The Useless Critic 2.0

To anyone who has the dream of writing your own screenplay and kicking Hollywood’s ass (or fucking its face depending on your screenplay), know that it is possible. The Daily Show and the Washington Post both reported the story of how Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo wrote “Bridesmaids,” which is…. 1.        Two people had an idea. 2.        They bought a “How to Write a Screenplay Book.” 3.        They came over for carrots and crackers and other stuff you eat with your hands. 4.        They put their idea into writing. 5.        Nomination for an Academy Award It is that simple. If you are someone that has the idea and the dream, know that it is possible.If you have the idea and the dream, what are you waiting for? Get Writing.

Forget what you know about movies, and forget what you know about movie reviews. This one from Mike Judge has nothing in the book of conventions. I had the chance to watch "Extract" in French, but I don't speak any French, so recently, I finally saw it in English. When it comes to the filmmaking of Mike Judge, of course I was a fan of "Office Space," "King of the Hill," "Beavis and Butthead," and even "Idiocracy." So I greatly awaited what this film had to offer. The premise is Jason Bateman is trying to fuck Mila Kunis :P So far off to a good start. However, Jason Bateman is sadly married to a coupon designer named Kristen Wiig. (Forget character names). A Wife is a Horrible Cockblock  The plot thickens like brownie batter as Jason Bateman takes advice from hairy Ben Affleck and plans to have Kristen Wiig sleep with Ethan from 90210, otherwise known as the sweatshirt wearing bonehead in the photo above, Dustin Milliga...

 Sequels traditionally are such mixed bags, and I don't know about you guyz out there in the peanut gallery, but Bridesmaids  is easily one of my favorite films of recent memory. So earnestly hilarious, from start to finish. And sequels seem to be the realm of shitty, cheese-tastic action films. Or comedies without quite as much heart or talent. So I have a lot of....uh, ambivalent feelings.  Last I heard, Kristen Wiig was still in talks for a sequel. What do you think? I'd totally steal fitness classes too, for the record. And also, Ellie Kemper is the cutest thing in the world.

Hello UCverse: This week is Kristen Wiig week here at The UC, and the lovely lady will fall into the same select line of stars that have had an entire week devoted to them. I wonder if this is the same value as winning a Golden Globe...maybe a Screen Actor.  Anyway, Kristen is now no longer part of the SNL line up, but that doesn't mean her image will fade. Furthermore, get ready for more.  PS: Did I pick the right photo? HELL YES I did.

By Guest Writer: Sarah Mantione When it comes to commercials, most people hit the mute button, get something to eat, or just tune them out. A lot of the time they are a nuisance or so loud and obnoxious we grow to hate them. One campaign actually has me seeking them out on YouTube when I can't sleep. The Allstate "Mayhem" ads starring Dean Winters (Oz, 30 Rock) have me completely addicted. I’ve watched them all and even listened to some of the radio spots. The amazing thing is they’re actually funny. I am impressed when a campaign like this comes along because you only have about thirty seconds to get the product out and (if we’re lucky) be entertaining. They first appeared in July 2010 and they are still so creative they are winning awards. One was received just last week at the New York Festivals International Advertising Awards. So when I saw that Allstate had some new commercials coming out, I was looking forward to them, with the expectation of the same level ...

By Guest Writer: Jacob Astudillo  I have no doubt that most of us like music we don't readily admit to like, but our dirty little secrets have a strange tendency to eventually surface. Some might shamefacedly have been caught singing "Backstreet's Back" in the bathroom, or an S Club 7 song might surprisingly have been discovered in a person's Mp3-player to the merciless mocking of his peers. Yes, I believe the majority like music we are ashamed to like. Because that kind of music is crap, and admitting we like it is tantamount to admit we like crap. And naturally we are ashamed to admit we like crap. Who wouldn't be? I'll tell you who wouldn't: Justin Bieberfans. Walking in a park in my hometown last year, I saw a curious spectacle; the amount of teenage girls gathered to openly manifest their love for this prepubescent singer was legio. I even saw a banner which proclaimed: "The Justin Bieber Fan Club". Besid...

As heard on the Great Gatsb y   trailer. A very raw and powerful U2 cover. Oh, Jack.

Hello, and happy Wednesday. Thank you for tuning in, and there is a brand new Celeb Stuff posted here at The UC. It's another Dear Dearest, and I am going to say this is my favorite one so far.  Celeb Stuff Page Up Top

OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ramble:  ajdrekrekrejerakere

The send-off they did for her was quite good; Arcade Fire and Mick Jagger were involved. But Kristen was a talent to be reckoned with for nearly her whole duration on Saturday Night Live - it was like there as not one thing she was willing NOT to do. She will be missed but here's to hoping there are great milestones ahead for her. Question:  favorite Kristen Wiig sketch? and: See more here . We'll miss you Kristen!

