The Useless Critic 2.0

PLOTS. AND SHE PLOTS. AND SHE PLOTS AND DOES NOT SLEEP AND GETS READY TO EAT THE PLACENTA OF THE WALRUS TREE. /copyright 2008 B-Kemp Industries you know SNL is PSYCHED about this. 

I love this band. Passion Pit + Vampire Weekend = them They are touring practically everywhere this summer. Their debut EP, Torches , just came out. And it's a lot of fun. Giddy, giddy fun. And this man's voice? DAMN. Anyway, I love hype, but this is a band worth believing in BESIDES the hype. or PAST the hype. or THROUGH the hype. see where I'm getting? Foster The People - Helena Beat from inaharris on Vimeo . They sold out in NYC already but I don't care I will find them. <3

chirp, chirp.

Now that Bollywood week has seemed to come to an end (thanks Al and AWM for being you which is beautiful) I have decided to post about my obsession of the moment. See:   Parks and Recreation. The first few times I caught this show, I didn't get it. I was like "this is like the Office  but in bumfuck no where Indiana." I was sort of bored. This was a while ago. 2009? 2010? Flash forward to this year. I finally got around to watching a real episode; not just bits and pieces of one while I was out doing other things. And I was like HOLY SHIT THIS IS A VERY GOOD SHOW. Why? the writing is superb. Now I love 30 Rock  very much as well and will be a lifelong Fey diehard fan, but the writing of this show has started to eclipse the other NBC shining beacon for me. You can tell in the beginning that the writing wasn't exactly on cue. But by midway second season, the writers were finally hitting their mark. I mean, nailing their mark. Like in a Seinfeld/Frasier/good O...

not quite, I know:

IT IS FLEET WEEK. it exists! I'm impressed.

"You probably like him cus he's cute, his songs aren't that good. He's a good singer , but his songs are bad and his voice is too." - Krystal "Listen to Michael Jackson. Then you will get rid of it and realize, hey, this kid sucks!" - ~I ♥ Puppies~ "Look at some pictures of Johnny Depp and Chase Crawford with their shirts off." - ♥¢αи∂у gιяℓ♥

The last post pushed me over the edge. I tweeted Biebs to wish me Happy Birthday, and he refused? What gives you freeze it push pop cock face? It was my birthday gosh darnit. No Respect. QATFYG: What do you guys think about the sunglasses seen below?

Two songs this week appeared on my radar and by a rule of thumb they should also be on yours, son! Annie + the Toxic Avenger = not the rapper from Pittsburgh I thought he was! plus anything Annie touches is bound to be awesome. see also:  Designer Drugs. Arcade Fire teamed up with Mr. Big Suit man himself, akakakakaka David Byrne, for a new track for the deluxe version of the Suburbs . Mike has told me I'm going to run into David Byrne eventually. I have no idea how I will know if it is David Byrne, because he looks a lot like other guys. here is the track I cannot post myself

I once posted a song from Benny Lava in a post called "Another Asian Music Party." In 2008, I found a comical song from him on Youtube, and as funny as it was, there was something else that really stood out to me. Indian Men can dance. Dance like their pants Are filled with ants. Kind of dance. This is Bollywood Week, and I used to tell people that if you wanted to see the best choreography in the world, look at either Benny Lava or Bollywood. More importantly, people really seem to like the way he talks :P. QATFYG: What is your sexy dance? Does it involve sparklers?

BIGGER THAN GOD? you will find out later. New York City loves their Lady Gaga. Happy birthday, Al!

Let me start by explaining that I am not an Oprah fanatic.  I have watched her show maybe three times in my life—mostly as a way to spend time with my grandmother—and while I liked The Oprah Winfrey Show well enough, it was never something I made an effort to watch.  (I have been reading her magazine and LOVING IT and basing my life around it since I was 12 years old, but that’s an entirely different story.) Make no mistake, I think she is awesome.  It just feels weird to say that when I’ve hardly ever heard her voice. Anyway, there’s no escaping Oprah, and I think that the end of her 25 years on TV is significant for most people, whether they watch her or not.  Oprah kind of represents the American dream.  She is the quintessential rags to riches—and I’m not even being totally metaphorical, because she’s, what, the richest woman in the world? You’ve probably seen parts of what’s been happening on Oprah in the last week.  Surprises, celebr...

