The Useless Critic 2.0

A Timeline Springish: Bryce: Hey, that trailer looks interesting. Me: Yeah. Maybe. I dunno. ((changes channel to Real Housewives)) June: Bryce: Hey, Christopher Nolan directed it. That movie is going to rule. Me: Who? Oh, the Batman guy? Yeah, I didn't see that movie. Inception looks like it has a lot of potential to suck. Nyah. July: Bryce: I AM SO PUMPED FOR THIS MOVIE. Cara: Meh. Washington Post review busts a nut over it; reconsidering ensues. Cara and Bryce go to the local multiplex to see it. (exiting the theater) Cara: ((speechless)) Bryce: I TOLD YOU SO. I was initially very skeptical of this movie. Especially after Leonardo released Shutter Island. Then the laundry list of big celebs: Michael Caine; Then the aforementioned WAPO (we coolios call it the 'wapo') review made it into my gmail box, and I'll basically agree with whatever the reviewer says. Even if I disagree. It's a very sick and sad existence, I know. Expectations = raised. Bar = ...

oh my god IT'S JENS www.jenslekman.com The end of the world is bigger than love. swoon. I sent him another email. he will hate me.

CBS or whichever station it is that The Big Bang Theory is on is moving The Big Bang Theory to Thursday nights. Why? Because they are completely insane. Let's take a look at why this is a bad idea: - It's later in the week: i.e. Humor enthusiasts now have Nothing to look forward to on Mondays. Sure, the show with Charlie Sheen is still on, and I'm sure it's hilarious as always, but it is syndicated ad nauseum 24/7 and available to watch on Justin.TV, even though sometimes you have to type in Dos Hombres y Medio to find it. - You'll forget about it: Seriously. There's already a day that starts with a T that comes before Thursday. - I don't know: i.e. Third Reason why it's bad. The positives: - The show is now the night's lead: It'll run up against Battlestar Galatica, Emergency 911, House MD, Young Frankenstein, Sabrina the Teenage Witch and all of the other Thursday night primetime dramas. - Something about patience being a virtue. "...

One of my bottles of wine, the Edelweiss, was accidentally uncorked several days ago, because I am very, very clumsy— anyway, I don’t really like drinking alone, so, instead of having the bottle languish in my freezer for the next several weeks, I’m humoring myself by turning it into a “writing experiment” where I drink a half glass for every song on My World 2.0 while typing about what’s happening. So— Baby I thought it would be kind of unfair to start the album completely sober, so I drank a full glass before listening to this song. I don’t really like this wine very much, I probably should have accidentally opened the Armenian pomegranate, but— I’ll probably get to that one at some point. And there’s white table wine, too, but I don’t know what that is? Table wine? I’m drinking Edelweiss, with Justin Bieber mp3s. This song used to be kind of creepy because, especially considering Ludacris is the only other person in the song, Biebs sounds like he’s singing to him, so when he’s li...

I love exorcism movies, while other horror genres are falling to pieces..... Exorcism movies are just so interesting. I seriously might see this if someone will give me the money. QATFYG: did you like the exorcist?

first thoughts: Phoenix much? and it's not because they're French! although it kind of is..... A+, this is an awesome song. and defines my opinion on other people

I came across two spectacular fashion-related items today, and I must say that I am rather jealous. First, Anna Wintour (omgannawintour!) is hosting a dinner at her house - possibly as I write this - to benefit the Democratic National Committee. Regardless of politics, this has to be the best and most expensive party - er, elegant and fashionable gathering - happening tonight. It seems that it costs $30,000 to get inside Anna’s house. I am hoping that my invitation was tragically misplaced. Seriously, Anna, why the cold shoulder? @WWD Also, W is filming some documentary about its September issue. Hasn’t this been done before? Wasn’t it called, oh, I don’t know, “The September Issue”? And did it not feature Vogue and Anna Wintour? Yes, it did. I’m not sure how W is going to make a better documentary out of this than The September Issue . Almost no one cares that Stefano Tonchi is W ’s new editor-in-chief. The general opinion about the mere idea of this documentary seems to be le...