Yeah. Not much happened, amirite? well. unless you live in Asia or California.

Today was a Bad Music Day Question: Do you listen to bad music just for fun? I have spent the entirety of this afternoon listening to bad music. I dug up some old treasures that I used to listen to back before people made playlists. Worst Song of the Day 3rd Strike: No Light This song is not as bad. Smoother. Better Melody. However, it just has too much of the 2002 MTV-2 Nail Polish. I was a rather big fan of this song back at that age. However, it’s a little too poppy for its own good, yet still not as bad as (see above). Ill Nino: What Comes Around Then, there is one from Adema. It’s not horrible either. In fact, the melody is rather entertaining. However, the lyrics are just way too serious for their “that’s what she said moments.” “I’ll get inside you….the way you like it….heh heh heh heh heh.” Adema : The Way you Like It PS: Fuck 2002's Music Scene

Well, the tattoo countdown has come and gone, and it was a great time sharing the Top 10 Hottest Celeb Tattoos of all time here at The UC. However, on that note, I thought it would only be fair to include some of the people that just didn't make the cut......barely....okay, not really barely, but here you go. Criminal: Michael Campbell Some Women who got Money from GoldenPalace.Com This Person  And of course, Guten Morgen Gucci Mane.  Ich kann deinen Ice Cream Face Sehen. Questions: Who is the winner?

It’s not the first time this name or this song has appeared on The UC, but today the world lost Donna Summer. The 63 year old singer was found dead earlier this morning. I used to say this song was my anthem for summer, and not just because of her name, but because of the energy. Energy is exactly the way to put it. Donna Summer’s music was known for her energy, vivacity, and of course sensuality. RIP Donna. Thank you for all the Notes. Questions for You: What is your anthem for summer?

Is he the heir to Damien Rice's throne? I don't know, but he sure is good. question:  would you ever do a flash mob?

It's fairly common knowledge in these parts I gave up my children when the government wanted to crack down on my toothpaste habit. And I was like, to the police officer that came to my front door, "DON'T YOU TOUCH LITTLE TYRA DON'T YOU PUT YOUR HANDS NEAR MAHOGANY" and began rending my garments, etc.  Do I miss them? More than the rest of my teeth? Or other miscellaneous things? It's arguable. I've devoted my life to the artform of raising alpacas, and let me tell you, it's worked out marvelously. My mom, truthfully though, is a wonderful and very strong woman. I've spent a lot of time with her in my life and I haven't seen her in several months. will see her shortly in the summer and she will come visit me once some business clears regarding the health of a family member. I really, really am looking forward to it. I miss seeing cheap dollar movies with my mom when I was growing up. that was our Sunday tradition. sort of tapered off when ...

Instagram users! Here's your validation!

Top 10 Hottest Celeb Tattoos : #1 Slash “Everything” The countdown has gone on a swing of ups and downs like a winding inked roller coaster.  However, the number one spot on the countdown goes to the person who redefined the meaning of awesome. Slash is a legend in many dimensions, and of course celeb ink is one of them. Slash has the perfect combination of personal meaning and the subtle sexuality that makes all things cool. The Best One So Far  The velvet revolver lady has also become an tattoo trend that spreads widely among his fans.  Questions for You: Who is number one on your list? 

Hello, mah darlings! (Imagine that being said with the most affected British accent ever.) I'm here to present you with my own personal recap of the season one finale of 2 Broke Girls , a.k.a. the best sitcom around (don't even try to argue otherwise unless you're looking to get stabbed in the eye with my killer heels), which stars goddess Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs. I know, I'm just a little late considering this particular episode aired last Monday, but I loved it so much, and my mind was bubblin g with ideas as soon as I finished watching it. I admit, it's also a shameless ploy to spread some of the best quotes the episode produced—for real, I literally live for this show's quotes. As its title suggests, the one-hour season finale features a special guest spot from none other than Martha Stewart. Be advised that this post might contain spoilers, in case you haven't yet watched the episode for some reason As usual, things start at the Williamsb...

For the record, you should be seeing a blender down here. edit:  never mind. do you want to see Dark Shadows ? Because I can't make up my mind about it. Part of it looks gleefully campy; the other part...just kind of dense. Watch and decide and ask yourself if this is some perversion to the Edward Scissorhands legacy: I mean, I know humor. Schindler's List, Airplane!- these names all come to mind. Anyway, rather see the Avengers . Have YOU seen it? oh shut up everyone else in the universe has.

It's finally happening! Look! They're working with Diplo!