if you were previously unaware, asianclassicalmp3.org/ is a decent place to check out some interesting music. There are several tracks by Ustad Amjad Ali Khan that are worth a listen. Though, be forewarned, he is not a sexy Bollywood singer. Ustad Amjad Ali Khan has been in the forefront of sarod players for many years. Unlike his father, he has embraced the recording media and modern technology. His web page demonstrates his embrace of modern means of promoting classical music. He is joined by Shafaat Ahmed Khan on tablas. The first piece is in a raga he created to honor Mahatma Gandhi. For the piece he jokingly refers to as "Tigalbandi" (from jugalbandi, duet), he is joined by his sons Amaan Ali Bangash and Ayaan Ali Bangash. The final piece was an impromptu encore. These pieces were recorded from a radio broadcast in mono. They were encoded at 96 kbps mono, which is the rough equivalent of 192 kbps stereo. They appear here by the kind permission of the BBC and the famil...

Trippy Tuesday is upon us. QATFYG: What comes to mind when you combine Bollywood and Horror? To many people Bollywood is a term that strikes ideas of song and dance, Indian culture, and tradition. But of course, since India has to show off how many movies they can make in a single year. They have to include horror in the spectrum. Below is a clip that is from the movie “MangalSutra,” and yes that sounds silly, but this trailer looks really good. Shaitaani Llaaka Seen above is a clip from something that is parodying “Evil Dead II” to some extent. This is more of what I had in mind for Bollywood horror. Eek Scary Bad more like it.

EWWWWW

Do you remember that Sofia Talvik post I made a while ago? Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I am not you so I wouldn't know. Anyway, her project HATE , the side project to her LOVE (yes!) is about to come out. As of June 6th, for you history nerds, is D-Day. AND NOW SOMETHING ELSE. "H" will be released June 6th, as well as "O" the second installment of her L.O.V.E series. You can preorder it NOW on her website, though. British heavy metal band BALL OF MAYHEM is responsible for "H." You can take a listen and read an interview with Dave Chrisp of the band here on her website. Because I am not as creative as this, I will just say that  " The soft folk-pop tunes of her project "L.O.V.E" has been smashed, crushed and boosted up into something that would scare your grandma's pants off!" Did I mention it will be released at 6 AM? 666 kind of? haha.  The second installment of  H.A.T.E is being recorded by Swedish met...

Not going to lie. I was on Youtube, and HOTTEST BOLLYWOOD HOT SCENE!!!! was in my suggested videos. How could I refuse? So here is a brief recap of the greatest moment in the history of films related to Mumbai. This is a romance between a man and a woman, but not simple at all. The woman reminds me of Carrie-Anne Moss in "Memento" except that I don't want to ignore her. The man reminds me of an average bloke from an unfortunate film that spammed me once upon late night porn hunt. It starts with a tribute to "Around the World in 80 Days" the Jackie Chan version. Then, elements of "Don't Say a Word" fall into action, and of course, I suddenly realize that a great pet name for the Indian man would be MORPHEUS. Because he is doing the Indian Carrie-Anne Moss. The video culminates in that knot of a human bond(age), and life suddenly is too complex for words. However, the music for this video was most definitely the product of Rimsky-Korsakov's girlf...

For anyone who seeks the bizarre in life.... Retro vintage Bollywood in Tamil So for my first entry in this week-long dedication to Bollywood music, dance, cinema and everything else Bollywood. This is what happened when India heard of Disco. It is more like "The Outer Limits" than Bollywood. For starts, I will say that out of all the languages in India I might like Portuguese the most, and Tamil is definitely close behind. I love the Tamil language, which is used in Southern India and Sri Lanka as well as various other regions. Look. It looks like stylish nonsense. The song above is unlike many Tamil songs I have heard, but it captures the Shnazz of Bollywood, and I just like to hear the Tamil. QATFYG: What is your favorite Indian language?