Directions: Read the passage carefully, using context clues and my knowledge of Kesha to solve the following logic puzzle. Kesha dropped out of high school. Kesha grew up listening to Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash. Kesha's first significant musical guest appearance was on a Flo Rida song. 1. I want to believe... - A) Kesha is wearing a Dipset shirt. - B) Kesha is wearing a Jefferson Airplane 'Volunteers' shirt. - C) ???????????? - D) All of the above. Hint: None of the answers are correct.

WE ARE SCIENTISTS AT THE BRILLOBOX ON AUGUST 15TH tickets are like 13 dollars. they even have a song about Pittsburgh! then, Goldfrapp-esque Canadian electronic people, Dragonette, will be in Cleveland August 8th. gah!!!!!! I would like to go to these shows, but I need a haircut.

because I have a job for a little while, I am taking a break from blogging. - B.Kemp. I can think of no better person to semi-channel my presence. - As almost none of you know (aside from BrittBritt), I transplanted from Edinboro to Pittsburgh. I’m going to catch you up on a few Pittsburgh things. There have been some nasty storms around lately. Consequently, my community has a road blocked off and no internet or phone service. Stuck with a Blackberry and no cable, I made the trek to Starbucks today to suck up some free Wi-Fi (and an iced vanilla latte because, hey, it’s hot out there). First of all, if you really want to get John Mayer tickets for August 1st, check out 96.1 FM Pittsburgh tomorrow at 8:00am. The station is planning to give away some tickets, if it’s your style to get up that early. Even here no one is in their cars that early. However, with tickets going for around $50 each and good tickets all but sold out, listening tomorrow morning is your best bet. I realize John ...

Erie has recently gotten some positive buzz. please take note: - Waldameer's premiere/only roller coaster, the Ravine Flyer, won some kind of national accolade from the best paper that has ever existed in the history of declining journalism, USA Today. claps for Waldameer! I rode the thing last year- let me reenact for you how that went- JON, JON, WHAT THE FUCK, WHY AM I ON THIS THING, Brittany calm down and look at the water look there's Lake Erie, WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK - And I guess the Erie Brewing Company's PREMIERE beer, Railbender, won an accolade itself at a big beer festival out west in 2009. I know I am late on reporting this, but I steal my news from the Erie Times, which has made clear never wants me working for them. somehow, I think I'm okay with that. I have to tell you, beerdrinkers of the world, I've been experimenting with the Erie Brewing Company for the past month because I figure I need to expand my tastes past lite beers and Guinness. it's not ...

can give you my thoughts on it as soon as it comes through on this nice public WIFI. I can't tell you where to find the Suburbs but just make your rounds on the internet you should be okay! it all very much reminds me of a poem: IN A STATION OF THE METRO The apparition of these faces in the crowd ; Petals on a wet, black bough. - Ezra Pound, who is more of a Decemberists fan

Lead singer Paul Banks sounds like he's in pain and not in a good way. After his solo excursion of Julian Plenti, which was all right but nothing (to employ a lazy cliche) to WRITE HOME ABOUT IT. Where White Lies and Editors strive to be, Interpol is, a sort of area in the pantheon previously occupied by Joy Division and Ian Curtis' epileptic self. his voice just sounds so bad on "Barricade." other than that, it's a good song. B- hear it:

SO Deadhorse is from Erie. which, in the past, would be an automatic turn-off to me because Erie has some shittastic bands. but- I caught them accidentally opening for the Moog in May at the Crooked I. and I was really, really impressed, which never happens! the music is instrumental, atmospheric and beautiful. it just takes you to another dimension. if you like Explosions in the Sky or Mogwai, you will probably like Deadhorse . they are currently trekking across the States. check out their MySpace for dates. (seriously give them a listen, you will not regret it for a second. I'd like to see this band get a lot more support, they deserve it).

