way without sopping on too hard. Kind of makes me disappointed in myself it took A FILM WITH ANNE HATHAWAY TO COME OUT to realize who he was! He's like the halfway point between Ian McEwan and Nick Hornby I believe, so if you're interested, you know to check that out.  The book/upcoming film (Nicholls wrote the screenplay) focus in on this one day in this not-a-couple's life for 15 years of their friendship. July 15th, which I think is some kind of weird religious observation? but yeah. it's just an interesting way of showing how they grow from people, from university students...

At the dawn of the new century, when we all realized Y2K was never happening, things were full of promise. Here we were riding the wave of the DOTCOM boom. Yahoo! seemed unstoppable and Silicon Valley was the place to go. CRASH. oops. well, at least we have cell phones now. CELL PHONES Jennifer Aniston had one obviously. Were the rest of us really ever that lucky? Do you remember how DVDs conquered VCRs in the early 2000s? me too, but at home I still have a VCR and my mom uses it for her aerobic tapes.  and little did the CD know it would be its grand last stand! HI IPOD electronica was really big in the early 2000s, as were the ending of beloved teenage- what would you call them!- dramedies. Dawson's Creek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer . WAIT SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR IS TRYING TO HAVE A COMEBACK WHAT YEAR IS THIS 1996? 9/11 happened and changed everything for a while. By a while I mean "The Bush administration." Bringing up my mom again, because she's a cool...

This band was a band I originally started enjoying because of the name and the name alone. The music came second. But it's good music, nonetheless. I asked them a few questions recently, about the Russian politician they are named after, their upcoming new album AND the fact they have a song in what is bound to be a classic movie, Shark Night . Their new album, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, Tape Club , comes out October 18th.  Do you think people really still love Boris Yeltsin?  SSLYBY:   Not really. I'd like to meet one his grandchildren one day and ask them what he was like in real life.  How's your tour been so far? SSLYBY :  Our last tour was in June. We played at some weddings for our friends. We've been bumming around in Springfield since then. (internet liez)  What's the most memorable concert-related experience you've ever had? SSLYBY:   Our last show was pretty memorable because I completely forgot how to play the guitar. I seriously couldn't...