A lot of people must be wondering: why am I still here? Wasn't Jesus supposed to swoop me up in his arms like a motherless child? Well I have to say that if I were indeed Jesus (like rumors through the years have implied) I might skip town, too.  I asked Phil, all-around interesting fellow, why the Rapture was not May 21st 2011. This is what Phil had to say: 1) I sat at Rack N Roll this night wondering the same thing. Then some old lady got up and started singing some horseshit country song like she was 20, and at that moment I realized the Rapture had occurred and I am in Hell. 2.)  My name's Phill Ross. I like to wear leather outfits and nipple clamps in my free time.   3) It doesn't matter because the world is ending in December of 2012. I think . Well there you have it, although I do wonder if God kept us here to watch SNL last night.  Your thoughts? p.s. sorry Iceland

Well, because Jesus will be arriving in every time zone shortly, here's a brief overview of what to listen to before, well. you know. see:   Independence Day Blondie by tr3nt3trois THE RAPTURE: Get Myself Into It by rooroo !!!!!! SEE YOU BITCHES IN THE WAITING LINE IN HELL oh wait ...

So Hello World, these are the questions from the people of the world who want changes in the world. Guess what? Changes are being delivered. So this time Brittany and I will be handling the advice section, but consider this a moment in a very new world. March 31, 2011 4:34 PM Cara said...this is going well so far. (- you /rolling eyes A: Everything is in the palm of your hand, if you can dream enough. It is up to you whether you choose to blow a kiss or make a tight fist. March 31, 2011 11:58 (Guess Who) ...I WILL GET YOU QUESTIONS ABOUT VAGINAS A:Is this where I get to write my own? QATFYG: What is the big deal about vaginas? Oh, wait! Miracle of Life Gosh Dammit. April 1, 2011 9:03 AM...do I answer as they pop up or wait until the end of the month? A: Hahaha, you’re late at the end of the month. Bing. April 1, 2011 9:59 AM Anonymous said...HELLO I AM A REAL PERSON WITH FEELINGS TOO! A: Not all people have feelings. Some people are real, but their feelings are not real. They have to p...

You all, this is REALLY important. Because most of us, save two people, will not be being rapture'd tomorrow. I am just looking forward to witnessing some Michael Bay shit.

Nope, not Ireland. It's the Ivory Coast. QATFYG: Can you believe there has been political unrest in the Ivory Coast for years, and it is only now that I dedicate a mini mix to them? Things may be rough in the Cote D’Ivoire, but this gave me the chance to learn what this country has on it’s gigantic place mat........ because if the Cote D’Ivoire was a place mat using the actual square kilometers of the Cote D’Ivoire, it would be very large. Even if you only took the Coast of the Ivory Coast and turned it into a place mat, it would be very large. This is a piece of Christian music from the Cote D’Ivoire, and although, I knew so little of the Ivorian styles, this was nothing like how I expected it. It also almost a touch of a real occidental sound, but there is a unique quality that is just hard to place. I wish I liked this video more, But it gets rather flamboyant and not in an arousing way at all. There are too many shots in the video of men wearing Golden-Lettered T-Shirts that re...

Duchess Leo is the first band Facebook has suggested to me that I've actually enjoyed. They have an interesting ambient sound....the song "Your Sweet Love" won me over nearly immediately. They consist of Dan and Todd, two lifelong friends that live in Brooklyn (duh). Their album, Golden Gray , is out now. And I have to say, I think exciting times lie ahead for this band. 1.) So how did you guys form? You two have been nearly lifelong friends, right? Dan: Yea, we grew up in Randolph, New Jersey. We didn't become friends until freshman year of high school. We played basketball and during preseason had to train by running a couple miles everyday. We'd talk about girls and movies around the track to pass the time. In 2007, we found ourselves in Brooklyn with some spare time. The rest is history.  Todd:  Duchess Leo is kind of a result of our friendship. When we met we pretty much immediately started creating together. When we had separate projects, we we...

So in the last post, I stated that I was unfamiliar with Rashida Jones' performance on "Parks and Recreation." Well, all that has changed. I have spent the last six hours doing nothing other than watch P n R with the one exception of watching Rashida Jones photo videos (seen below). I googled Rashida Jones Sexy, and it was the first thing that came up.(haha came up) Verdict: I am now hooked on this show as well. QATFYG: Is it weird when you google image someone and all you see is a red jump rope on image two? That also happened. I had to share with someone.