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi (Plus: aw) Love the earth and sun and animals, Despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, Stand up for the stupid and crazy, Devote your income and labor to others... And your very flesh shall be a great poem. Walt Whitman (Minus: LAME) Okay, so are you supposed to give handouts to every Nigerian scammer on the internet that asks you for $2000. Or are you supposed to break your break for people that are just using you? I know Whitman is legit is his work, but in this one he is talking smack. This is called FLUFFED up Shit! Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine Buddha (Plus: So True) "If you cannot be a poet, be the poem." David Carradine (Minus: There is no reason why anyone can't be the poet and the poem. It's this attitude that got Bill Killed!"

In the second section of the first volume of Marcel Proust’s In Search of Lost Time , “Swann in Love,” when Charles Swann is insisting Odette tell him of her other suspected lovers, his line of reasoning of needing to know follows that he’ll stop bothering her about it so often because being able to picture a thing, to bring it out of the unknown, brings him a sense of relief. “The truly horrifying things,” he continues, “are the ones you can’t imagine.” Early 20th century American poet, Edna Millay, disagrees. As she wrote in “The Unexplorer”— There was a road ran past our house Too lovely to explore. I asked my mother once — she said That if you followed where it led It brought you to the milk-man’s door. (That’s why I have not traveled more.) — Subsequently, it was the mystery of a small dirt road which always had the three year-old version of myself always wanting to walk down it despite never having the confidence of asking my father to take me, and losing the opportunity altogeth...

There are so many good tours hitting the area when I'm not here. Jamie Lidell will be in Cleveland, Jenny and Johnny will be at Beachland ... I would love to see J. Lidell live. Unlike Scissor Sisters who think they are just too damn good for this area, he's making an appearance! gah. oh well. I won't be around. Sea Wolf and Ra Ra Riot will both be in Pittsburgh, though. thank god. relatively cheap too. there are times I feel like I should be listening to RRR, but then I realize Vampire Weekend exists, so I don't. Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, Matt and Kim and Efterklang I will also miss. DAMN Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings are playing a free show at the Rock Hall in August, as are Deer Tick. go see 'em if you are in the area- that's a really great opportunity. for FREE. ---- new music that is absolutely fantastic/amazing: - KYLIE, HOLY CRAP. can she ever do any wrong? probably not. I wish she was more popular here in the States. that woman is class (ev...

So I am approaching the end of my 10 week intensive German class, and I want to give the shoutout to one of Germany's most popular actors, Daniel B! He has done hits such as "Goodbye Lenin" "The Edukators," and "Inglorious Bastards." But I can see why he is so often used in German films. Daniel has a look and personality that display charisma and a sense of understanding. It's too bad he's so old, or else he'd do well in a German version of "Catcher in the Rye." But anyway, German films are a lot of fun, and I am watching "The Tunnel" tomorrow. And no, I have no idea who is in it.............. QATFYG: Do you have a favorite German actor? Franka Potente by chance?

TICKETS ON SALE SATURDAY MATT AND KIM, CHROMEO, MIA, LCD SOUNDSYSTEM, PAVEMENT, NEON INDIAN, LUDACRIS, JIMMY EAT WORLD, GOD I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT JUST LOOK THIS UP ONLINE I LOVE YOU AND I AM GOING TO THIS, HELL OR HIGHWATER, IF IT IS FREE

they are FINALLY annoucing the line-up, at 11 am, with the start of their new internet station. I know this time is going to be bad for me financially, but the things I am willing to do to get there. the things! here my guesses on some of the artists: - LCD Soundsystem (he is like at every festival anyway) - Pavement (why not) - Stars (they'll be right DC at the time) Richard Branson is my favorite millionaire. there is something about him that just says "insane" which Warren Buffet lacks.