Top 10 Hottest Celeb Tattoos: #2 Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes "Memorial" Yes, indeed. Lisa Lopes appears on the UC again in only a matter of days. I don't know how Brittany and I both connected the same brain waves, but no matter what, she's is the #2 spot on the Hottest Celeb Tattoos countdown for "Patton's" Cross and Heart. It is an emotional and tragic ink piece, and just the symbol of it reveals the sadness. Furthermore, it is furthered into tragedy because of Left Eye is now no longer with us either. The Memorial tattoo is of course one of both personal value, and also a major way to show respect for someone you love. It is just a reminder for both you and all the world that the one you love is not so far away after all.  Questions for You: Who will be #1? 

http://www.npr.org/2012/05/06/151227631/first-listen-beach-house-bloom I know this leaked a while ago but WHATEVER.

Top 10 Hottest Celeb Tattoos: #3 David Beckham (Tattoo Sleeves) In a world where tattoo is often just a word that rhymes with taboo, it’s rather rare to see someone outside the genre of rock and roll sporting inked sleeves on the A list. Whether some like to agree with it or not, tattoos have a negative reputation in many circles. Employers often ask workers to cover up their tattoos and not to reveal them to the public. Then, there are people like David Beckham that sent all that to shit. David Beckham wears tattoo sleeves, and the world watches. It might be true that he plays in long white sleeves, but David Beckham once held the crown as the most famous athlete in the world, and in public, he was rare to cover up his massive tattoos. Perhaps, even if it was just for a second, David Beckham helped the world sway from the overbearing tattoo phobia. David Beckham takes the #3 spot because he was not afraid to ink his entire arms. Respect. Questions for You: Are...

It was just a matter of time until I brought this back. It's been on and off for years, much like Lisa Left Eye Lopes and her football player boyfriend until her untimely death RIP LISA.  Anyway. Arthur Rimbaud was an extremely cool French poet before cool even existed. I mean the 1800s, obviously.  you know he was cool because Leo played him in a film! Rimbaud grew up an exquisite little terror; he was one of the reasons people are frightened to have children (cough). He slept around with the poet Paul Verlaine and was a general degenerate, as a lot of poets are/can be. That's cool; I'm just calling the pot black here. He traveled around a lot and died in an exotic location of an exotic ailment (ooh) at the age of 37.  But his legacy! Rimbaud influenced Allen Ginsberg, Bob Dylan and Patti "Just Kids" Smith in the 20th century. See, what did I tell you? COOL. read on: Lives I       Oh! the huge avenues of the holy land, t...

My   Melancholia   review Britt Y SO SRS Okay,   Melancholia .  Blah blah blah Lars Von Trier blah blah weeping Charlotte Gainsbourg (not disemboweling any penises this time) blah blah Kirsten Dunst can really act! Blah blah oh look Kiefer Sutherland now has something to do after they cancelled  24 . JUST KIDDING. I totally Ashton Kutchered you. For me personally, there was a LOT riding on this film, because Lars Von Trier is a whirlwind of a fellow! I mean, this guy is just something else. It’s as if we live in this world of movie directors who are chocolate bars (the Hershey variety, noneother) and here is this dude who is made out of vanilla plastic. He made Bjork want to never act again. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN! What I saw of  Antichrist  left me bemused, entertained and very aroused. I happened to watch the entirety of  Melancholia , unlike my companion, who passed out like a sleepless baby within the first few seco...

Scene: Erie, in the 1990s Liberty Plaza parking lot my mom's car my brother:   there's a new Beastie Boys song out! me:   um me:   is that like the Beach Boys? my brother:   NO I USED TO LOVE THIS BAND WHEN I WAS YOUNGER *turns up radio* me:   cool! it's about space!!!!! my brother :  u r so gay me:   you don't even know A SHORT TIME LATER watching VH1 as I do (did) me:   holy shit they're white!!!! Say what you will....the Beasties are legends. RIP, Adam Yauch. WAY too soon. 

Top 10 Hottest Celeb Tattoos: #4 Ozzy Osbourne "Just Ozzy" It's small yet simple, but just four letters became one of the most iconic tattoos of the 20th century. In fact, the four letters on Ozzy Osbourne's hand became a major mark of all rock and heavy metal for decades. It was said that Ozzy Osbourne chose to get these tattoos during an early stint in prison, two smiley faces on his knees and the word "Ozzy" tattooed on his hand. I was just listening to Black Sabbath's "Paranoid" and "NIB" yesterday, and those songs are just so good. There is an unmatchable raw sound and feeling, and "Ozzy" is more than just a tattoo, it is a legend. Questions for You: What do you think of people with tattoos of their own name? Other than this one, I'm not the hugest fan. Exception of Awesomeness.