So Hello Wednesday Evening. As the twilight falls onto Wednesday evening, I bet you are already thinking about Vampires because I wrote the word “Twilight.” This is by far the worst way to introduce Rashida Jones. I shall try again. I first encountered the name Rashida Jones from her work on “Boston Public.” As I mentioned in a post a long long time ago, I was quite the routine “Boston Public” fan. It is too bad I have not caught more of her work on “Parks and Recreation,” for that seems to be a favorite among people that I know. Of course I have seen her stuff on “The Office,” And she was the voice of reason in “The Social Network.” No, Brenda Song was not the voice of reason. It was Rashida Jones. Brenda Song just gave blow jobs. And in news that is more exciting than Brenda Song’s mouth, Rashida Jones the actress-comic book writer has sold her rights to her comic book “Frenemy of the State," which chronicles a socialite that gives earns some Respect from the CIA. This is going ...

So on the night of Brittany Kemp’s birth renewal, we decided to hit the city, and by the city I mean we got to walk on the sunshine of the nation’s capital. And no, we did not score with the cast of that crappy MTV Show. (Get it? The City? Get it?) So in addition to trading business cards with the top politicians and yelling “HI MICHELLE” to the White House, we explored the true roots of American History. Actually, I am a total liar. We spent about an hour just looking at dresses in a museum exhibition on First Ladies. I felt I was unfolding my critiques like the least likable judge on “Project Runway.” (Michael Kors). After getting in touch with the nation’s heritage, we toured Washington D.C.’s restaurant scene, and we even got to participate in what is known as a Pub Quiz Trivia Night. Thanks to an anonymous source, our team name was unfortunately, “If you built your house next to the Mississippi River, I don’t feel sorry for you,” And proudly, I can state that we got the largest am...

GO NOW IT'S FREE CHROMEO IS INCLUDED http://www.prefixmag.com/media/mayer-hawthorne/impressions-covers-ep/52254/

An interview with a person that I know. Jessica is seriously one of the most interesting people I have ever met. She is someone I'd like to keep in my freezer for the rest of my life. She's witty, intelligent, beautiful, and hilarious. One day she will be more famous than me, Chuck Palahniuk, or anyone this side of Bristol  Palin's new face. OBSERVE:  1.) TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF, JESSICA.  I'm fly like an F-14. I live a dual life as Katy Perry. I write the songs that make the whole world sing. Oscar Wilde is my dead gay lover. I am currently hatching a plan to kidnap Hugh Laurie. I really enjoy Heineken and good conversation. I would love to travel, but not in an annoying, sanctimonious bitchy way like Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm actually pretty good at baking yummy things. Among my prized possessions are a dead bat pressed under glass on my mantle, a signed copy of Allen Ginsberg's "Cosmopolitan Greetings," and a half naked picture of Marilyn M...

“I Saw the Devil,” is a name that is popping around the United States. It has made it’s way from Korea via satellite, DVD sales, and theatrical input. In other words, it is out on DVD and in select theatres. However, this film is more like a gory psychological satire that slaps you in the face. If you are not comfortable watching blood, turn your player off or go to the theatre with someone that is comfortable with you burying your face in their shoulders, because this film is covered in gory, mutilating scenes of masterful bloodletting. To get deeply into the heart of the movie, this is a mental chess game between two men. It brings up the classic idea of a man trying to avenge his lost love at the hands of a living monster. But things get outside the traditional framework of an ordinary film. In just over two hours, you can see fight after fight between two men that display strength almost beyond the capabilities of man. The two men battling it out remind me of that line from the Jok...

So by the thanks of the graces of a friend, I happened to encounter this film “Mother” from Korea. It is the tale of a rather overbearing mother that is forced into a quest of trying to prove her son’s innocence for a chilling murder. It begins to show a woman with a son, whom she adores, caught up in some negative lifestyles, but really, he is no more than a petty thug and not a hardened criminal. This is a film that establishes with lots of bizarre scenes, and by bizarre, I mean they are only weird for a little while. As for the ending of the film, all I can say is it reminds me of that Japanese classic film “Rashomon.” From the title and any cover images this may seem like a film that follows the depth of a mother’s love. But as that lovely Stephin Merrit once wrote. “Things are not what they appear, Beginning with a mother’s love, When a helping hand comes near, It leaves an empty glove.” As the mother in this film launches her quest to find the real killer and prove her son’s inno...