There is this internet trend going on right now- internet trends! the best thing! think of dancing babies and people doing the "I Will Survive" routine at Auschwitz, which is like, SO APPROPRIATE OMG, even if you were there and did get pardoned from the gas chambers- well anyway, people keep reposting this Bulgarian mystic, Baba Vanga's, claims that World War III will beginning in November of 2010. Baba Vanga died in 1996 and could not see things after being trapped in a sandstorm as a child or something like that. I don't know these kind of things happen everyday, but this left her with the gift of "second sight." Apparently, she was very picky about who she'd help with said second sight. Whatever, I guess I would be too. Also- she looks a LOT like that old gypsy lady from Drag Me To Hell , 2009's preeminent film. first of all this makes me angry because I have not done shit with my life yet and I resent the fact that the next world war is going to ...

Have you seen it yet? Even my brother- my poor-taste-afflicted brother- has seen Inception and has nothing but good words to say about this. reason I will go: MARION. hello, did you even need to ask?

Okay, So this year I am entering St. Martin's Minotaur First Crime Novel competition for sure. I tried in 2007, but I came up short. I would love some competition from other aspiring writers. First Crime Novel Competition Stips: Unpublished Author 60,000 Words or 220 Pages Double Spaced (Appx) Murder or another serious crime must be the subject. Deadline November 30th, 2010 Also look at their malice/domestic competition. QATFYG: I think the prize is like 10 grand and publication, but would you let me know if you find out? I have to get back to writing.

do you look at porn? if so, are you happier for doing so? seriously- I'm wondering: are people that look at porn happier than those of us that go without? think about it. I was raised Catholic, by the way.

Vote Here *with full lists and nominations* So it's that time to celebrate one the best awards moments of the year, The TCAs, which let's hope is better than the KCAs or the PCAs. To our younger audience, or older people who just want to vote, PLeASE: Vote Terry O'Quinn from LOST as best Villain on Tv. Vote Nick show "Victorius" just for the heck of it. Vote for the Twilight Saga a lot, because you know it's going to win. And Do not vote for Secret Life of the American Teenager. Ick Ick Ick! QATFYG: Do you like getting to decide?

It was kind of disappointing how the Grog Shop didn’t play anything by Tiffany or Berlin between sets, especially given all of the mid-80’s Madonna; was kind digging Ace of Base with everyone else, but the first opening act walked onto the stage while insisting they weren’t No Age . Two reasons to hate them, and we had just met! Oh but did you know, about a block and a half away, Harry and the Potters were performing in the alleyway behind the bookstore and every other song they did was the one about Hagrid? Maybe you were too busy standing in line for Sleigh Bells? We got to make heart hands while going “Hagrid!” and some other people made book noises during one of the other songs which were like “swish swish swish,” because books apparently do that when their pages are being turned! This was totally better than the first band—if they were actually No Age, not playing “Ripped Knees” would have been rude, especially because I / hundreds of people kept shouting for it, but their refusa...

Congratulations Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem on their marriage,. buen matrimonio. QATFYG: Is this like Vicky Christina Barcelona forever? or Is it just like two Spanish Oscar winners crammed in Paella dish?

- Sofia Talvik interview - I want to start doing a series where I highlight one worthwhile thing in the Erie area to give the blog a semi-local bend. - best songs ever thing? I don't know. - another possible interview. - EPIC ALBUM POST - concerts of course MARK UR CALENDARZ p.s. enjoy your Bastille Day! go storm something.

So who's hotter returns!! TENNIS STARS!! This topic: The Williams Sisters, the strongest force in tennis. QATFYG: So who do you think is Hotter? Venus Williams or Serena Williams? Or Both.....or None of them at all Or can you tell who is who? Or do you prefer the stacky Vera Zvonareva , the biggest bang to come out of Russia since they learned that fish have eggs too. Personally I'd go for any. I am not very picky.