You freakin' weirdo. (J/K <3) Meet me at the corner of 5th and Sass and I'll make you a curb-side martini.

I feel like in the future I will tell hipster girls this at bars and they will follow me home. what to say about Lykke that hasn't been said? she's a force of nature. she is an oversexual Scandinavian goddess who I want to raise puppies with. there is nothing wrong with that. "WHEN I SAY DANCE, YOU DANCE!"- Lykke Li also I want to tell you that I threw up on a Megabus this weekend and Uffie and Ke$ha would have been so proud of me. the guy that walked in after me said, his exact words, "OH, GOD."  Lykke covered the Knife and danced around like some freaky stepchild of Stevie Nicks.  I SANG ALONG TO EVERY SONG AND BEAT SOME GIRL THAT TRIED TO STEP IN FRONT OF ME TO JOIN HER BOYFRIEND IT WAS SO AWESOME GOODBYE

my friend William did this...check it out, give him some support. it's pretty interesting (and short!) also, it is in Swedish. ENJOY

this girl is pretty good! and only 13! and Dan sort of knows her!

With the Lion Sheik gone, US government personnel have been able to move on to new and progressive things, like tracking down the second shadiest Eastern derelict with an appetite for destruction. However, for an entire generation that was defined by 9/11, the fact that he's gone is just, well, strange. Where do we stand in a world bereft of an absolute icon of evil? Sure, there's still the Microsoft Word paperclip guy, but even his appearances are now fewer and further between. His death brings about as many questions as it does answers. Where are we going to find another villain whose name rhymes with Obama? Who will college students photoshop next to Bert from Sesame Street or onto magic carpets? Ever the consummate search engine philosopher drunk, I once posed the question to Google, "What if bin Laden is hiding because he's shy?" Strangely enough, it turns out he was: * Osama was an extremely shy child, Coll writes. He was an outsider in his new family...

I HEAR LESLIE AND BEN HOOKED UP DID THIS HAPPEN FOR REAL WHAT WHAT WHAT

The Royal Wedding may be over, and who knows what is going on with the honeymaking or the honeymoon between K-Tee and Wil-Lee? (More like a honey pot BITCH!) But one thing is certain, Pippa Middleton, the younger sister (non-jail-bait) is all over the news. She is still riding into my news feed on yahoo, sometimes twitter and various other online sources like a bull named John Holmes. Part of this is because someone took photos of her without her bikini top on. But in all fairness, there are many photos of me in only my bikini shorts, and I don't get to be the #1 most important subject in Yahoo News. Dear Humanity: What Gives? Now, this is not an episode of Algerie Nader Free Advertising (LLC), but if you want you can visit the PMAAS. That is the Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society. This started as a facebook group, but now it has evolved into a strong-running line of merchandise. Here is a link if you are truly interested in buying a T-Shirt for someone's butt. Pippa...

Does anyone remember years ago when bands like "Sum41" and "The Strokes" were all over the radio and airwaves in general. (and no The Strokes aren't pop punk.) But so many people refused to listen to them, claiming they were too mainstream. I just came across an old song from Treble Charger, and I remember I used to recommend this song to people that secretly liked popPunkrock, but didn't want to show off how mainstream they really were. QATFYG: How poppy is too poppy? (Not a serious question)

So hello early hours of Wednesday morning. From reading many of The Useless Critic posts, you can see that NBC sitcoms are favorites. So for the last few days, I have been catching “Outsourced” nonstop on the internet. Why? Because it deals with Indians and people that don’t have Indian names like Rebecca Hazlewood. It is so nice watching all the names of Indian actors, Anisha Nagarajan Parvesh Cheena Rizwan Manji, And then see Hazlewood. For some reason, that might make you want to get Stoned! But Rebecca Hazlewood gains the s/s for more than just appearing in a late NBC sitcom. It turns out she is rather keen on the blogosphere herself. All her information is available on Wordpress, and so visit here. It is not run entirely by her, but it is a more perosnally interactive blog They have some great photos of her posted. http://rebeccahazlewood.wordpress.com/ And of course thanks to her name, I get to post another video from "Motherfucking Lee Hazlewood." You know he has bee...