When you daydream you are a celebrity, who is your inner circle? COME ON WE ALL DO IT. for me, these are the people I befriended in my other life, aka what I think about when I zone out when I'm at the bus watching someone drool on themselves. I am BFFS with: - Jane Adams - Natalie Portman (holla!) - Norah Jones - Diane Keaton - Zooey Deschanel ( - SOMETIMES LADY GAGA BUT SHE'S MOODY And Natalie Wood when I pretend it's 1963. I hate Katy Perry, though. can you blame me? she's a whore. SO THINK FAST WHO DO YOU HANG OUT WITH enjoy your Sunday! I think that God awful heat wave has finally ended. I like heat, really, but I hate getting heat exhaustion when I walk three blocks in my interview clothes.

Last time, although Swann conceded Odette’s time spent with people not happening to be himself did not necessarily mean he had to be stricken with the urge to suicide, his so-called love for her nonetheless remains at the potency that, “as they say in surgery, [it] was no longer operable.” Ever the pragmatist, the lump he finds on his abdomen one afternoon brings him such a relief, for, tying the two previous notions together, his suspected fatal tumor and he are going to be BFFs: Swann reasons he’ll be liberated from taking any further charge, as the disease will now handle all of the managing. He’ll be its sexxxy plaything. Even better, if he finds himself coming to desire death, he finds this won’t be an escape from the jealousy-caused suffering he’s been putting himself through, but, skipping the ephemeral altogether, it will end his struggle’s monotony. Psh, Sisyphus didn’t have a girlfriend, either. Happily, Odette doesn’t actually care one way or another— acting out Mme. de Laum...

I have been going through my Fiona discography like whoa this past week. I don't know what spurred me on- I think one of her songs came up on my iPod shuffle and as triggered to go through her stuff and rekindle my love for her, the way middle-aged couples define getting together once a week to have sex while the kids are away as passion reignited. I came to a theory, while listening to "Limp" and "Shadowboxer" again and again (just like the good old days- not really). there are certain weights of estrogen-ladled singer-songwriters out there. There is Tori Amos, who is apeshit. There is Rachael Yamagata, who is sweet and has a few good songs but yet has to do something of real impact. There is Regina Spektor, who is talented but relies too much on being precious and quirky to do anything that makes me want to listen to HER discography again (barf). Then you have a whole host of others- Sarah McLachlan, Nicole Atkins, Sara Barielles, etc. ALANIS, OH MY GOD, WILL ...

UFFIE DOES NOT RUIN THIS SONG. also, who was really surprised Lebron didn't stay in Cleveland? I mean come on, REALLY. IT'S CLEVELAND. although it does make me sad that the period of time is over in which I could have seen him play there, sort of like seeing Babe Ruth play for the .... whatever team he played for kind of thing, I'm not shocked. Uffie is also from Miami. at least Cleveland has HOT IN CLEVELAND, which was just renewed for 2011.

Spotlight/Shoutout is a weekly award-style post given to an actor, as a form of praise for their work, talent, abilities, or style. But this week is different. Instead of giving the s/s to an actor. I am going to give it to an idea. And that idea is "Last Exit to Brooklyn." LETB was published as a novel in 1964, and made into a movie in 1989. I have not read it or seen it, but I always remember the discussion they had about this book in "Dawson's Creek." When I see this title, it reminds me not of recognizing things such as work, talent, abilities, or style.....but remembering that before we realize it, we are approaching the last exit to our destination. Life is too short to only focus on what people do. Perhaps, this post is a spotlight to life itself. So don't miss your exit.

- LiLo is headed to prison. I need a video of her reaction for this. let me go search. it was so dramatic. what a crack whore, sorry for my choice of termniology here, but BITCH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING IN 2005. she's all like- (turn to LAWYER) BITCH SAY WHAT? I'M LILO E-TRADE WANTS TO BE ME. and the lawyer is just like I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN YOUR VAGINA, LILO. - Justin Bieber is headed to N. Korea. BON VOYAGE

So Metric (who met the Queen of England yesterday???? weird??????) is doing the theme song for the Eclipse film. also appearing on that soundtrack: Bat For Lashes and Beck, Florence + the Machine, etc. I remember the first Twilight soundtrack. it wasn't amazing, not awful either. The Black Ghosts and Muse (duh what else) were on it, but then you had PARAMORE omg I hate Paramore don't even get me started. Then you had the New Moon soundtrack, with Grizzly Bear and Lykke Li. somewhat better. Editors were on it, though, which hurt it (ha sorry I JUST D NOT LIKE THEM). so if the first soundtrack scored a B-, New Moon earned a A-. (and also- OKGo, and that Anya Marina song, bleh) now you have Eclipse . which is AMAZING. and I had the epiphany yesterday- ha, why do I think so much about these things!- the continuing improvement of the soundtracks reflects the main characters' developing maturity levels. ... anyway Rusted Root and One World Tribe are kicking off Eight Great Tues...

Are you celebrating by reading the Constitution at your neighborhood tea party? hmmmmmmmm.... food for thought: for this Independence Day, should we deport M. Night? DID YOU GO SEE ECLIPSE ? I HEAR IT DOESN'T SUCK SO MUCH

So I was shown the latest pics from Time Magazine, revealing designs for farms in the future. (These pics aren't from TIME, but they have a similar feeling.) Once the planet is overrun by concrete and steel, we'll have to get our food from FARMS in skyscrapers. And then soon enough, we'll be on Mars! QATFYG: So would this make a good video game? VERTICAL FARM 1 anyone?

Do you know what I really don’t care about right now? These people. I didn’t write this last week because these people are just— I really hate them. This is basically everything that happens between pages 250 and 300: even though Swann finds the Verdurins positively “magnanimous,” neither of them actually like him and encourage Odette to spend her time with Forcheville. Odette is very stupid. She thinks of a house with wood paneling as being medieval. She doesn’t really understand anything. Forcheville is characterized as having an intellect which is superior to other minds because of its skepticism— he’s in league with medicine-denying doctors and school teachers “who do not believe in Latin compositions.” The Verdurins stop inviting Swann, so he quickly casts them as “the lowest thing on the social ladder,” as “Dante’s last circle.” He concludes with affirming “no doubt [that] venerable text refers to the Verdurins!” and assumes Odette is giving handjobs (cattleyas) to everyone in Fr...

do you ever wonder if they are consorting with the Kremlin in between cocktails? ME TOO.

I've just taken notice of Aeroplane. as in this morning. an electronica duo, I kind of fell in love with their reworking of Friendly Fires' "Paris." here, listen for yourself: and Also, Kele from Bloc Party released his solo album. I'm not such a fan of Bloc Party these days, but I like what I heard from his lone venture so far. very electronic-focused! nice, it's a good niche for him: good workout music, at the very least.

my internet went KERPLUNK for a while. how sad! I know, you are saying. how did Brittany not commit hari kari? it's been a struggle. but I'm actually kind of content at the moment, which is not like me at all. so, let's get back to basics, sweet thing. THERE WERE TORNADOES AT PRESQUE ISLE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. REAL, LIVE, TORNADOES. EXCEPT THERE WAS ONE SO IT WAS SINGULAR. I was really freaked out about this but then nothing happened to me. IT FIGURES. GOD, YOU JUST HAD TO PUT ME IN THE PATH OF THE THING, WAS THAT NOT SO POSSIBLE? America's Next Top Model will be having a casting call at the Millcreek Mall because it wants to pick up a lot of ugly people I'M KIDDING I'M JUST KIDDING I'm actually going to this but not because I'm delusional and think I have a chance but rather because I just want to observe the going-ons. be there on July 13th from 5 to 8 p.m.! maybe Tyra will make an appearance! And then there's the whole Roar on the Shore fiasco,...